[momraine]

OK not what you think! I went to a woman's retreat at our church. Our youth directors wife was driving the Church van but asked me to drive it home since she had to leave early. Most of the people that were going to ride in van ended up riding together in another car, so coming home there was just me and one other lady. This was an older lady I had met at church but had not gotten to know. As we talked she mentioned she loved watching how M will sometimes sit on my lap in church, I made some comment about how that is the only place he does that. She said she had wondered if it was a show, turned out she raised (and survived it) a Radlet of her own adopted from foster care. She would tell me stories about her dd and I would be thinking, Oh, yes! I can't even tell you how good it felt to talk to someone who gets it! This morning at church our class was doing a book called "how to have a new child by Friday" she came up to me and winked and reminded me that they were only talking about normal kids. I love talking to you guys and I loved meeting some of you last fall, but there was something about a real life person who has met my little darling who actually gets it!

[Barksum]

(((hugs))) I'm so happy for you!! I'm glad that she could see M and see through his behaviors for what they really were. That has to bring you immeasurable comfort!!

LOL I've heard about that book you mention and actually contemplated how/if that would apply to my family. Sure, I'd like to lick some behaviors in 5 easy days...but you know what they say about if it sounds too good to be true!

[kretzklan]

That's awesome! I haven't met an IRL person that has gone through it...but blessed to have people who understand it!

[momraine]

So far we only did one lesson from the book and I think there are five. The stuff seems to be basic parenting stuff. The advice for today was if every morning you are yelling to get your kids up, don't do it tomorow just write a note to the school that the child refused to get up and that his tardiness is unexcused. (his note was funnier) things like talking to your kids, noticing when they do things right, knowing that each kid is different and stuff. Basic stuff so far nothing new. I think even the author would admit he is talking about normal kids.

[qs mom]

The author of "Have a New Kid by Friday" is from my town. So our local Christian radio station has him on often. I don't remember his name. But he is the funniest guy ever!

He truly cracks me up. I think he is just trying to point out the the parents that are out there - Stop doing EVERYTHING for your kid! Stop babying them! ETC.

Old fashioned parenting.

He has stated several times that he himself is amazed at the sales of this book. Dr. Andres Lessman? I don't remember.

But, I truly know parents that feel so guilty for working that they give into every whim their child has, pamper them over tantrums, etc.

My co-worker told me she wanted her son to be independant. He was 4 - had his own TV, DVD player, Play Station - in HIS room. He was put to bed with a DVD on loop, so that it would play all night. HUH?

I know a 6 year old child who had a cell phone. HUH?

My son has to earn his Play Station back. He isn't allowed to play on school days when he has an after school activity. He wears the clothes I give him. He eats what I order him - I don't cook, He has NO TV in his room, the Play Station is in the living room for the family, he has no computer, I do NOT argue with him. I AM the parent, he IS the child.

And I often have people think that I'm doing it all wrong!

[Original Mike]

Yes, this forum is chock-full of awesome folks who could write a library based on our experiences. Even our regular gatherings are great, as we get to put names to faces (and drinks to lips, but I digress).

Still, it is so awesome to have that real, live friend who can say "been there, done that". For me, that friend was Indy. He and I met on this forum way back in 2001 (back then he only had 2 kids!). His advice and encouragement have been a bulwark on my Foster/Adopt Quest. We've shared opinions, compared kid behaviors, vented, raged, and laughed together. We don't always agree with each other, but it has been great to have that friend and sounding board to be there when you're ready to scream.

[momraine]

It's Dr. Kevin Leman I do like him, in fact he interviewed me once several years ago. He said that years ago parents were in charge and it seems now kids were. In our small group several people pointed out that between work and daycare and dinner and homework and stuff they only have two hours a day with thier kids and they don't want to spend it arguing with thier kids so they give in. I was shocked to hear people I had thought of as strong people tell me that they give in to thier young children all the time because they are too tired to argue with them. I have never been that type of parent and my kids know that asking again and again is a sure fire way to get a no, even if I was going to say yes. Not because I am super mom but because I am annoyed by whining and asking over and over! Of course the other people in the class were shocked when talked about kids cleaning thier rooms and I admitted I don't worry too much about my teens room. I simply close the door, they do thier own laundry and they can't have friends over when their room is a mess, so they clean it pretty much only when they want someone over. To me it was a battle not worth fighting because I am not a neat and clean type person. (my sil on the other hand is a total neat freak and hates me house) What's funny is thier friends always want to be here because I am so laid back about messes, so my kids end up cleaning thier room often cause thier friends are begging to come over. When we have a party for teens I provide junk food and let them eat in front of the TV and play video games. When they are done (usually in the morning) I hand out trash bags and they always all pitch in.

Anyway, you are right Mike, it is so great to talk to someone who understands. Also this woman, even though her own daughter didn't ever heal sees the potential for healing in my son. Her husband is willing to help my husband in a few years with motion detectors and other fun things that normal parents don't use. (he wired one outside the child's window so that it caused the light to come on in the parents room, as well as one outside her door so she didn't even know it had been tripped till she was caught!) I really knew she "got it" when one of her first questions was if dh beleived me when I told him about stuff the kid does when he is not home. She didn't ask me if the kid did stuff when he was alone with me, she knew he did, LOL. Anyway, I am still looking forward to seeing you guys in June, but it's so great to have someone here now. I have not yet asked her if she is up for respite yet.

[MenloAve]

That is my favorite parenting book for the post toddler age. I think the title is just a gimmick because I don't think anything works in 5 days. I did change things slightly because my child is only 5 so I gave him warnings about what would happen before we did it. I didn't see the need to surprise him with the result.

I laughed about the comment on getting ready for school in the morning. I actually did send the note to school one time and took him to school in his pajamas one time (the screaming in the car for 15 minutes on the way to school was enough to make most people stop - but we made it all the way there. Luckily, my favorite song had just come on the radio when we pulled into the parking lot. Many times I'll wait until the song is over before getting out. So I said, "you are lucky, this is my favorite song, you have until the song is over to do whatever it is you think is important right now." Man, I have never seen a child get dressed so fast in the back seat of the car. He had time to spare. Over a two year period this is all I have had to do to stop the nagging in the morning. This past week I took his homework out of his "folder" on accident so it wasn't turned in on time. My son asked me to take accountability and write his teacher a note saying I took it out of the folder and he had finished it and put it in his folder as he was supposed to. I smiled and wrote the note. I think I have a wonderfuly behaved child and use this book as a guide. BUT--

We are adopting a toddler and I wasn't so sure theories would necessarily transfer to a child with a different background. So - I'm reading other books and my husband and I recognize we may have to apply a different parenting style to our second child. I'm very interested to hear how the different "lessons" work with children that may have behavior issues that weren't created by spoiling, which is what this book focuses on. Please keep us informed as you try some of the different theories through your church group.

[momraine]

So far we have only had one class and it's all stuff I have always done with my bio and adopted kids. We have let my older kids be late for school. However, my RAD kid loves attention of any kind, he loves cooming to class late, and he loves the idea of wearing odd clothes or pajamas to school cause he gets attention. He does not differenciate well between positive and negative attention. Kids laughing at him doesn't bother him a lot. So for him if he is not ready for school I keep him home. He hates missing school We will see what comes of the next session. I had read his previous book Making your kids mind without loosing yours and liked it.

[Barksum]

I think this is the author whom I heard interviewed. He gave advice on lots of practical stuff, like something about if your kids aren't happy you're doing your job. (Not that your kids are always unhappy, but that having your kid be sad or upset is NOT always a bad thing and that you should be telling them no and not always yes.)

The other thing he said that I've remembered is that "you've got to grab the little buzzard by the beak" sometimes. Something about kids being a bit cranky when they don't get their way and you have to not allow them to run wild just to keep them "happy".

Come to think of it, I think I've seen most of this parenting advice on "The Andy Griffith Show". Opie would be doing something and Andy would very calmly put the kibosh on it. LOL

I can see why this kind of practical reassurance that telling a child "no" is not a bad thing for them is needed. I was at a party once where one family had a little boy who was about, oh, 4 years old. They were a very proudly modern family, advocating many of the new parenting methods that I'd only heard about. About 2 hours into the party their child was getting bored and said, "I want to go home now." Mom and Dad popped up and began putting their things together, getting ready to say their goodbyes. Then the little boy said, "I want to stay!" and Mom and Dad dropped back into their seats. They stayed for a bit longer, and then the little boy said, "I WANT TO GO NOW!" and Mom and Dad popped up, said their goodbyes and left.

That was about 10 years ago and was my first real intro into some of the new parenting methods I'd read about in the ladies' mags. I didn't know anyone who really followed those theories of parenting, so it was an eye opener for me! LOL

[momraine]

I think for some of the parents it's guilt or the actual beleif that it's thier job to make sure thier kids are always happy. It sure sounds like the same guy, he calls them ankel biters and talks about looking at your long term goal, happy is nice, but we also want them to be productive members of society who are supporting themselves and such. I like him because he doesn't seem to be extreme, you know like the experts who say give the kids whatever they want or the ones on the other end who want the kids to be little robots and you should beat them into submission. LOL Kids do need to learn to deal with not always being happy, they will have a boss one day who will ask them to do something they don't want to do, they will have to pay taxes and no one wants to do that! LOL