[ajjhmf]

For years we have been trying to help J with is social woes. I have set up play dates, arranged activities and coached him in how to handle various situations.

Honestly, I don't think anything has helped.

Recently, he's taken to being really obnoxious with his peers. He's in their faces, butting into their games and conversations even when they asked him multiple times to leave him alone. He really has no friends. He has kids who are nice to him. And there is one neighbor family that plays with him, but they are only available to play every few days for maybe 30 minutes or so. I hate watching my son struggle like that, but seriously, he's not a fun kid to be around. He just doesn't pick up on ANY social cues and that drives kids batty. He's not deliberately trying to drive them away, but he actions just do.

Last night, I tried coaching him after a particularly ugly encounter that ended with J being shoved to the ground because he just wouldn't take no for an answer. We talked through the situation and I tried to help him see what missteps were taken and thing he could do better the next time. He wasn't very happy about it. He turned his anger and frustration on me and ended up being sent to be early and then crying himself to sleep. He was still angry this morning.

He tells me with is actions over and over again that he does not want my help. Yet, it falls back on me when he's sitting around bored or upset because "no one will play with me." I can imagine that its a very lonely feeling and I know that this summer will be a complete bear because of it. But he doesn't want to take any help we try and give him. So, should I just quit and let him deal with a childhood with no friends, birthday parties and sleepovers? I've reached the point where I am emotional done here.

[jeffw]

Is he able to play happily by himself on a regular basis? Just asking because I don't think a kid could learn to play with others until after they learn to play alone.

[ajjhmf]

He plays alone quite well. He has an amazing imagination and will play for hours creating Lego ships and battles with his action figures.

It's the peer stuff he can't do. We try to pair him up with kids a couple years younger since that is more his level, but that is remarkably hard to do.

[crick]

Have you considered a social peer group run by a therapist? I looked into this for my J when the bullying was out of control and he couldn't seem to respond in ways that would help him stand his ground etc.

I found several therapists in the area that run "peer groups" with kids who have some of the same challenges to help them respond and react more appropriately in social settings.

I wonder if he would take to this more coming from another adult than you? How does he respond to instructions by his coaches or tae kwon do instructor? If he seems to take their directions well, this might be a good setting for him.

My J is still not completely socially "mature" but he has improved greatly in the last year. Part of it is age too I think and in J's case, that seemed to help more than anything we did.

[chickymum]

I have no real advice here as I am struggling with my own issues of outside people and DD right now but does it help if you ask him after an encounter what he thinks he did wrong? If it were my DD she would be able to tell me exactly what she did wrong, she would still not change anything the next time around but it would be a little easier for me to remind her that she does these things to herself and move on without as much emotional heartache.

[kretzklan]

The life of the socially adept...I have no advice because I can't figure it out for my struggler - but I just wanted to say that saying "I'm bored" means you are really wanting to work hard...I give chores for that!

[lucyjoy]

Does he understand that the other kids don't like him? T never did. It bothered ME greatly that he missed out on social stuff but he didn't notice. Does J feel bad about the lack of interaction or just hate the boredom?

If he's just bored or not bothered by his social missteps, then you stepping back isn't a big issue. He can practice social stuff just playing with you, dad, and his siblings.

If he doesn't want your help, the you can't help. When he comes to you upset, responding with things like, "that must have hurt your feelings" and possibly follow up with a question as to what he thinks would have worked better(depending on how he responds to that).

He has some social delays, and you can't fix those. He will learn to adapt over time to get what he needs.

It is tough to watch and I think often more painful for the parent then the child.

[aspenhall]

I think I'd ask him to "build a friend" Make a paper cut out of a person (like paper doll) and wirte on it all the qualities he WANTS in a friend. Then hang it on his wall.

When he has complaints, point out that "a friend doesn't make me feel bad" on the list, and ask him if he thinks he's being a good friend like he wants others to be?

Also get the kids' book "Do Unto Otters", it's hilarious and it gets the point across pretty well.

My dd has social issues also where she bugs kids. So I ask her now "How did that choice work out for you?" and I pretty much leave it at that. She's been taught, it's up to her to want it bad enough to make the changes.

I wonder can you film a play acting role of his situations and let him see it? Use other kids, or use adults. Have him critique it, and pick up on the clues the other kid gives off. Have him pause the tape at each clue and tell you the appropriate response. At the end, before it's over, pause it and ask him to predict what he thinks will happen.

Ask him to give advice to the person on the tape....

[momraine]

I have yet to find anything that works for M either. I just found out when he got mad at a girl yesterday and told me he was going to ask for all his stuff back, that he is once again trying to buy friends. We have talked and read books and everything. The thing with him is he wants to have friends, but he wants them to do what he tells them to do all the time and he does not want to have to give any. I am pretty much giving up too. We are doing the birthday party with his sibs and two kids, except that he has now "uninvited" one, so I don't know if she will come.

[Christians-Mommy]

Here we have a service called PSR. It stands for Psyco-social Rehabilitation. My three year old is getting services. She is super controlling of other children and has a hard time interacting appropriately in play situations. Her PSR worker takes her places and to play groups and helps her to take turns and use her nice words etc. I know that it has been helpful for her. Sometimes kids don't respond as well to their "parents" as they do to an outside adult.

[OakShannon]

Originally Posted by crick

Have you considered a social peer group run by a therapist? I looked into this for my J when the bullying was out of control and he couldn't seem to respond in ways that would help him stand his ground etc.

I found several therapists in the area that run "peer groups" with kids who have some of the same challenges to help them respond and react more appropriately in social settings.

I wonder if he would take to this more coming from another adult than you? How does he respond to instructions by his coaches or tae kwon do instructor? If he seems to take their directions well, this might be a good setting for him.

My J is still not completely socially "mature" but he has improved greatly in the last year. Part of it is age too I think and in J's case, that seemed to help more than anything we did.

The 12-year-old that I homeschool is in a group like this that meets weekly. R has very poor social skills. He does not pick up on social cues, shows no awareness of other people's needs or interests, etc. When I take him out for field trips or classes (which I do often for practice) I have to coach him on how to notice other people so that he doesn't just stand in front of them, bump them out of his way or interrupt them when they're talking.

The "Social Connections" class he's in has the kids work on projects together. Movie making is a big one. (They've been working on a series of movies about a man-eating doughnut. ) The kids have to work together on writing scripts, choosing parts, taking turns with the camera, etc. and they get coached on how to do that. The project is so engaging that it really motivates them to work together. For the first time, I hear R talk about friends that he has made in this class. Before, he openly acknowledged that he didn't have any friends. So it does seem to be helping him. He's still pretty rough around the edges, but his behavior is much better than it was when I first met him a year ago.

[lovemy6]

This sounds like my son who has Asperger's. We are trying to train him to see people as others see them. It's a slow process, but we're seeing some progress. He just doesn't get social cues much. He doesn't get that when he talks to himself outloud, and is looking at someone else, that person is going to think they're talking to him. For example: During chess he made a silly mistake, looked at the girl he was playing against, and said "Stupid". She was upset, thinking he was talking to her. Then he got upset that she didn't believe he was talking to himself.

He's easily led into inappropriate behaviors, bc he doesn't get what's appropriate or not.

Good luck with your son. It's just as hard on mom as it is on the kids!

[UnconventionalMom]

There are a lot of different possibilities but one thing to consider is if your son suffered neglect in his infancy he may never have grown the proper neural connections to allow him to read social cues.

It may be necessary to regress to the point where the neglect started and start treating him like that age and slowly regrow those connections. Emotions are not completely separate from the brain afterall and while we're built to learn to love, we can't if we don't have someone teaching us in our most formative years.

[ajjhmf]

Originally Posted by UnconventionalMom

There are a lot of different possibilities but one thing to consider is if your son suffered neglect in his infancy he may never have grown the proper neural connections to allow him to read social cues.

I do believe that this is precisely the problem we are dealing with. We are working with him at that angle and even looking into some underdevelopment therapy to fill in those gaps in his development. It's very expensive and not covered though.

Sometimes it is just so frustrating.

That said, we did find that J had a HUGE stash of pilfered Easter Candy last night. Which explains, in part, his rapid regression and surliness. Hopefully when he finishes detoxing, he'll be back to himself.

[UnconventionalMom]

Originally Posted by ajjhmf

Sometimes it is just so frustrating.

I don't know how you can type that without the following smilies: