[sassafras]

The therapist said DD has to start accepting consquences for her actions! So gently remind her about her missing assignments but don't hound her. Let her get the bad grades. She knows the house rules about if anything drops below a C you are grounded.

She got mad the other night and beat her bed against the wall half the night and kept everyone awake. The bed is gone. The mattress is on the floor. She actually likes it better that way so it all worked out LOL!

I am so to be empathetic but non reactive. LOL for the most reactive person in the world!

So she got into it with her cheer coach and refused to stand for the national anthem at a b-ball game. Told the cheer coach to shut up. So she is grounded for 2 weeks and has to write the cheer coach and the school where she refused to stand a letter of apology.

Well she took it our on the coaches daughter (cheer coach happens to be my boss lovely) and called her a skank among other things. This girl is the queen bee at school and I told her that was a bad choice and she would pay for it.

Well the paying started today. She exagerates but supposedly she was teased all day at school by all the girls, they tried to trip her, called her names, talked loudly about her, glared at her etc. I told her I was very sorry that she was going through this but unfortunately these were the consequences of her actions. I suggested she talk to the school counselor about WHAT was going on.

I feel bad for her but I KNEW this would happen. Of course when I told her that she didn't care but yeah she cares now!

[lucyjoy]

These are the consequences for her actions and she's lucky she's your child and not mine cause refusing to stand for the national athem would have cost her her cheerleading spot in my house.

Keep being empathetic but the less you say the more she has to accept the consequence.

[sassafras]

Isn't it convenient this was the last game of the year. Her father who is an Iraqi vet went ballistic when she told him it's just a song.

I told her she had every right to feel that way but cheerleaders stand for the anthem and if you don't want to then don't cheer!

[lucyjoy]

No, I mean cheerleading would be done for good. There are some things I don't flex on and refusing to stand for the national athem is on that list.

[aMarylandfamily]

Your daughter seems to be searching for your attention and, like myself, you find yourself inclined to speak about the behaviors she is exhibiting. I had the hardest times learning not to react or suggest or even indicate what I thought our ds's actions would bring about but have gotten better at it. The more "thoughts" you have the more she will "perform" to get those thoughts voiced and thus your participation when you need to completely separate yourself ... things like the situation with the girls at school - basic thought "sorry your choices brought this about" and leave it at that ... and if the behavior is happening away from you then that his where they need to be consequenced - i.e., not standing for the anthem should be handled via school and/or coach vs. it being a grounding at home - that way she is not manipulating home vs. school and vice versa - and the grounding for poor grades is ok - that is effectively not doing the required assignments - many of which are at home - but otherwise home behaviors = home consequences and school behaviors are to be handled via school - yes, much easier said than done at times but so important - that way she takes ownership of her situations - choices, consequences, etc.!

Hang in there - unfortunately you are just starting - with each day you will find this phase of parenting to be harder in some ways but also find you are handling it stronger (hoping that makes sense).

Keep posting - you are definitely not alone and have all our support behind you to keep you strong when you need it most!

[kretzklan]

It does suck - and apparently you and I could have a run-off for the most reactive person in the world! I'm bad at it most days!

[dadfor2]

i love natural consequences....

[aspenhall]

Me too!

I struggle so hard not to react and to actually feel empathy....but I am good at faking it.

Start answering all her comments with questions...like "hmm...what are you gonna do about that?", or "So what is your plan now?", or "How is that (xyz situation) working out for you?"

My favorite response to my dd's whining and complaints about consequences to her actions is..."Yeah, that's terrible, personally I wouldn't have picked that"...or even a simple "wow, sucks to be you"...