[lyssie]

So this is something I found on a redletters campaign blog. It was a little uncomfortable to read at times since some of it resounded with me. I thought it might be useful to someone else out there too so I thought I'd share....Now one big disclaimer I am not saying love conquers all. But, i do find the frustration i feel is more with myself and the difference in the way I want to mother my children and the way I actually do. Of coarse that figures in all of the time even when I adjust expectations and teh reality of exhaustion stares me right back in the face. Anyway, it felt good to know I am no tthe only one....


"Sometimes parents and adoptive children are blessed to fall head over heels for each other in love upon meeting. Often, it just takes a little time and both parent and child have successfully bonded.

But for some parents..... they wait and wait for those ooey-gooey feelings to come and they don't.
So, why should we expect an adopted child to fall in love with us? Sure it can happen and often does, but for many children it does not come easy. I hear all too often this lack of feelings being labeled Reactive Attachment Disorder.

Well, is it possible for parents to have attachment issues too? Just like in the case of a child loving a parent, it is not always that easy for a parent to fall in love with a child.

Sometimes, you may have the best intentions of making a conscience decision to fake it till you make it. Good. Often that alone is enough to help you get past whatever it is that is preventing you from falling in love with your child.

But what about if you just can't?

Maybe if they laughed differently, you would be able to fall in love.

Maybe if you could tolerate the way they smelled, you would be able to fall in love.

But what if it is not just one thing, and you have realized that everything about your adopted child is repulsive to you?

Well, I am telling you right now that you are not alone.

Maybe not only do you compare your child's laugh to fingernails on a chalkboard and their smell to your pet dog, but maybe you find something wrong with every aspect of your child.

And though you try really hard to not notice it or feel the way you do, you can't help but hate the way they chew with their mouth open, jump rope with an awkward skip, slam the car door each and every time, rub their ear for comfort, and draw their circles by starting at the bottom.

Literally you feel like everything your child does is done to irritate you.

Is this you? Is this you and you don't want to admit it? Fine. You don't have to. But humor me and read.

I believe wholeheartedly that there are adoptive parents out there who feel this way and just can't bring themselves to admit it. They feel ashamed because they know that what they are doing is not fair yet they can't help themselves.

This parent may have other adopted children that they don't feel this way about further complicating things. Why is it just this child that I have ill feelings for? Why is it this child that I can't bring myself to accept?

I still haven't figured out the answer to these questions, but I do think there are ways to get past these ill feelings and fall in love with your child.

But you have to want to. You have to initially force yourself to fake it till you make it.

I personally believe that God will also help you if you ask Him.

So how do you do it?

Well, for starters, you need to be honest. With yourself and with your child. Some things you will have to just learn to accept but there are some things that I think your child can change as well. If you can't stand the way your child goes around making clicking noises with their tongue, tell them. That is something they can stop. If your child waves their arms in your face when they are talking to you, ask them to politely stop. If your child's feet dragging, milk slurping, and hair combing irritates you to no end, be honest and express your feelings. Better to be honest and give your child the chance to stop doing something that annoys you rather than have them continue doing it only to drive a wedge further between the two of you. But if it is their smell that you can't stand, get used to it. They can't change their body chemistry and so you need to condition yourself to accept it. Comb your child's hair and put your nose up to their scalp. Pray that God will help you to love that smell, instinctively protect the child that has that scent. If it is the mere thought of hugging your child or sitting next to them---- make sure you do it twenty times a day. Hopefully you get the point.

Remember, love is a choice. You can choose to love your child-- but it is just that--- a choice and many times the choice to not try is easier.

I don't know why some of us have a hard time bonding to our child, but we do. And I feel that if these things are not talked about in the open, adoptive parents will continue to struggle with this. I have seen too many adoptions start out this way only to end in disruption because the child picked up on the ill feelings and started responding in much the same way as they were being treated by the parent.

My observation is that adoptive parents have attachment issues just as often as kids do if not more. Sadly, the child is most often times blamed for the issues that result from the parents feeling the way I described above. To talk more openly about this, and acknowledge your actions and feelings for what they truly are, I know that it is possible to overcome this roadblock and go on to parent your child.

P.S. It is good to reach out. Having a support network is so important. I hope this helps in even the smallest way. "

[aspenhall]

I read that once a while ago. It really helped to have it all put into words. I was able to change some stuff, and tolerate others, then I was able to find things I COULD admire, which turned the annoying stuff she couldn't help, into endearing quirks I could find amusing.....slowly it's turned from commitment into love. I'm still not ooey gooey, but I think that's me....

[kretzklan]

I agree 90%...but to say that the kids don't have RAD...but it's the parents not figuring out how to love them is a bit far. That's the 10% I disagree with. I was just writing about the fact that it goes both ways. If you don't fall madly in love at first, they push harder against you...it's instinctive...but then they are pushing and it makes it harder to fall in love, then they know and well - it's an ugly cycle.

[momraine]

I did fall in love with my kid, but he was not able to love me back. He is getting there, slowly. He does have issues, it's not just his reaction to my parenting, since he had the same issues before I got him. However, I have had to work on my own reactions to his behavior. To not take it personally even when he was shouting "I hate you" and to love him through it. It's hard to love with no reciprocation, it's possible, it's just a lot harder.