[sunshinemommy]

So, I thought everyone was joking when they said anniversaries were tough....hmm...guess not.

I feel like I'm swimming in the deep end with sharks and no ladder out these days..

I'm so worried about my oldest. She's always been a raving perfectionist. Now, it's worse...her teacher mentor called me to discuss some concerns about missing work. Now, I know she did the work, it's saved on the computer and I read it. But she didn't hand it in! When I asked her about it, she had a total meltdown, crying and screaming at me...telling me that is wasn't her best work and she couldn't hand it in because it was horrible lousy work and she would fail. We went the next day to hand in the papers to her teachers and she almost had an anxiety attack at school. I walked her around the school and sat on a bench held on to her. She's having nightmares and is barely sleeping; which is making her oh so fun to live with. Her mentor said he has also noticed behavioural changes in her as well. She's quiet (very unusual) and more reserved lately around other people and she seems nervous all the time. She asks me about the two little boys that we fostered alot and also about her younger step sister. She also is hoovering around her sisters and trying to "help" them all the time. Her sisters aren't as appreciative as they used to be, especially since we have worked really hard to make them more independant. So this is causing tantrum after tantrum and screaming fights around here. Her doctor has suggested medication to ease her anxiety..but she says she won't take them, because drugs are for sick people or addicts and she's not sick and she won't be an addict...

I've dropped my courses down to 2 (I keep dreaming of a graduation day), since we couldn't afford to keep our dream housekeeper. Hubby has barely been working all winter and now he's getting back to work full time again. Theoretically he's been supposed to helping with the household chores, but I got tired of leaving a list of three-four things to get done in a day....it has gotten slightly better since I stopped doing his laundry and cooking supper for him (that threw him for a loop).

I think I'm tired and frustrated and stressed..I'm writing papers (anyone wanna make a 20 mins presentation on siberia in quaternary for me?) and trying to study for finals..

I need a vacation....with cowboys that do laundry..mix drinks and rub feet...

[momraine]

No answers for you, just hugs and prayers. Is your oldest in counseling, maybe that would help.

[sunshinemommy]

Oh yes, she is in counselling. The therapist has suggested that it is anniversary related anxiety, and that she is starting to reveal more abuse and more details...I'm just worried for her

[kretzklan]

I'm afraid you may be describing my DD's future - she is so controlling and perfectionist...although she can't see the forest for the trees. I'm sorry you and your DD are suffering and that she's bringing it home to all the rest. If meds would help (have you talked to a psych?) then I would push the subject. While she's under your roof she will have to take them...maybe she'll see that they help her enough that she'll be more willing to interact in that part of her therapy?

[lucyjoy]

The vacation plan sounds lovely! Let's go now.

Sorry, no answers for dealing with the anniversary stress, it's just a matter of living through it.

[aspenhall]

Can you make her aware of what it is? She knows she's stressed, but if you verbalize it it takes the fear away...

My dd was terrified of bringing anything up in case I responded with "YOU'RE RIGHT, it has been a year since you came....it's been a rough year you should find a new family...."

Or like all adoptions happen at the same time of the year....she may refuse to tell you whats wrong for fear of your reply.....You'll need to say..."I think I know what's going on here. You're feeling insecure, because this was the time of year when everything was changing and you're worried it will change again. AM I RIGHT? I want you to tell me if I ever lie to you? No? Ok, then TRUST ME when I tell you, you have nothing to worry about......" Right about here is where you give her coping tools like words to say when she feels this way, and a guaranteed response from you...like she comes to you and says, I'm feeling insecure and your response is to go spend one on one time with her reading or art or whatever.

[Lorraine123]

The good news - I found a cowboy that does laundry, rubs feet and mixes drinks.
The bad news - I'm keeping him for myself

[skirbo]

Hugs and prayers lady. I like the idea of talking to her about it. In many ways she has always seemed to me to be extra bright and mature given all that she has been through. Sounds like if she could put a name to what was bothering her, it would help.

Sarah

[Dickons]

Sunshinemommy,

As an adoptee who is also a perfectionist and control freak...Aspenhall has given you incredible advice.

Also from what I understand you fostered kids who are not with you...which to a very scared kid means she could be next...reality does not factor in when you are a child...plus the timing of the anniversary...

Tell her you will love her regardless if she gets and A or an F...because love is love and does not go away.

Kind regards,
Dickons