[aspenhall]

You just need to be able to recognize it now, and reject it as another tool of manipulation.

The only way to get her to stop is to get her to believe it's an ineffective and useless tool. Which you can only prove to her by not letting it get to you.

And by discussing the story of "surviving in alaska" where the person then moves to phoenix and all her tools for survival are not needed any longer, and in fact can be dangerous.

[karenw]

The passive-aggressive part drives me crazy!!! Our oldest (20 yr) is pulling this in a major way by barely getting by on his own and then whining to everyone how unsupportive we are. We have offered help with parameters, but he doesn't want to be "controlled" by us. Youngest is more in your face about things, and I try not to be triggered-but sometimes he just sets me off. It has been happening less frequently, but then is such a blow when he starts wailing and whining about how he is such a terrible person-the diversion no longer works- but we still get sucked in at times. Arrghh! I have to say, things in general are much more peaceful with the oldest out of the house.
Karen

[sundara]

of my 4 kids, 1 is totally PTSD/RAD/Borderline Personality Disordered (she's 19). The oldest is deceptive but not RAD, the younger two are varying degrees of PTSD with some fun attachment disordered behaviors as well.

We had a horrible 4 years of total chaos until the RADish took off 9 months ago to live with bio mom. Since then, the younger two have gone from contributing to the chaos on a daily basis to living the majority of the time in a peaceful manner.

However, the youngest who has had some passive-aggressive behaviors in the past but had done a lot of work to change them, recently (in the last month) started a slide downhill.

Here is a passive-aggressive thing - reactions out of proportion to the problem. We told her she cannot see her boyfriend on an early release school day due to no parental supervision - her reactions were:
- yelling, screaming, slamming doors
- attempting to split DH and I by telling me she has to talk over her feelings with him and that I am not allowed (we stopped that one)
- removing her picture from our wall display (but left the empty frame for us)
- punched a punching bag for 30 minutes until both hands were completely bruised and bloodied
- instigating fights with her brother (2 years older) because he gets to take his girlfriend out for a birthday dinner (with DH driving)
- telling her brother she would 'make our life a living hell' if he gets to go out & she doesn't

and on and on for 2 days.

[UnconventionalMom]

I don't see how some of the behaviors listed in this thread can be termed "passive" aggressive. Passive Aggressive usually means backhanded comments or actions that you know are intended to hurt but could easily be perceived as innocent to the uninformed.

[momraine]

My son's passive agressive actions are always things that seem like innocent mistakes. Running over my foot with the wheelchair, when I tell him to go around an object on the right (usually because that's where the curb cutout or ramp is) he will go left and then complain that there are stairs. In school his pencils and markers and crayons were always "accidentally" rolling off the table. His food also falls off the table. He "forgets" to zip his back pack and so bad papers or notes from the teacher "fall out". If anyone disiplines him, he will "accidentaly" run over thier foot with his wheelchair or he will scrape the walls on his way in or out of the room. He always says "oops" with a big grin when he is doing something like that. His pencil leads break constantly, his toys break accidentaly, but only gifts from people he is angry at. He "accidentaly" breaks his siblings things. Everything he does if viewed alone by an outsider would seem to be an accident. However, I know that he is an expert at driving his wheelchair, he never hits anything or anyone unless he wants to. He has been caught flicking food and pencils off the table, though he is usually very careful to make sure no one is looking, his teacher was very vigilant. She felt guilty for accusing him of doing it on purpose, so she watched carefully one day and caught him. He also pretends to have to go to the bathroom when he is bored. He is very good at it. He will bounce and you would swear he is about to wet his pants. I have been chastised many times on this one when he does it in public and I don't let him go. (one time after a particularly good performance in church a lady followed him cause she didnt beleive me and was shocked when after all that bouncing and whining and holding himself he wheeled right past not one, but two bathrooms and went to Sunday School. She asked him if he had to go and he said no, maybe later.) The things he does mostly seem innocent, like mistakes or accidents or like he didn't understand or hear me. (he does the opposite of what I tell him often) If other people are around he will give a wide eyed look with his standard "oops" and then if I react I look like the crazy mom, punishing him for a mistake or accident.

[Lorraine123]

Passive Aggressive usually means backhanded comments or actions that you know are intended to hurt but could easily be perceived as innocent to the uninformed.

I agree.

My daughter is extremely passive-aggressive. She will pretend like she didn't hear me. She will do the opposite of what I said, claiming I didn't say it clearly. She will be SLOW on purpose. She will spill things "accidentally". When she hugs, it may be a "little to tight". She will step on my feet. She will mumble so that I have to ask her to repeat. She will make herself throw up and claim to others that she is sick and I will not let her rest. She hums. She hiccups. She puts things in the wrong place. She pretends helplessness when we are in public. The list goes on and on. By themselves, these things seem small. But its constant. In fact, while I have been typing this, she has done four of these things. Its done to make me feel crazy, and it works. She went through a period when she was just aggressive (not passive), and I have to say I prefer that. A passive aggressive child is scary. Is she putting poison in my drinks? Spitting in my food? Hiding things? I never know what she is plotting, but to the outside world, she is absolutely adorable.

[momraine]

Oh the helpless one is one that drives me nuts! That and the singing, purposely done loudly and in a monotone. I thought he was just tone deaf until a teacher told me he can sing find in music class, but in front of an audience he becomes very, very loud and monotone. He does that when I am reading or working on something or driving. He also says "what?" to everything I say and mumbles so I have to ask him what he said. The mumbling has gotten some better because I will pretend that he said something ridiculas, and respond that way. Like I will say "oh you want to wear a dress to school tomorow, well OK if you really want to". He will then be louder to make sure I know what he said. He begs the bus driver to come in with him if he has to tell me something like he fell or got a bad grade, pretending he is afraid of me.

[mommytoEli]

A passive aggressive child is scary. Is she putting poison in my drinks? Spitting in my food? Hiding things? I never know what she is plotting, but to the outside world, she is absolutely adorable.

i feel this way. last night was a disaster in our home. manipulate, lie, crap, crap, crap. so....when she thought she was punishing me by not getting her clothes out of the laundry (she's 14...fully capable) so that i could not finish my load in the wash, after more than several reminders.... i "helped her by getting them out for her." they are now in my room. taking them was a little catch-22 ish. if i didn't take them, and i took them out and gave them to her, she won. if i left them there and didn't do my laundry, she won. if i made her do it, i'd have to battle with her, she'd feel like she got to me, and she'd win. so i took them. i win! ....but.....then i spent the night wondering if she was spitting in my favorite cup. lol. i didn't use it today just in case...i used hers. lol. that should be safe right?

anyway...back to the original topic. i hope, in three years, that i can breathe a little easier, sleep with both eyes closed, and in general just live a much less stressful, chaotic life. i hope she can find her niche in this world, use her skills in manipulation for good, and find success in life. i hope when she is for real in control of her own life, that she will learn to relate to people, take care of herself, and learn to take responsibility for herself and her actions.

[UnconventionalMom]

Originally Posted by mommytoEli

i hope, in three years, that i can breathe a little easier, sleep with both eyes closed, and in general just live a much less stressful, chaotic life.

How many times have you read here and in speaking with parents in similar situations the sentiment Life became so much calmer when ____ moved out!. Talk about a catch 22! But I think you'll sleep with at least both eyes closed when that day comes.

[sundara]

don't see how some of the behaviors listed in this thread can be termed "passive" aggressive. Passive Aggressive usually means backhanded comments or actions that you know are intended to hurt but could easily be perceived as innocent to the uninformed.

For my daughter's behaviors (slamming doors etc) - she explains them all away. For example:
- punching bag til bloody: 'I was exercising' and the wounds 'arent a big deal and they dont hurt'
- door slamming: 'my window was open & the wind caused it to slam'
- missing pictures: she removes them when we are not home or are not looking, sometimes claims she doesn't know what happened to them, or they are gone because 'you don't really love me' or 'you were mean and abusive to me'
- trying to split the parents: 'you arent letting me discuss my feelings with Dad privately'
- statements to brother: always done when we are not around, never says this where we can hear


and yes, we get tons of under-the-breath mutterings about not being fair or its our fault if she [fill in the blank] (examples: if she cuts herself, runs away, commits suicide, starves herself, hates our guts, etc)

End result - its all passive-aggressive (according to her therapist) because she will not admit to herself or to us that she is angry & acting out on her anger.

[Rainbow mom]

Much of it is passive agressive. Have a school party that you don't mention you need treats for them tell your teacher your mom didn't want to send stuff.

Changing you clothes on the way to school (to holey old stained) tell your teacher your parents don't have money for new clothes. Meanwhile you have a stack of stepped on wadded brand new shirts with lord knows what on them stuffed under your bed next to 16 pocket knives you have stolen.

RAD is BAD *thinks we need a theme song*

[aspenhall]

How about The Police.... "I'll be watchin' you".......every move you make, every breath you take, every vow you break, every smile you fake.....

[Rainbow mom]

Bad to the bone, Devil went down to Georgia... Or them music to the Goodthe Bad and the Ugly....

[kay]

I used to be The Good Mom, when he "forgot" and either didn't transfer the laundry from the washer to the dryer, or forgot to take it out of the dryer. I'd do the transfer, or lovingly remove and fold his clothes. Now if I need to use the machines and either one is full of his clothes, I take them out and dump them on the floor of his room. It took a LONG time for me to get there, and it goes so contrary to my wishes to be Loving Supportive Mom - but, I am not the maid or the slave, and I'm not real fond of the power play that's going on underneath such nonsense.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by aspenhall

How about The Police.... "I'll be watchin' you".......every move you make, every breath you take, every vow you break, every smile you fake.....

is that me watching her, or her watching me? lol. i just walked into the computer room, caught my dh's eye, and motioned 1,2,3 and pointed to the door as i sat down. dd "appeared" and said, "mom?" dh spit his water out he laughed so hard. i swear to God she stalks me!