[Prettyboicris]

My wife and I are currently in the "never ending" land of waiting for the to ring. Once we get our placement we will be excited to tell our family. However we know that some things are private and we can't disclose until the adoption is final. However, when it comes to the child having a special need that is not physical and/or medical how do you navigate sharing that information with family? For example my Mother would want to fly up to where my wife and I live to meet the child but if the child has an Attachment disorder or something else how do we tell her or other family with out then being awkward around the child just because they have a special need. I don't think it would be awkward out of discomfort but more awkward about not knowing what to do with the child or what not. Should we wait or not? What have other people done with regards to talking to family about their child's special needs?

[MilehighDad]

I'm really glad you're thinking through this issue because it is a complex and difficult one. You have identified a significant part of it, which is the legal requirement to keep kids histories confidential. But, you also need to realize that there are many reasons why confidentiality is in the kids' best interest, and that applies even after they are finalized.

Eek, out of time, gotta take kids to school. Anyway, I'll add more here later!!

[kretzklan]

Whether the child has AD or not - there are a lot of positives in using attachment parenting in the beginning. It can ward off some negative response. There are great websites with pre-made letters to share with family members explaining the attached of a newly adopted child and how they can help that child attach firmly to you. If your family are open, kind hearted people - share the letter (it's not child specific) and help them follow through. It's mainly about things coming from you and physical contact with others being limited in the beginning. If you know other things that can affect a family member - I hope you can find a way to share without being too personal. My kids are intl adoptions and I didn't have the rules on privacy...however my family does not believe it RAD or any other 'disorders' so I thank heavens that we live so far away!

[UnconventionalMom]

In consideration of my sister's feelings I haven't gotten into the nitty-gritty details of why my niece has the problems she has, but I am definitely letting my family know about the issues.

We too aren't in "the system" so we have some flexibility. I posted up about the same thing a few months ago and ultimately decided to go for up-front honesty. I have already seen the pain that is caused when something shocking is dumped on family members out of nowhere and I've also lived through family members simply not believing. It sucks. So I'm being pretty open about what's going on with my niece, good and bad, from the beginning.

It hasn't all been good though. I got a pretty terrible response from some relatives that took care of my niece last year. Not unexpected but still very upsetting. Many people just like to play the blame game. That's where distance is a blessing and not a curse!

[ajjhmf]

One of the biggest issues I have run into over the years is our extended families refusal to believe any of it. My in-laws think it is all in my head. Seriously. That refusal makes it very, very diffcult to parent my children around them and their contact is limited. Some people just dont' want to think that kids can have problems that aren't solved with love and time. My son has had 6 years of love and time and it's only getting harder as his issues become more and more obvious.

As for sharing the history, only a select few people outside of my husband and myself know the details of J's past. My feeling is that it's my sons story and it is his to tell. But I make sure that people in his life (like teachers and so on) are told they are NOT to ask him directly about it, putting him in the position to decide on the spot what to share. Most people respect this, but, again, my husband's family doesn't.

I hope this helps.

[chickymum]

If you did try to explain AD to your parents then they will think that you are crazy anyway at this point. Your child is not likely to be displaying many behaviours to an outsider. Actually, your child will unlikly be displaying attachment behaviours to you yet. All will be a big honeymoon period at first.

If adoption drags out and you are dealing with AD full throttle then you can explain that you are dealing with AD without going into the childs personal specifics. If the child was blind, would you be trying to hide that too. No, you would tell them that the child is blind and explain that how that came about is personal for now.

[AmyAnne]

We told our families what they needed to know. My parents were given more information because we were going to see them for 3 weeks.

The "generic" explaination I give is "Because my child was adopted from foster care, he has had different experiences than the average child. THis means I'll react in ways that look odd or unfair. If he says or does anything that seems strange to you, please let me know so I can address it".

Here is a sample of the letter that went to my friends and family before our trip to Florida:

n preparation for our upcoming visit to Florida, I am writing this. I decided to write so that I can get all my thoughts down, and so that if need be, you can refer to this again if you’d like.

This will be A’s first trip to Florida, as we all know. I thought I’d share a little bit of what we’ve been dealing with and tell you what we’re going to need from you while we’re visiting.

A has RAD, which is also known as Reactive Attachment Disorder. It sounds worse than it is. Basically, it means at an early age, his primary caretakers were either physically or emotionally unavailable to him. As a result, A has a tendency to try and push his primary caretakers away (in this case, Jeff and I) The ways this manifests itself is by refusing to follow directions, being superficially engaging to strangers, and giving/accepting physical affection from Jeff and I on his terms only or in triangulation of adults. This may be trying to pit Jeff and I against each other, or trying to get a different adult to “save” him.

RAD kids like to have others see them as the “victim”. They will try and pit other people against the parents. I have, in the past 8 months been referred to (both behind my back and to my face) as “unfair”, “ abusive”, “too strict” and “mean” by friends, family and neighbors. It is extremely important that if we’ve told A something, he understands that nobody is going to bail him out. That his parents are the absolute final authority on all matters concerning him. If we are disciplining him, the best thing for you to do is to ignore what’s happening, unless Jeff or I specificially ask you for your help. Please don’t hug him, make “poor baby” eyes at him, or suggest a compromise. There are going to be times during our visit that we’re going to come across as harsh. I know this. But rest assured, we are working with a therapist, social workers, our support group, and the advice of other adoptive parents and what we’re doing has made a dramatic difference in A’s behavior in the past 10 months.

On the other hand, there will be a lot of things that we let slide where I’m sure you’ll be wondering why on earth we don’t say anything to A about it. We have a grocery list of issues we’re addressing. Some of the stuff on that list isn’t being addressed yet, because it’s not as important as our current “trouble issues”.

In the event that A has a meltdown, the fewer people involved, the better. So it’d probably be best to ignore him, unless we ask for help or you notice that he’s attempting to run away.

You will likely see, on the surface, a “normal” kid. However, we feel it’s best to prepare everyone for the possibility that A may have a meltdown, or a RAD episode.

[Barksum]

Whatever issues your adopted child may have are almost beside the point. Attachment, PTSD, FASD, ... whatever, all need to be handled individually. A generic letter is a great way to let people know that it is different when you bring home a newborn vs. when you welcome home an older child.

We found that letting people know what we expected was very helpful for them. We let our family know that we would not be having a big party for awhile, that the child would be with us almost exclusively while we did things like "...catching up with getting to know them..." and worked on making the child feel secure in our home.

As the children were with us longer and we were running here and there for appointments, and the child had obvious issues, we explained as we learned.

Our close family has been very supportive. Close in our family is grandparents, great aunts/uncles, aunts/uncles, cousins. In some families 'close' might mean just the immediate family, or one close grandparent, etc. We've been told that our family is "abnormally close, but in a good way".

Our close family members asked for information so that they would be able to help support us as we addressed various issues. So when our Ds2 had a significant speech delay they all learned some rudimentary sign language so that they could communicate with him. They asked for books and information so that they could understand fetal alcohol, the impact of neglect, etc.

Many of my family members have worked with special needs kids in various capacities so they have open hearts and lots of encouragement and support for our family. Additionally my sister married a man who was adopted (older child, part of a sibling group), and I married a man who was raised in and aged out of foster care. I guess our family was already aware of many of the issues by the time we adopted.

[MilehighDad]

Sorry for cutting off short and thanks for several others for filling in why we need to be the parents and grandparents and other relatives need to just love them! In particular, Amyanne, thanks for sharing the letter because too often we don't get specific about what needs to be said.

The other point that I don't think was touched on was this - Your adopted kids deserve to have grandparents and extended family that love them for who they are. In many cases, their history may be so severe that it could make it difficult for relatives to see past. We have censored what our relatives know not only of the past, but also in many cases the direct struggles we've had with our kids. I KNOW my mom is protective of me and would struggle to accept our older adopted kids if she knew how hard it has been on me. I guess you could say that I should trust our family more, but that isn't really the reason for censoring. I want to carry the hard parts with my wife and just let our relatives love our kids because I think our kids deserve it.

But, every family is different and some things are always going to come out of the woodwork. Actually, in our house it is the woodwork that seems to suffer . . .

Good luck!

[aspenhall]

I always share that her unique start in life comes with specific challenges. I explain what exact pitfalls we are currently trying to avoid. And I also classified the initial time as "trying to adjust". Everyone understood that term meant "handle with care"....and I simply said if it becomes too difficult to come for visits then the visits would need to stop until they were more manageable...that got their attention. It also helped that I let grandma babysit while we went to a movie, and grandma had to deal with "insecure super-monster" as soon as the door clicked shut. She swore to never again question or give advice as she was clearly out of her league and had no idea how I did it.

There is a rift that still exists with other members of the family who don't get it...but at least they defer to me now...and she cannot triangulate. Plus DH is more willing to make waves in front of family and saving face takes a backseat (huge behavior improvement immediately).

[momraine]

I was just approached last night by a woman whose daughter's dance with mine. We were doing recital photos and she pulled me aside. Her cousin whom she is close to just got two grandchildren from Russia. She is very upset because her children are not visiting or inviting many visits with the new children. Apparently this woman has been waiting a long time to be a grandparent and does not understand why her children are not giving her more access to these new grand children. So I explained attachment issues and attachment parenting and cocooning to my friend who said it made sense. I also gave suggestions for when they are with the grand children. I simply explained that children in a normal family learn the difference between mom and dad and everyone else early, but these children did not. In the orphanage there various people filling that role and none were more important than the other so they needed to learn what parents were and how they were different from other adults. She seemed to understand and was going to call her cousin and explain. I am betting that this cousin has probably already heard this from her kids, but I am hoping an outside explaination will help. It was however a first for me to really see it from the grandparents point of view and how it can feel hurtful to them to be deprived of the relationship they want with these children. What helped with my kids grandparents and aunts and uncles was that M was the fourth child, so they were fine with being a little less hands on with him.

[lucyjoy]

If the grandparents have reasonable boundries, it makes a huge difference. I let my parents see my kids right up front. I let my parents indulge them at their house while I was there. We went a couple times a month to family events. I did let my parents know my kids had issues with food and she was very good about saying, "Ask your mom" if they wanted things(they often asked for pop and that negatively effected some of them so none of them got pop at grandmas).

Nancy Thomas, a theraputic parent I highly respect, talks about this grandparent thing. She says becoming a grandparent turns your brain to mush. She said her dil would be parenting exactly as she should and she kept wanting to swoop in and rescue the child from all consequences. And as a grandparent, I would have a hard time not being allowed to see my new grandchildren right away.

We did lots of keeping the kids isolated with us to bond, but a short grandparent visit, in my opinion, isn't going to hurt. Grandparents are going to be permanant fixtures in the child's life.

[momraine]

These particular kids have only been home a month and the grandparents have seen them three times. They just are upset that they are not seeing them more often. I think that is pretty often considering that these kids (and thier parents) are probably getting over jet lag and culture shock. They are having to learn a new language, and are dealing with everything they have ever known changing. These kids leave the orphanage with nothing, not even the clothes on thier back. So everything is new, smells different, sounds different etc. They may have never been out of the orphanage. I remember my daughter was fascinated by traffic, she had never seen it and M was fascinated by cooking and laundry, he had never see it done and thought food and clean clothes just appeared in the dorm. So they are letting the grandparents see them, just not as much as these new excited grandparents want to.
My kids both saw thier grandparents right off the plane, and fairly often after. At Grandma's house we go by Grandma's rules and I relax some of my vigilance (not much, but I do things subtler, like if he lies, I let him know that I know with a whisper or a look, but don't call him on it where grandma can hear, since it upsets her to hear me get onto him for anything) If they are grounded from TV or whatever, that is lifted during a visit to grandma's and we continue when we get home. (like if they are grounded for a week and we go spend a couple of days with grandma three days in, they do the other four days when we get home) I think it depends on how well your family respects the bounderies you set. I agree that grandparents are important. However, I have had to choose to not let my disfunctional parents in my children's lives. It's just too much for them.

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by kretzklan

Whether the child has AD or not - there are a lot of positives in using attachment parenting in the beginning. It can ward off some negative response. There are great websites with pre-made letters to share with family members explaining the attached of a newly adopted child and how they can help that child attach firmly to you. If your family are open, kind hearted people - share the letter (it's not child specific) and help them follow through. It's mainly about things coming from you and physical contact with others being limited in the beginning. If you know other things that can affect a family member - I hope you can find a way to share without being too personal. My kids are intl adoptions and I didn't have the rules on privacy...however my family does not believe it RAD or any other 'disorders' so I thank heavens that we live so far away!

We don't know if the child will be diagnosed AD/RAD but I was just using that as an example of one situation in which the family may not understand what is foing on with the child. I want to be able to let them know that something is going on but not let them know exactly what is going on due to the confidentiality aspect. My wife and I have other things that have gone on between us that we don't share with family so even after finalization there are things that we probably won't want to share with them. We don't have a child placed with us yet so this is all just food for thought we are seeking at this point. Hopefully we will have a child placed with us in June.

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by ajjhmf

One of the biggest issues I have run into over the years is our extended families refusal to believe any of it. My in-laws think it is all in my head. Seriously. That refusal makes it very, very diffcult to parent my children around them and their contact is limited. Some people just dont' want to think that kids can have problems that aren't solved with love and time. My son has had 6 years of love and time and it's only getting harder as his issues become more and more obvious.

As for sharing the history, only a select few people outside of my husband and myself know the details of J's past. My feeling is that it's my sons story and it is his to tell. But I make sure that people in his life (like teachers and so on) are told they are NOT to ask him directly about it, putting him in the position to decide on the spot what to share. Most people respect this, but, again, my husband's family doesn't.

I hope this helps.

This does help, thank you.