[Kansas Girl]

well, we had some better behavior for awhile and I thought we were back on track. The past couple of weeks it's been here we go again. Wednesday night he didn't come home, and he has just been (Kay described it so well in her last post!) nastier than nasty. He is soooo full of rage, the screaming (towards me) has been horrible. [btw, still refuses to go to therapy or have a reasonable conversation about what is going on.]

DH has just checked out of parenting. Wants nothing to do with R. The only "support" I get from him is that he wants R gone. I keep telling him that going down that road (even legally) could get us charged with abandonment.....and I could kiss doing any kind of work with kids goodbye.

Just what to doublecheck here. I don't think this "rule" has changed since my childhood.....since R is not 18 yet, I don't think he should be staying out all night without parental permission, at the very, very least he needs to be telling us where he is going to be, and we, as parents, still have the right to say no. What bothers me the most is he thinks that he can do as he pleases and that he doesn't have to listen to us ("authority") anymore. He thinks he can treat us like dirt and we're still supposed to treat him like a prince and do everything for him. He refuses to put forth the effort to get a job - wants it handed to him like everything else.

I don't know if this is the state or the county, but we can file what's called a "runaway petition" or "unruly child" petition. Basically, the juvenile court then I guess sets up a plan/guidelines/whatever (we still have to find out more) for the child. Anyone have any experience with anything like this?

Also, yesterday my boss suggested Job Corps. I looked it up - R would probably do fine with this.....no pressure to be a part of a family, plenty of structure. The hardest part would be getting him to stick with it and to able able to see a goal at the end of it...i.e. being ready for the army, or learning a trade to be able to get a job. Anyone have any experience with Job Corps?

Fran

[ajjhmf]

I know in some are you can have your child declared a child in need of services (CHINS). I don't know what's involved in this, but you might try calling your local police department and find out.

[skirbo]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Was there just something in the water this year for these teens??

I was trying to talk mine in to Job Corps because it has to be voluntary. There might be a Sheriff's Boys Ranch or something like that in your area.

Hugs,
Sarah

[kretzklan]

I don't have any really firm advice, but wanted to say I'm sorry you're dealing with more of this now. I do think that some states have differing ages for when it can be called "abondonment" by the state.

[lovemy6]

In my state, you can go to your county clerk's office and file for a CHINS petition. You fill out the forms, explaining why your child is in need of services. You will have a court hearing before a judge and the judge will order services, plus a probation type of program for your son. He basically will have to check in every week with a CHINS officer and follow the program...which means going to school every day all day, follow the rules of the CHINS (which contains whatever your home rules are), and comply with therapy.

IF child chooses not to obey the rules of his CHIN, you simply call up the CHINS officer and let them know, they will do the rest. The rest may include putting your son in juvie until another court hearing or putting him in an out of home facility until the hearing. It can scare the begebers out of some kids, enough that the kid wants to comply with the house rules. Other kids are just so obstinant they end up in juvie anyway.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) parenting teens is probably the hardest job you'll ever have!

[crick]

((HUGS)) - I'm sorry things are so stressful for you right now and hope you get some answers and help!

[aMarylandfamily]

Sent you a PM - I and we have been in similar shoes of both yourself and your dh - take one day at a time and know we care, understand and are here to support you through all the steps of whatever direction the days lead you!

[jessnboys]

I'm sorry. Job Corps helped my cousin get on the right path, although it took a year +. My sister joined AmeriCorps (I think that's the name). They gave her $ for college as well as job training.

[Again!]

Job Corps is an awesome deal. They pay them, they can get a HS diploma in less than a year and skills training in anything they choose. My son qualified just because he had a medicaid card, though there is an income requirement normally. Unfortunately he choose not to follow the rules there either and got kicked out.

They also have folks with a sense of humor as he came home with a Tshirt that had "Needs Improvement in Skills" on the back in big letters. Apparently that is what they wear when they are in detention :>

[kay]

Fran, I'm so sorry. I started to say I have no words of advice, but then found I have lots of thoughts; don't know if they'll be helpful or not. I really really really like Job Corps - but the rub is that it has to be voluntary. At this stage, I'd say you really have to protect yourself, and that means, unfortunately, you cannot stop parenting him. I have no idea about your laws, but here I've been advised to call on him, every time. He's not home and you don't know where he is? File a report. The cops can't (probably won't!) do anything, but you're doing your part. Is he still going to school? That's what ends up getting C in trouble - he's never caught out after curfew, but the school will report if he's not there. If, while he's screaming and nasty, you at any time feel threatened, call the cops. Document, document, document. How long until he's 18?

I've been thinking about this whole turning 18 thing. Our kids have no reference point for changing yet continuing a relationship. So where "normal" kids (yeah, I know, that's why it's in quotes!) chafe to get away and may be angry and impossible, underlying all the angst is the deep down knowledge that they belong, and that they'll always be part of this family. Whereas our kids have only known change by abandonment. Somebody gets angry and leaves. The cops come and somebody leaves. A call is made and the kids leave. That's all they know, and I'm wondering if, thinking way back to Adoption 1A, they aren't reverting to the "comfort" of what they know. "I don't need you, I'm outta here!" not realizing, still, that family is forever, good times and bad, and you don't have to break it off completely in order to grow into your own person. I'm still trying to teach C that, and it sounds like, in spite of everything, you haven't totally given up yet on R.

Praying and sending hugs for you all. Keep venting!!!!

[lucyjoy]

Job corps is a good program but the person has to want to go. They teach a trade, help with job placement and help them get started out on their own or into the military. M went but only lasted 2 months. He liked it and is considering going back now as he is eligible again. He lasted 2 months cause he couldn't control his mouth.

Know any police officers? I got my best info from the police(unfortunately, so did my children). In Mo, a child can leave home at 17 and I can have a violent child removed and told not to come back. Under 17, if they left I could report them as a runaway-a report was written that covered my back-but they don't really look for runaways unless someone suspects danger. Our city had a curfew and if I child had not returned by curfew, I could report them out past city curfew and that would get them picked up if they were not in someone's house.
Bottom line, I covered MY responsibility.

Now, if a teen is yelling in my face, I dial 911. Non compliant with rules, things like the tv, phone, video games disappear. I don't drive anywhere, cook, buy clothes-NOTHING. I do let them know if they don't like the rules here, then they should get a job and a plan for when they hit 18.

And, I agree with Kay. Our kids do not know how to change a relationship without the abandonment. They often create caos and either force us to toss them or they walk away with no warning. They don't realize that they can choose to leave home and still have a relationship with their family. Some figure it out once they are away for a bit.

Fran-this part of parenting is just so hard.

[Rainbow mom]

We have a son who is 18 and RAD. It was horrible to live with someone who rages, I so get it. I can only tell you what we did wrong with him. We did not have documented proof of DS's issues when I tried to get him into an RTC. We had never called the police when he got crazy or tried stabbing me. So when we finally did go for services they would not help us.

He finally assaulted our 8 year old and we had him arrested. He is now in a RTC.

National Guard also has the Youth Challenge program in some states.

Please try and find some time for your emotional recovery, it is so hard living in a war zone.