[sassafras]

Therapist today asked me if I had ANY patience for her. I don't. Some days I do, some days I don't. He says it seems like I don't and he doesn't know how to get me to that point. I am not supposed to say anything negative to her. That is not helping her heal. I am supposed to leave her alone about the grades, let her fail. It doesn't go on her transcript so let her fail and hold her accountable. She won't get to cheer or do track. Find. I'll leave her be. I am to the point I won't say anything if I don't say negative I doubt I will be saying anything at all!

[lucyjoy]

I agree you should let school be, however, if you have no patience for her, it's likely because she is constantly draining you. The therapist is missing that point. I imagine, from your lastest posts that just breathing the same air as her is a strain. I know exactly how that feels.

If I were you, I'd take the therapists advice. In fact, I think you should forget making dinner, take a nice long bath, read some novels and relax.

Then, regroup and decide what you think is needed and what you think are your daughters units of concern and how you want to handle her.

Have you read Katherine Leslies books? She has a coaching parenting method that I think is really good for both the parent and the child. It might be worth taking a look at. Her books are Coming to terms with Attachment(I think) and When a Stranger Calls you Mom. You can likely google her website as well.

Take a break and do for you. Repeat to yourself-she will move out someday, she will move out someday....

[skirbo]

Just hugs. That's all.

Sarah

[aspenhall]

I agree to let her fail...some kids just are incapable of learning from a warning.

And her behaviors will persist as long as she thinks it bothers you.

[kretzklan]

If it helps any - I'm with you. Lucy - that's it exactly, breathing even the same air is hard sometimes. It's tough to let them fail - for me it's somewhat embarrassment...how many people will think it's my fault?
I'm sending thoughts your way - whichever ones I can scrape together tonight!

[Barksum]

(((hugs)))

[aMarylandfamily]

... in my earlier years did I ever think I could think "I hate you" with regard to one of our children and yet you do feel that for each of them at some point as they just aren't listening - sometimes the feeling goes to the extreme and then you have to regroup as Lucy wrote and tackle the storm from a tolerable standpoint for you (hoping that makes sense). And ... yes, it is hard to let them "fail" at school and life (no cheer, no track, no privileges) and those consquences may be down the road but they must be their choices so you are not their lifelong blame (again - hoping that makes sense) - yes, much easier said than done - especially when they are standing in front of you screaming and slamming doors and more. Our ds, the infant placement, has been our hardest in some points - getting his GED vs. diploma and college was a blessing in some ways as I no longer have to apologize for his behaviors or that I couldn't get him to strive for different (notice I didn't say more - I said different). He is soon to enter the adult part of life (age 18 and moving out) and will have challenges beyond the normal and we will support him - emotionally - but will also let him walk the journey. Take one day for itself - tackle its storm without anger or hurt - natural and logical - your grades are F's - you are grounded - you didn't pass you don't cheer and so on and continue with your life - again, harder done than said but you will see that with some of your return to life she will take over her part (not alot but some).

Hoping it helps knowing you are not alone - you are not - many of us are at the phase you are and have been for years with good times in between and then return to the ick! We care, we understand, we know more than anything what you are going through and hope we can help you through it - many posters have helped me just being here to write with and to.

Take care and keep posting

[Monster]

Im sorry this must be hard on you, im young so i cant say i understand but i will say i was that girl. Ignore her i mean not silent treatment no matter how hard it is pretend for a bit it dose not bother you and act as if you dont care, like when she says i faild math you say oh thats to bad so how was the rest of your day. Maybe it will get her to think or fight for attention by doing better. Just my opinion not saying it will work just and idea.
Good luck hugs

[Lorraine123]

I have been at that point. And I quit doing everything that I could. Quit helping with school, slapped some food on a plate, didn't remind her to shower, didn't do her laundry. I didn't even do it as a consequence for her, I did it because it was the only way I could continue. I did eventually get it back together (took a while), and life went on. But its ok to be done. We cannot have more invested in their lives than they do. Let her fail. Best she learn these lessons now.

[sassafras]

Thank you everyone. I laugh when her therapists says I need therapy! You guys are the best therapy I could have. It is so isolating. Other parents look at you like you are crazy because they can't imagine dealing with a child like this! They think you are blowing things out of proportion. I thank god every day I found this site, especially when things are as bad as they have been lately. You guys do not know what your support means.

I am telling myself yes it's embarassing to me to let them fail but at least it's 7th grade and isn't on her transcript yet. Yeesh,, it's hard. She thinks I don't love her well if I didn't love her it wouldn't be this hard!@

[Lorraine123]

Leca - My daughter told me today (after I wouldn't answer a math question that she already knew the answer to) that "Good moms always help their kids." I said "No, good moms teach their kids to help themselves." And I believe that.

Of course, that made her mad and she threw a part to the vacuum across the room (but thats for another thread).