[b1thompson]

I need advice big time. I have two bio sons 9 and 5. We have taken in an 8 year old sexually abused girl (2 different adults abused her for years)... she is our foster daughter, but we plan to adopt her. Her social worker and adoption worker are very sure that we can make it work. It sounded like something we could handle... but now that she has been here for 2 months, and she is comfortable with us... she is starting to cause major drama and chaos for the whole family. In addition to the drama and outbursts... She also "accidentally" kissed my 5 year old son on the lips in front of me. They are not allowed in any room alone together and we have rules about "no making forts" etc... because she would make forts in her room and invite the younger son in to play "teenagers"... I don't know what that meant... but I just decided that forts should be off limits. She has also made a few comments in front of the boys like..."I know where babies come from..." I had a talk with her and she has not done that again.
Also, I have voiced my concerns to DCS and they tell me that she'll be okay with additional counseling. My 9 year old son has asked not to be left alone with her as he is uncomfortable around her. I'm feeling so torn and in a state of panic most of the time now. Am I just being paranoid? Should I worry that she may act out while we are asleep or when my back is turned. The case worker said that I shouldn't prejudge her since they don't have any history of her acting out.

[qs mom]

I want to preface with, I don't have first hand experiece with this. But 2 things - you need door alarms and you need line of sight supervision at all times.

[kretzklan]

I would be worried - I think the SW is being too "ok" about it all...and that happens because they want to place her. When we were looking into fost/adopt we found that most sexually abused kiddos needed to be only children or at the very least - youngest kiddo. Door alarms for sure and line of sight for sure. Make sure your boys know what you deem appropriate as far as touch and language - they must be coming to you at any time. If your 9 yo feels uncomfortable around her, will this be ok forever? My kids don't act out sexually - but my DD has a bit of infatuation with DS2. There has never been touching - but we still work hard to keep them seperated or with us when together...it's dying down now because he's had enough and tells her so.

[mommytoEli]

it is completely possible. we know a little girl who was adopted at 5, and i think she was 10 when she got caught acting out on her little brother who was mentally challenged. turns out it had been going on for quite some time...she now resides in a residential facility...it was very sad for everyone.

[aspenhall]

This is a very big deal, that may never fully go away. Get alarms and cameras NOW.

[lucyjoy]

Shame on that idiotic social worker. Two months and your sons afraid to be alone with her? Yes you should be highly alarmed by this. If it were me, it would be time for this girl to go. In the very least, you need alarms on all the bedrooms and cameras in all play areas.

YES, girls act out. I would NOT put my sons in this position.

[b1thompson]

Thanks so much for the advice... You guys are all saying what my gut instincts are telling me, to disrupt the adoption plans...but when I talk to DCS, they always steer me back to family therapy.

It is really sad because she is so sweet alot of the time and would be a great addition to a family with no other kids. (straight A's and E's in conduct) She saves it all for home. Most of her outbursts occur over jealousy and I can see how that would be eliminated with no other kids around. I cannot live in a house with cameras and that kind of worry. I want to tell DCS that we cannot do this, but I don't know how to say it after we have promised this girl that we will be her forever home and she calls us mom and dad. I feel like a horrible person for even considering disruption and at the same time, I feel like a horrible mom for ever bringing this on my bio children. There is no hard evidence that she has or will act out, so I feel like I should be giving her a chance. And I also feel like I don't want to gamble in light of her recent behavior. This is a lose lose situation.

If I did call DCS and tell them that we cannot continue... would they move her right away?? They are 5 hours away from us.

[SAHmom]

b1thompson, My daughter, now 16, was sexually abused. She has never acted out.

My other daughter, 5, must be kept in direct line of supervision. She also has a door alarm. Our situation is different as she has been a part of our family through adoption for over a year now. Personally, it can be overwelming to be on alert 24/7. It is worse when they are at school. It is hard for the school staff to take seriously the need for direct supervision.

Please don't feel obligated! You need to do what is right for your family and *if* it is finding a better match for this child, then that is what you need to do.

My prayers go out to you and your family!

[mrsred]

DCS wants her placed - they are trying to make light of something that can have very, very serious cnsequences. Line of sight supervision is easier said than done. Almost four years ago we got placement of a 7 year old foster daughter whom we planned to adopt. It was only after she moved in with us and I had noticed some red flags that we realized she had indeed been sexually abused. At the time our oldest was only nine, and our youngest, who we hadn't finalized yet was not even six. I asked them to find a new home, because I knew there was no way I could be watching every minute and I would never forgive myself if anything were to happen to make my boys lose thier innocence.
Whether or not they move her immediately will be up to you. We volunteered to keep her till they could find a permanent placement. Luckily that was less than a month. She was adopted by that family - a couple with no other children at home (it was a 2nd marriage for him and he had grown children). It was the best thing for everyone concerned. Allowing a child that is sexually acting out to stay in a situation where she has opportunity doesn't help her. Everytime she acts out she is further away from healing.
Having her moved will not be easy. We have had two placements that we have had to ask to be moved. It breaks your heart, but sometimes it is all you can do. If DCS would be more honest about what we would be dealing with this wouldn't happen so often. If you need to talk to someone that has been there, done that and can lend sympathetic ear, feel free to PM me.
My prayers are with you.

[CRAZY_WOMAN]

I was sexually abused as a child and acted out until I understud it was wrong.Have you talk to her and told her it's wrong to for kids to have sex.Take her to a therapist and talk to her therapist about it.I would diffently get alarms for the bedroom doors and keep a close eye on here around the boys.I would also try to keep her busy.

[Ians mom]

She also "accidentally" kissed my 5 year old son on the lips in front of me.

she would make forts in her room and invite the younger son in to play "teenagers"...

She has also made a few comments in front of the boys like..."I know where babies come from..."


I am not trying to be mean, but she is already acting out. If your sons are not comfortable around her and your "mom instincts" are telling you this isnt right you shoud seriously consider disrupting. It will be one of the hardest decisions you will ever make. You will second guess yourself and worry about whether or not it was the right thing to do. BUT you have to look out for your sons first and foremost, in my opinion.

Our dd came to us at 4 yrs old. She loved to play house and build forts. She was always wanting to hug and kiss other kids. To meet her you would think she was the most adorable, perfect little girl in the world...because that is what she wants you to think. We have been in therapy for 5 years trying to help her through what was done to her. She has acted out with other kids sexually, she has made false allegations against her older brother when she was mad at him, she does know how to manipulate and intimidate other children into doing what she wants and not telling which led to line of sight supervision for a LONG time and that is so much harder than it sounds (she is STILL not allowed to have anyone in her room unsupervised, just cant take the risk with another child)

Thankfully, with years of therapy we are seeing real progress, at least I hope it is real progress... I love my daughter with all that I am and I really believe she is going to be alright in the end...but if I knew then what I know now would we make the choice to adopt her??? Honestly, I dont know.

I am not saying dont adopt this little girl, but I am saying keep your eyes open. Get her into therapy and talk to her therapist. Know what you, and your family, are getting into. These kids can be helped and they can be loving, happy kids but it takes a lot of time and energy. Being in a home where she is the only child might be a better fit for her.

[greenmama]

IMO she's already acting out. Is she getting counseling?

[b1thompson]

We are in family therapy, but I don't know that therapy is enough for me to feel at ease for my boys... looking back at my posts and seeing it in print makes it all so clear as to what we need to do... we've sent an email to the social worker and just waiting on her to contact us on Monday. I told them that we'd like her moved asap because the longer she stays, the more attached we all get. She is easy to love and its hard to believe that she has the potential to act out. But, the fact remains that she will be better off in a home with no other children.

[kay]

My opinion, for what it's worth, is if your older son already is asking not to be around her - there's already more going on than you know about. Very very sad for her, but as someone else pointed out, the more she gets away with, the sicker she will get. I'm so sorry you're having to live with this. So sad (criminally sad, if there were such a thing!) that social workers either are so clueless that they don't see what's happening, or that they see but just want her placed.

[Kelly Rae]

The sw will more then likely try to talk you into keeping her. Be prepared to stick to your guns, we have been through this with a sib set and the acting out got worse the more vigilant we were. It was hell. Have her moved asap she can't heal in your home and your boys are at great risk.