[Indy]

You know...sometimes I wonder why I set goals and look forward to things. For the past 10 years, I have tried to help children find themselves and have a better life.

Today, I realized that sometimes no matter how much we pray and work....it just wasn't to be. I was working this morning at home. The school called and asked me to come in for S. I knew it wasn't good, as they would not go into detail about what it was about (other then it was drug related). The vice principal met me at the door. It would seem that S and another boy were in the process of collecting "schrooms" for obvious reasons. Though nothing was collected, they were looking for them. The school had a note that had been passing back and forth between them. It laid everything out.

Wait...there's more. It would seem that they were collecting them for V, who spoke directly to the other boy on the phone on Monday and Tuesday night with S present.

Well, S was suspended for 3 days. Both boys statements were prepared and turned over the the DARE officer. So, I am now wondering when the police are going to show up to take V away. Of course, S's future is also in jeopardy as well. If the school moves forward, S could lose his 21st Century scholarship for college. He could also go to juvenile detention. It is a forgone conclusion that V is headed there.

Trip to Thailand is CANCELLED for the last time. No guardian will take V, not even if he is in juvenile detention. V doesn't turn 17 until June. I have 14 more months on this sentence when he turns 18. In the past, I have kept my tongue somewhat, as I hoped V would get through this phase and we could resolve things. I did not hold my tongue today. He has made clear (from his actions) his course in life. I opened up with both barrels. AND without yelling! He now knows what I think and feel. It is one thing to screw up your own life, it is another to screw up a little kid's life.

We had a family meeting and talked about the past year. It has been the worst year of my life. I told the boys that I am not leaving for Thailand, nor are we staying in this neighborhood. We will move when school is out. When talking about what is going on, I allowed J3 and C to voice their thoughts. They laid into V and S about drugs and alcohol. They said things I thought, but didn't say. I think it had more impact coming from a peer, then me.

C has taken the lead and is keeping S working on nasty tasks (scrubbing toilets, mopping floors, cleaning baseboards, etc). I am to tired. I really don't even want to hear his voice right now.

V actually sent me a message through myspace, saying he was sorry and that he was going to quit. Though this is the FIRST time he has ever apologized for what has been going on...it is to little, to late.

Why do I dream and have hopes? I am just feeling so old and tired right now.

[lovemy6]

I'm SO sorry the boys are acting like buttheads

[kburch]

So sorry, Indy... I don't even know what to say. Hugs!

[crick]

With S only being 11, will the consequences from the state really be that severe? Especially with him being influenced and led by his older brother?

Maybe it's time for V to be in juvie for 6 months so he can clean up his act and not be around to influence his younger brothers.

[lucyjoy]

Hell is an ugly place and I'm sorry you've been drafted there. I promise, it does at some point end when they all start moving out. It has been a horrid year for you and you likely have a rough summer coming up.

Move them to a nice, tiny town and find them some nice hard farm work to do.

I hope Juvie does take V or that they put him into in patient drug treatment so he can give you a break and himself a chance to get it before it really is too late.


Maybe you can "sentence" S to dad jail for a while. He works around the house/yard, stays within range of you, goes to bed early, loses all electronics for a time(in my house, he'd have kissed all of summer goodby but I'm a mean, mean mom.

[aMarylandfamily]

Started out a reply and started out a reply and started out a reply ... saying all the phrases about hanging in there, not giving up and so on ... but know that only time can help here as you re-route your world (location, rules & regulations, etc. etc.) and that you will recover and proceed as needed until your decisions don't include the boys ... but do know we are all here for you, caring, understanding and hope you lean on us as you walk more difficult steps of life. We care! Hugs and prayers being sent your way too!!!

[aspenhall]

Here's hoping S will get scared "straight" and V will do some time....

I'm so glad it's coming from your other boys and not just you.

Sorry to hear you're in hell....At least they have INTERNET there! lol

[kay]

I'm so sorry, Indy! This is one of those "it's just not FAIR!" times when words won't help. I can feel and understand your frustration and sadness, where there seems just no way OUT, like you're stuck. All I can do is send my sympathy and understanding, and my belief in you. You're a great dad and a great person, strong and centered and caring - and you will get through this and be able to plan and dream again. Thoughts, hugs and prayers.

[Lylac]

Hugs Indy! I echo what the others have said. And I know you said this was the last time..but is there anyway to keep your dream semi alive..just onhold, until things can get worked out. It's not fair to you or your other boys. Sending prayers that things will soon go in the other direction.

[Kerbchek]

Sorry to hear of your rotten day... and year for that matter... It's sad to hear of S getting involved in such... I know I'm not there experiencing this but it just seems you always include a little ray of real goodness in V... that after the fact he maybe feels some remorse... and if that's so, that's good... I hope things mellow down soon... I think with it being the time of year, kids get goofy... My J's had quite the attitude lately...

[UnconventionalMom]

I'm so sorry. Please know that you're not alone.

[Barksum]

Ah, MAN! So sorry to hear things have degenerated still further.

Like a kidney stone, this too shall pass. (It will leave scars as it scritches and scrapes its way out, though.)

Love is ALL about pain. Keep your focus where you know it should be and know that you can't do this in your own strength.

[po]

so sorry to hear of what your boys are putting you through. You are such a terrific person to have worked with some of the most difficult kids and give them a chance at a good life. They just are so slow at learning what they have had and given up. The scars go deep in their early childhood and the cw expect us to work miracles. My prayers are with you and continue to look for your updates.

[Original Mike]

It seems pretty clear to me that V is a serious danger to S (and probalby to J4 eventually as well). You need to get him locked up NOW!

I guess I see enogh junkies at my job to know that V is probably a lost cause. To get off drugs, one has to WANT to get clean. For all of his "I'm Sorrys", you know V has no intention of voluntarily getting clean. in fact, it seems that he's graduated up from pot to hallucinogens, and that is a major concern. The fact that he is using these young kids to do his dirty work scares the crap out of me. If you have any aerosols or spray paint, lock them up as that might be his next stop.

I know how frustrated you are right now. I don't thing there is anything you could have done that would have changed things. V is willingly making these decisions, despite the 200% effort you have put into trying to steer him right. Don't beat yourself up, you're an outstandig Dad.

As fo Thailand, I don't see it as DOA, I just see it as beng put on hold. In fact, it may be better to head there with just S and J4 next year.

Keep your chin up!! You're a strong person and you will get through this!

[ajjhmf]

Indy, I read this yesterday and wanted to think on it a bit before responding.

First, I am really scared for your younger kids. If V is having them do his dirty work, then it's not too far a jump to him introducing them to the drugs themselves. He's already done it with the older boys, How much longer before he thinks it's funny to get J4 high?

If V was in my house, I would probably call the cops on him myself. I realized he's your son, but he is way out of bounds here. I would take a proactive stance in getting him in either treatment or juvie.

In the meantime, I'd also home jail him. His room would be stripped and an alarm would be installed. He'd be either in his room or within arm reach of me the entire time he was home. I'd also walk him to his first class and them pick him up at the door of his last. I'd call his school and make sure the high school knows what is going on. They can search his locker and have the school officer talk to him as well.

My thought is that from what you have said about V is that he is certainly not attached and is working pretty hard to manipulate you into thinking he is. A myspace apology doesn't count to me. If he's sorry, he'd volunteer himself for rehab and be making amends to his family.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Please know that we are all praying for you and your kids.