[UnconventionalMom]

Well, my niece finally did it, she did something I didn't see coming. She's almost 3 and I think it's safe to say she's started stealing.

We were sitting down to dinner last night and all of a sudden, I hear my cell phone turn on and A shifts in her seat and tries to covertly look under her leg. She'd snuck my cell phone into her seat and sat on it, along with two toys I'd told her twice to leave in her room because toys aren't allowed at the table. I should have been more prepared, but I was so shocked I just sat there staring at her with my mouth open. She's not even 3!

I've caught her sneaking things before and have had other suspicions but this brings things together. I can't write off the behavior anymore.

[AmyAnne]

I'd take the two toys away. Either for good or put them in "Toy jail" (Here it's a big plastic bin, so the kids can SEE the toys they can't play with) and make her bail them out. I'd also suggest leaving your purse in your room, out of reach.

[momraine]

I am sorry, I know what a shocker this is the first time you realize it's true. My son mostly now just steals his sisters jewlery and hair stuff and money from my purse. It's hard to prove cause he gives it to a girl at school who won't tell us anything. I only realized the extent of it when my son had a fight with the girl and wanted me to get back everything he had given her. He started listing things and I was shocked. I had noticed the money but was not sure who was doing it, sometimes dh takes money out of my purse when he needs it or the teens for school stuff. I also just thought I was not keeping good track. DD's stuff is mostly stuff she doesn't use anymore. When she was younger she would not leave the house without bows and such in her hair, now she prefers nothing in her hair and she used to have tons of plastic jewlery that she really isn't that into anymore, prefering more grown up stuff. The thing is if he had asked her, dd probably would have given him a bunch of that stuff, but he didn't. It is sad when you can't trust your own kid. I do search ds's room on a regular basis, so I know he is getting better. Good luck! We also put toys in time out, this would be toys that were not where they were supposed to be, either left out or brought someplace they were not supposed to be, or toys that cause a fight or are used to hurt someone or are caught flying through the air in the house. Those toys go to time out. For us it's a top shelf in our living room my younger kids can't get to. (though if M had all his limbs I know he would be climbing his way up there!)

[Rainbow mom]

At three I don't think I would call it "stealing". Coveting and taking are different. I am not sure at that age they know about or can concieve that everything doesn't belong to them personally.


Gentle lessons on giving back the items would probably break the habit. for example "isnt Aunt Coreys phone sparkly! When you get to be older you can have one too. Aunt Corey needs her phone so lets give it back to her." Then praise her for returning it.

[UnconventionalMom]

I'd really like to think that and I've given the matter a lot of thought, but my gut says this is different than simple toddler ownership issues. She's going out of her way to hide these things.

I appreciate the suggestions, I like Toy Timeout. Thank you!

[bumblebeeskies]

Toddlers often take things they're not supposed to AND put them in pockets or other weird places. It's natural instint for them to hide. My cell phone came up missing one day. My friends 2 and 3 year olds had been over. I knew they had done something with it, but would have NEVER accused them of stealing it-even if they would have taken it with them. Strangely, I found it under the bathroom sink. It wasn't the first time things had come up missing, either. I left stuff out, my fault it disappeared.

[irelady10]

I'm curious- what kind of things warrant a toy going into "toy jail". Is it misbehavior with the toy or any misbehavior in general?

"Toy jail" is totally new to me- I've never heard of it. But, I think its pretty interesting!

How do you bail a toy out of jail?

[aspenhall]

We simply take it, and you lose the item. It's a permanent thing, not toy jail. If you throw the toy or mistreat it, you lose it. (you must not care for the toy, and we can find another child who WILL care for it) If you ignore me in order to continue playing with the toy, you lose it. (the toy has become an addiction and a harmful thing) If you don't pick it up when it's time to clean up, I will pick it up for you and take it (since you don't care for it enough to take care of it). I even have a rule, you only have to clean up the stuff you love. If you are fighting over a toy, it's now a problem to have the toy and you lose it. (I don't want a toy to cause contention)

You can earn it back by trust points (see my signature link), or you may do extra chores to buy it back. If you don't buy it back from me in a timely manner, "I'll sell it on ebay"....It's just me being nice to let you have a shot at buying it first.

I have yet to sell anything on ebay. At that point, she either "buys" it, or no longer cares for it and we give it to charity.

She is careful with her toys, and takes care of them. She controls her anger while playing and resolves conflict usually peacefully and without me being involved. She's 8. And we've done this since she came home. It includes books, crayons, toys, jewelry etc...She understands all the concepts of why the toy is taken away. She understands the character flaws that led to the loss of the toy, and she works to prove to me that she can handle the toy. There's no screaming or yelling, or anger...only surprise at her "true feelings" regarding the toy.

[ajjhmf]

Ok, she's 3. I understand that she is RAD, but still, she is 3. 3yos can't understand stealing or sharing or ownership. Those are skills that are gained in healthy children usually around age 4.

Taking a toy permenantly will have no affect because she will forget it ever existed. Punishing her for "stealing" something when she CAN'T understand the concept of stealing will simply drive a wedge in the attachment you are trying to build.

Sorry, but I think some of th responses here are way off base.

[AmyAnne]

Originally Posted by irelady10

I'm curious- what kind of things warrant a toy going into "toy jail". Is it misbehavior with the toy or any misbehavior in general?

"Toy jail" is totally new to me- I've never heard of it. But, I think its pretty interesting!

How do you bail a toy out of jail?

Toy jail is used in our home either if a toy is not taken care of properly (It isn't put away after I've asked repeatedly) or it is misused (throwing nerf balls at a cat who does NOT want to play dodgeball).

Some people make bail 50 cents, others make it a two day waiting period. We do it according to the offense. If something wasn't put away, he must clean something else up to get it out. In the case of the nerf ball, I made him write a 5 sentence apology note to the cat and read it to her.

[momraine]

For us if the toy is not used properly it goes to time out. This can include hitting with the toy or the toy being where it's not supposed to be (left out after things are supposed to be picked up, taken to school against the rules, etc) Also if two kids are fighting over a toy that is either meant to be shared or something I don't know whose it is (like little toys they get from a party or something that more than one kid has the same toy) The toys stay as long as I decide. Sometimes until they can act bigger and sometimes they can do a chore to earn it back.

[momraine]

Oh and for a three year old I would not be as strict as for an older child. I would just have a discussion about it and probably take the toys since she did take them to the table when she knew better. I do have to keep my purse including cell phone up high, because my son steals money but he is older.

[UnconventionalMom]

I know it's really hard to wrap your mind around the idea that a 3-year-old would be capable of consciously stealing, but like so much else we've experienced with A, when my gut says something isn't normal I have to listen. I can tell when A and M are fighting when it's normal and when it's not. Something just doesn't feel right and this is the same situation.

Our therapist confirmed my gut feeling that behaviors like this are common for kids (even youngsters like A) who have been through what my niece has experienced. She suggested that she fixated on my cell phone because it's obviously important to me and she is looking to keep a part of me close to her.

The solution is to find a designated object for her to keep with her at all times that is a physical representation of me always being with her, even when I'm not. I don't think a kid's cell phone would work because it would be an issue at school, it'll have to be something small that fits comfortably in a pocket.

Thank you for the suggestions. I think toy jail is something we're going to implement for general misbehavior for both our girls.

[MamaS]

My mother gave me a special keychain with a few keys on it. "Everyone knows" you can't go anywhere without your keys, so you have to come back, right? I carried the keychain in my little briefcase (this was the dark ages before backpacks!) through 1st and 2nd grades.

[txwannabemom]

I have a child in my class who has a picture of her and her mother in her nap pillow she can look at anytime with a message from her mom on it, when she first came to school after being adopted from russia and we have pictures hung on alow wall of all the childrens families for them to look at any time. Keeping a security object around is a great idea!