[Lylac]

It's no big secret that I haven't had or allowed any contact with my kids bio family, except a few of Lyla's. And even now they've drifted off. It's been almost 2 years since Lyla's gr mother has even called to check on her. And I KNOW she could if she really wanted to. Because of the abuse and stuff I just don't see that it would be in their best interest anyways.

Abbie's story is different. She wasn't abused at all. And I feel totally different about her bio family. Anyways Abbie has 1 gr mother that was constant while she was in foster care. And our information was given to her. I was upset about that..at first. I mean come on.. who wouldn't want their personal information given out to their kids birth families..without first being asked.

Abbie's gr. mother sent Abbie a Bday card and gift card like she does every year. And normally I wouldn't even reply back to her. But this time..I dunno why. I decided to send her a card, some pictures and an update. I also gave her our email addy and told her that she could write whenever she wanted.

She's a musician and has a myspace page, so I even added her as a friend. She's not signed..yet, but I think her voice is beautiful for the type of music she sings. Folk, accustic and Blues.

I have gotten a couple of emails from her already, and she's such a nice and respectful lady. She was so happy and thankful for the stuff I sent. And she even sent me some pics of Abbie when she was younger.

This is all so new to me. I don't feel threatened by her at all. I would in no way shape or form do this with my other kids bio family. The abuse was just too severe and the ownership of that abuse has been zero. I hope to keep in contact wih her. She is the only real link that I have to Abbie's history..I just hope that this isn't a mistake.

[mrsred]

This is a good thing Lylac. We have the most wonderful relationship with T's birth grandmother. It didn't really start that way, but we have become really good friends.
We also have a relationship of sorts with her b mom, which is not so good. But that is a different story.
I am glad this g'ma gets the peace of knowing how Abbie is doing.

[aspenhall]

Trust your gut...it sounds like she is a good person, and kids can always benefit from more people loving them...besides it's not as if the intricacies of a semi open adoption will really complicate understanding for Abbie.

I think it's awesome. When you know you can trust the other person to act mature and in your childs best interest, it's a wonderful thing. I'll bet you were an answer to many members of her bio family's prayers by doing this small thing!

[kpd072362]

Lylac, I agree with Aspen. I don't think Abbie will understand what's going on, but just think how you would feel if you were the GMA. I bet it was an answered prayer for you to send the card and pictures. I'm sure she has been worried to death about her granddaughter. Esp. since she doesn't know you and DH. She didn't know how Abbie would be treated. So, I am 100% for you keeping in contact with gma. You know my DH and I have a relationship with R & J's bio gma. It great, not only for her but it will be for them in the future as well. Do worry, I think it'll be great.

[crick]

I think that it's great you have someone who truly cares about Abbie and links to her past!

I think over time we "mellow" a bit on some things, kwim? (some will never be mellowed and shouldn't)

I don't mean to say that one day we just totally forget the things done to our kids and accept everyone with welcome arms, especially if those contributed to the abuse. I do think though that we find a bit more balance sometimes in going from the all out protective Mama Bear "OMG, all these people failed and hurt my child! Good riddance!" to "I can see that this person did the best they could and know that the link to them and my child is important". Doesn't mean we necessarily forgive and forget etc., just means I think we grow a little to open our minds a bit more to their past. We can kind of more objectively see past those thorns and find the flowers. Okay, that was hokey, but y'all know what I mean! (I obviously need more coffee) LOL!

[lovemy6]

We're in year seven of an open adoption with my younger kids' bmom and her parents. It has been very difficult, bc our life styles are very different, but it has been more of a positive for my kids than not.

We waited until the kids were healed from their RAD to begin the face to face visits. Once they were firmly attached to us, visits were very easy for my dd (who was almost 3 when she came to us). The visits were hard on my son who was 5 when he joined our family, but they have become easier in the last couple of years.

We were also able to get baby pictures of the kids. Also, both bmom and her mom have had changes in their dx's since our kids were adopted. Both have conditions that have a genetic component, so it's nice to have that medical information. We wouldn't have it if we didn't have contact with them.

As a grandma myself, I couldn't imagin how hard it would be not to be in my gdd's life. I guess that's why I feel so strongly that if they aren't a danger to our kids and if they're supportive of us as the kids' parents, they can play a positive role in our kids' lives.

[kpd072362]

We've also been able to get pictures of our babies when they were born as well as information about where they were born. In our relationship with gma, we've also gotten need health information that we may not have been able to get otherwise. So far our experience in knowing our kids gma has been very positive and I hope yours is too.

You may never decide to have face to face visits. But, at least you will have the email contact as well as gma sending cards and gifts. Who know this may turn into something really amazing.

[sassafras]

I have contact with one my kids birth aunts. I write to her through the foster mom and vice versa. I send her pics of the kids and I'm sure she shows bio mom and other family members. My kids weren't abused either. She sends us pics of their little nephews etc. My kids are always glad to get them. I don't feel it's been a mistake. It has been a blessing of for both sides.

[TxMom65]

We recently opened contact with a birth grandfather. I now have baby pictures! My daughter has also enjoyed seeing him so much.

At times it has been a little sticky but we all love her so much. It is worth it.

[marythemom]

Contact with birthfamily has been a really mixed bag for us. On the one hand, biosisters still live with biomom so it's been nice to have contact with biograndma because she lets us know when the girls are with her so my kids can talk with them. On the other hand, biograndma has told my kids that she would have adopted them, but the mean old state decided not to let her.

The state has access to biomom's history and it states that biograndma put biomom into foster care because birthmom was "out of control." The files include allegations of abuse against step-biograndpa, who is still in the home. BGM constantly runs down birthmom on the phone with both me and the kids. My RADishes already Mommy shop so having BGM saying she wanted them does not help. She is being supportive of the adoption though. Kitty plans to move in with BGM when she graduates high school.

birthmom also has my e-mail and we did allow a visit a few months ago (first in the 4 years since the kids were dumped in foster care). This was done in the presence of the kid's therapists and birthmom was informed it was for closure - she did comply!

I've been happy to have the kids' baby pictures and a little more on the mental health history of the family. The meeting led to a lot of info about the kids' past and behavior for the first 9-11 years of their lives. I was informed that it wasn't all true, but the same could be said of the stuff the kids tell me too.