[mommytoEli]

seriously. how do you all do it? i'm in a constant state of trying to figure out how to take my life back and not allow her to control and hurt me. i feel like whenever i "figure something out," it buys me a few really good days, and then she is on to me, and the few really good days, are followed by even crazier AWFUL days, or weeks. i find myself not only walking on egg shells, mostly to keep my own sanity, but also adjusting my life OVER AND OVER again so i don't set her off at times that are not convenient for me. i feel like this: most days. lol.

i guess after all this i just wonder, when a RAD kid moves out, do YOU stop feeling so crazy all the time? or do they just find new ways to control you from afar? my kid is smart. i am pretty sure she will be successful in college. i just wonder what life will be like when it is time for that...both for her at school, and for me at home without her. can RAD kids be successful? i honestly don't know. can parents of RAD kids out of the home regain some of the normalcy their life used to have?

[aspenhall]

I really think it causes us to have PTSD.

I don't think they'll be able to maintain long term relationships. But they may have successful careers.

I got thropugh it with the help of wellbutrin. I was able to totally step back and accepts things as they were. After a year or so of that, I had no triggers to push, so she quit trying. A lot of it had to be me letting go of my expectations for her, and me trying to help her avoid unpleasant things in her life. I had to change who I was as a parent.

It sucked to watch her suffer horribly and only be able to say "Yeah that sucks doesn't it...I wouldn't have done it that way, how do you think you'll handle it next time?"

When the manipulative passive-aggressive verbal abuse started I simply grounded her from speaking......I really don't know how to enforce it if she decides to challenge me...it's the one rule she obeys automatically....

[AmyAnne]

On the matter of passive-agressive verbal abuse... when it happens here, we send my son out with a grocery bag to clean up litter in the neighborhood. (On the theory that if he wants to pollute my environment with his negativity, he can then unpollute it by cleaning up the neighborhood). We have rules (do not pick up dead animals or broken glass) and he's given the option of wearing gloves, which he chooses not to.

[kretzklan]

I was just writing about this - which came first: my kids' RAD or my total insanity??? I must say that I had a breakthrough a few weeks ago and woke up with this thing in my head that I was going to take my life back. I don't know where it came from - but I've been doing it. I think it's one step at a time. I told my DD a few days ago that I was sorry to see that she was trying to make everyone sad - but I'm happy and she can be happy with me or be sad alone . I didn't send her away or anything - just went on with my day. I still give out consequences, but I've taken to singing them out while dancing around my kitchen. Some would say it's because I'm actually crazy...but I've decided it's crazy like a fox! BTW, it's driving my kids MAD...they don't like me being happy while handing out those nasty consequences for ugly behavior!

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by AmyAnne

On the matter of passive-agressive verbal abuse... .

omg....my dd just did this for the first time last week. i count myself blessed THIS has not been a part of her usual repetoire. i thought i'd fly threw the roof. lol. if she adds this to her usual routine, i will most likely have to consider meds...for myself.

I must say that I had a breakthrough a few weeks ago and woke up with this thing in my head that I was going to take my life back.

i had this revelation myself...i know where it came from, dh wanted to buy a book about how we could change as parents to help our dd. i know it is wrong, but i just could NOT make one more adjustment for her at this time. he started to read the inside cover, and it was all about how hard life was for HER. and i stopped him, the lightbulb went on, and i said life was hard FOR ME. for 6 years i've tried to make life easier for her. she doesn't want it. i do. i told her i was taking my life back from her. and i am. i don't know how long it will last, or how hard she'll continue to fight me to prove that she really does control me. but i have to try something. since i told her that, and i have been much less stressed, i've actually been more in tune to her deceptions. it is like i can feel it....i know the exact moment to walk upstairs and catch her doing something she knows she shouldn't. yesterday she cried when i caught her, and i just thanked her for her performance and walked out. lol. i can't believe how quickly the antics stopped when she realized i wasn't going to allow her to engage me. i hope i can keep this up. i need a mental break.

I still give out consequences, but I've taken to singing them out while dancing around my kitchen. Some would say it's because I'm actually crazy...

i think i am a little bit crazier than i ever was....a previous op said it, i believe it, RAD parents are at risk for ptsd.

[UnconventionalMom]

When your kid turns 18 and eventually moves out, I believe you yourself have to make changes in your own dealings with your child or else things will never change. After all these years of teaching, therapizing, helping, nurturing... you'll need to step back give your child the chance to sink or swim which is hard after so many years of doing just the opposite.

I know for sure what doesn't work. My parents are still bailing my sister out of every mess she gets into, they've never allowed her to experience true consequences for her actions (and boy-oh-boy have there been actions!). THEY are so apt to get sucked in that they've helped create an extremely co-dependent relationship which is destructive to all parties. In the end, they're not willing to let go because they don't want to feel like failures if she fails.

I really want my parents to be able to step away and not take it personally if my sister gets hurt.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by UnconventionalMom

When your kid turns 18 and eventually moves out, I believe you yourself have to make changes in your own dealings with your child or else things will never change. After all these years of teaching, therapizing, helping, nurturing... you'll need to step back give your child the chance to sink or swim which is hard after so many years of doing just the opposite.

I know for sure what doesn't work. My parents are still bailing my sister out of every mess she gets into, they've never allowed her to experience true consequences for her actions (and boy-oh-boy have there been actions!). THEY are so apt to get sucked in that they've helped create an extremely co-dependent relationship which is destructive to all parties. In the end, they're not willing to let go because they don't want to feel like failures if she fails.

I really want my parents to be able to step away and not take it personally if my sister gets hurt.

thank you for that perspective.

[UnconventionalMom]

You're very welcome.
I wish I could say the drama goes away, but at least you have the power to control how much you get involved.

[Rainbow mom]

I can only speak for our selves. Our DS 18 RAD is in an RTC, and has been for a year now. Our lives have changed so dramatically it is kind of spooky. I agree with the PTSD and I think everyone in our home had it!!

The first couple of months everyone stayed away from each other, like they would have had he been home. Avoiding him and us. Then suddenly one night the kids (ds16, DD8 and DS6) were in DD's room playing high school musical karoke and charades. I had tears of joy running down my face. I knew that is how it should have been all along.

I am NOT saying it has been easy, there are times one of the other kids gets my goat and I go off on the raddercoaster. Sometimes I think they don't know how else to confront issues with out the drama. 14 years of RADish exposure can do that to a person.

Our youngest two have NEVER known anything but dysfunction due to our RADish. They came home as newborns.

Do I care about our RADish yes, now I can care but not carry. It is a huge weight left off my shoulders. He has learned many coping skills and is heading into an independant living program to help get him onto his feet. I am sure I will have issues in the future but now that he is 18 I can choose to join the chaos or not.

[greenrobin]

I'm really not trying to be a nerd or a pain here, but can someone help me?

I've read through the thread and I still can't wrap my mind around "passive-agressive verbal abuse." I'm sure I've been the victim, living with an ODD, bipolar, ADHD kid. I just never heard it called that.

So, can you give me an example? Preferably without thinking, "What a noob!" Or, you can go ahead and think it, just don't tell me!

Thanks!

[Rainbow mom]

Passive aggressive characteristics
A laundry list of passive-aggressive clues in your Prince might include:

• He's often ambiguous about activities, plans or ideas. This gives him "wiggle room." If something goes wrong, he has an opportunity to blame someone else.

• He avoids responsibility by claiming he forgot.

• Chronic tardiness.

• Whines and complains a lot.

• Won't display anger openly. Prefers to do it through notes or email.

• Resists authority in almost everything, even when there seems to be no reason to do so.

• Resists suggestions from others.

• Fears competition.

• Avoids dependency.

• Fears intimacy (may use infidelity as a means of acting out anger or resentment).

• Intentionally creates chaos in relationships--usually without knowing it.

• Is intentionally inefficient when asked to do something he doesn't want to do.

• Makes a lot of excuses.

• Often "loses" things.

• Procrastinates.

• Is often sarcastic.

• Stubborn.

• Sullen.

• Claims not to understand what he's doing when asked to perform.

• Hopes to get you to believe it would take you longer to explain how to do something to him than it would be simply to do it yourself.

The abuse part comes in when everything that goes wrong is YOUR fault not theirs. Constant chaos and undermining every event, family situation and relationship outside the home. They appear charming and many wish to rescue them from thier evil parents.

[aspenhall]

I agree the abuse part is doing these things to make you appear slow, stupid, incapable, powerless or to make you FEEL you are stupid, slow, gullible, powerless, useless, unnecessary.

Refusing to ask for help from you, but begging for help from anyone else is done specifically to make you feel useless and unwanted. Ignoring you and doing the direct opposite is to prove to you that you are incapable and powerless/helpless. Giving affection, but withholding it from you is to show you you are unloveable.

What's killer, is nobody else sees it. They only see the cute affectionate child asking for help. Someone who "struggles" with things and a mom who is cold and insensitive to this child's "needs".

Then the child gets other adults to criticize the parent making them feel even less able to do the job. All of a sudden the "not worth anything as a parent" message is being received in multiple directions from multiple sources, usually your most trusted family/friends.

Responding in a passive aggressive manner and suggesting their shortcomings/consequences are YOUR faut because of YOUR weaknesses or choices... Being told and then "proven" all day, everyday, that you suck as a parent qualifies as emotional abuse. Generating contention between you and your spouse is passive aggressive, but the message that you absorb from the contention is one that makes you doubt yourself, your choices, your abilities..

[greenrobin]

Thank you very much.

I was right--I've experienced it.

Some club, huh?

[aspenhall]

At first it sounds impossible...isn't abuse direct and in your face and harsh??

But yeah, people can create and manipulate an environment to make you feel bad, without directly saying anything...it's the worst kind, because it's invisible and hard to see happening until it's over.

[mommytoEli]

ahh...well, if that is how

passive-agressive verbal abuse

is defined, then my dd does that every day all day. lol. ha ha. i was thinking more along the lines of how they will make comments as they walk away from you, so that you will start the confrontation, and they can say they weren't talking to you, or something dumb like that. THAT, my dd did for the first time last week. but this:

I agree the abuse part is doing these things to make you appear slow, stupid, incapable, powerless or to make you FEEL you are stupid, slow, gullible, powerless, useless, unnecessary.

is my life. lol. i have to laugh....lol...if i don't...i may lose my mind.