[Prettyboicris]

How did you all figure out which special needs issue you were and werent able to deal with?
Did you have a set list prior to placements or did you go based on the individual case of the child?

My wife and I said no medical stuff eventhough we both work in medical facilities. After reading stuff on this site I think we would be able to deal with more medical stuff than we originally thought but we are also worried that we would take on too much.

I'm interested in your experiences. What special needs have you decided that you can and can't deal with? Was this decided before a child was placed or after you had a placement?

[lovemy6]

I said no RAD or FAS after fostering kids with both dx's and knowing I never would want to deal with those issues for long term. Of course that's what I DID end up with. So much for truth in advertising

[devildogwife]

We didn't adopt through foster care, but ended up adopting a baby boy with congenital heart disease (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome). He has had 4 open heart surgeries and is currently tube fed. We also had a foster daughter with a trach. We hope to adopt another heart baby in the future and are very comfortable with medically fragile kids that are tube fed. We feel much less equipped to deal with severe emotional issues.

[Lylac]

Yep us too on the medical. We didn't set out to adopt any kids. Lyla was kinda a surprise. She was placed with us because nobody else would take her. Nobody had any experience wih SBS.Ha! neither did we. We became certified "after" she was placed.

So our first kinda set the pace for our other 3 adoptions. We are comfortable with medically fragile and physical/dev delays. From mild to severe, from tube feeding to suctioning to ANYTHING that comes up with one of our kids.

We can not deal with RAD or any type of SA or sexually acting out. Simply for the safty of our other kids. I'll take medical over emotional any day...and there are parents here that feel completely opposite....and I bow down to them!

[Barksum]

We said no SA, no FAS/FAE, no RAD, no high medical needs but were willing to consider moderate medical on a case by case basis.

We have 4 kids who were prenatally exposed, two or three with probable FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder), and two with mild attachment issues.

We ended up dealing with issues that we hadn't anticipated. I think the majority of parents who adopt from foster care do.

We didn't get diagnoses for our first adopted child until after the adoption was final, but had an idea that all was not right with the world a few months into the placement. We still opted to go forward because we knew the child so the issues were no longer happening to a theoretical child in a theoretical family, but very present and concrete in OUR family. Sometimes seeing the issues on a daily basis in your own home gives a better feel for what you can/can't handle.

The training classes we took to get our homestudy and foster license really didn't help much, either because we didn't see what they were saying, or they were saying things that didn't really cover the issues we encountered. I do remember, though, asking for some concrete examples and ways to deal with attachment disorder and being told that, "You are the expert regarding the child in your home. You'll know what to do as you encounter things." Huh? So...am I the only dud parent out there who had NO clue what to do when the kid would rage for a couple of hours because some other kid hugged him?

[arkansas parent]

We are/were willing to accept mild to moderate medical,emotional and developmental needs. We will not accept a child with RAD , FAS or who has ever acted out sexually. I was uncomfortable checking the box saying we are willing to accept a child who had been SA but during our PRIDE classes we were warned that some children may have been SA and no one knows. Unfortunaly that is what happen with T. Thankfully he has not acted out and I feel he never will. ( sadly I will ALWAYS be on guard)

[crick]

We were fine with "mild" special needs. Basically anything where the child would grow up and be able to function as an adult without or with very minimal help from us. Anything where with help either medical or emotional, could be "managed". (My definition of managing differs from so many on here though, so it's really about what you feel you can handle)

We said no to SA but knew it would still be a possibility since one just doesn't know all the facts at the time.

We also said no more than 2 children and fell in love with a sibling group of 4.

[momraine]

We adopted from overseas so it's a little different. Dh's requirement was that the kid was healthy enough to one day live on thier own. A missionary told us about a kid missing a foot, and so we researched it to see if we could handle it. (we had a two story house and had no idea if he would be able to do stairs) Well, that fell through and adoptions were actually suppposed to be closed in the region we went to, but they invited me to come and choose a child. I was given a list of nine special needs kids. Because I had researched the limb differences I asked to see those kids first. I knew I could not handle seeing lots of kids, so the first batch of three they gave me, I knew I would choose one. Anyway, long story short, we chose my daughter. Then later when we decided to adopt again, we had met through my daughter lots of limb different kids so we felt comfortable with that. However, we did say no FAS and No RAD. We got limb differences all right, he is completely missing three limbs, but we also got RAD. However, he is slowly healing and we are hanging in there even thinking about doing it again.

[aMarylandfamily]

Knowing what you can and cannot handle is the hardest thing to decipher ... we took a piece of paper and pen and sat at the table and started with the easy ones (often your training will give you a sample listing of the special needs) - i.e. wheelchair (if your bedrooms are upstairs that's an automatic rule out) - to the more serious ones and then made a third column and questioned our other kids (even though they wouldn't have final decision) and ruled things in and things out - i.e., special needs can just mean sibling group to the more serious mental health diagnoses. Like many have noted here we did end up with a couple 'onset' diagnosis we had ruled out but at that point you become advocates for services and will surprise even yourself.

Now that I continued on my "wordy" reputation - this board has posters with every facet of special needs going and without breaking any confidentiality rules you are welcome to come here and say "we reviewed a profile which says" and most of us will give you our thoughts and opinions (hoping in between we will learn more about you) and certain red flags (one far out example - if an ADHD child were on Lithium you can more than likely conclude he has been diagnosed with bi-polar tendencies or the full disorder - which is workable - just as long as you know what you are walking into and have the ability to reach for professional assistance that benefits more than words can express) can be tamed down if you ask the right questions to determine you ability to meet those needs but the first time around it can be so overwhelming ...

So we look forward to hearing more from your end and hoping you stick around and join this group - they are great support, great caring and most of all great in the honesty - and if you get an answer you don't like then it is your choice to ignore or address - just know no-one is judging or presuming - just sharing to help!

Hope this helps ...

[adoptionblessin]

Well My first son was 9 when I adopted him, he was considered unadoptable by age and his mental illness-he is rad, ptsd and bp. I would not want to adopt again a child with severe mental illness. My daughter was adopted at birth, tested positive for numerous substance. She was on 6 machines till she was 3. Itwas a rough road with her-she is diagnosed with mild cp, asthma, epilipsy and FAS, reflux and other. She has come along way, most people cant believe she has so much going on. She still has a apnea machine and pulse ox and a neb. But is doing great. I would adopt a medically fargile child again.

[aspenhall]

You read about each and every disorder, and research DEEPLY. Then you talk or read posts from people parenting kids with those issues, and listen to their complaints and see if think you could handle it.....then you mark no on all the ones you feel you absolutely cannot handle.....

....then you get a child and realize after awhile, that you ARE handling precisely what you thought you couldn't do.

Sometimes you need meds, sometimes the child does, and more than liekly you end up asking those initial parents for advice when you realize you are all in teh same boat.

What REALLY REALLY MATTERS......beyond anything else, is that the child themselves WANT to get better.

When the child doesn't care to heal (emotional issues), it doesn't matter what you thought you could deal with.....it will be hell eventually.

Also, look at the level and duration of care you're willing to provide. Will the child be able to live independantly? are you ok if he can't?

[Prettyboicris]

Originally Posted by aMarylandfamily

Knowing what you can and cannot handle is the hardest thing to decipher ... we took a piece of paper and pen and sat at the table and started with the easy ones (often your training will give you a sample listing of the special needs) - i.e. wheelchair (if your bedrooms are upstairs that's an automatic rule out) - to the more serious ones and then made a third column and questioned our other kids (even though they wouldn't have final decision) and ruled things in and things out - i.e., special needs can just mean sibling group to the more serious mental health diagnoses. Like many have noted here we did end up with a couple 'onset' diagnosis we had ruled out but at that point you become advocates for services and will surprise even yourself.

Thanks for this tip I am the kind of guy that is a "list maker" so this kind of thing would actually help me. During our classes they only mentioned some special needs. There are things that are considered "special needs" that I never would have considered a special need though once hearing/ seeing it listed I can understand why it is. Things such as ADHD and Asthma are so common in my city that it seems more common so I wouldnt associate it as a special need but I definitely understand why it is.

Does anyone have a link to a website where I can find a more comprehensive list of special needs?

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by Prettyboicris

How did you all figure out which special needs issue you were and werent able to deal with?
Did you have a set list prior to placements or did you go based on the individual case of the child?

What special needs have you decided that you can and can't deal with? Was this decided before a child was placed or after you had a placement?

We adopted from Russia twice...both times we requested as young and healthy as possible.

DD was 10 months at adoption and is now 7.5 year s old. She was, unknown to us, dying of a severe kidney/bladder issue at adoption. She surviced surgery at 13 months old and is now in second grade with some moderate, but medicated ADHD. She is alos gifted and healthy as a horse...and challenges us EVERY.Single.Day!!!

DS was 10 months at adoption and is our surprise special needs child...he has nystagmus, significant developmental delays, severe speech issues, etc. He is now 5 and in Kindy for the first time. On Friday we discovered we are in all likelyhood also dealing with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthrits as well. He is our challenge but also the light of our lives. God decided for us that we would be great SN parents...and much to our surprise...we are!

While we never would have chosen this path...we would at this point never change a thing!

[Kelly Rae]

You have asked a great question, and it shows your willingness to become educated. This will serve you well when your child is placed because a lot of children especially baby's and toddlers wont necessarily be manifesting all that might be wrong until they are 3 or older. A lot of children of all ages wont have shared all they have been through (SA) until they are safe in your home, and RAD kids can be very charming and seem positively peachy until they are in their permanent family.

I think many people here would say they are parenting children they would have said no to had they know all of their issues.

My 5 yo was multi drug/ alcohol exposed and has epilepsy, mild CP, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, sensory integration disfunction, and PDD NOS. This looks so bad when I see it in print, but he has brought me more joy, laughter, amazement, even as I type this I smile and my heart hurts with love for him. He is an out of the box thinker and marches to the beat of a different drummer and I would take him arms flapping, body twirling, water loving, grounding noises and all. Boy I'm glad we didn't know he had all of these issues or I wouldn't have my sweet boy today.

[Barksum]

I don't know of a list, so am waiting to see if anyone else has a wonderful web site that lists them! LOL

For most issues we had to indicate whether we would be willing to have a child with mild, moderate or severe issues in that area. I think the major areas we had to consider were drug exposure, sexual abuse, attachment problems, medical issues, and behaviors. Under each category there were examples given. Drug exposure: what drugs, and to what extent? Mild exposure through to addiction. Alcohol was kind of on a line by itself, and the questions were regarding actual diagnoses of FAS and FAE. It wasn't so much a laundry list of special needs as a general guideline of the extent of issues you believed you could cope with.

(And just as an FYI, FAS and FAE are not levels of impairment, but just a way of identification. FAS has the facial features and physical markers, while a kid with FAE can have no outward physical signs. FAS can be mild brain impairment, and FAE can be severe brain impairment, or vice verse. I think that was a trick question they slipped in to see if we knew what we were doing when we answered the questions.)