[wordsmither]

A friend just reported to us that our son L "flashed" his son (both front and back). Fortunately, said friend is dealing with this very appropriately.

Still, I'm just sick. L has been doing so well. There had been unconfirmed reports of him sexually acting out on younger kids prior to his placement with us, but those reports came from unreliable sources, and we've seen no sign of this in the year he's been with us. Although looking back, now I wonder...

He's only 7. I hate thinking about what may have happened in his early life to let him think this was acceptable behavior.

And we have no idea what to do next. Clearly, we can't allow him to play with other kids unless we're in the room. But how can we help him get past this? Can we? Is therapy helpful (I have a hard time believing 7 year olds can really benefit from talk therapy, but am happy to be proven wrong)?

L really has the kindest heart - he's the first to compliment you, apologize, help you when he sees you need it - truly a sweet sweet boy. I want to do whatever I can to make sure his sweetness wins, not his history.

Sorry for the length. I'm just in shock right now, and know this is one of the few places that will understand what we're going through.

[MamaS]

I wouldn't go off the deep end just yet. Sometimes it IS sexual acting out and sometimes it is just "boys being boys." Talk to your son. Was it a case of "You show me yours and I'll show you mine"?
My son's kindergarten class was studying connecting words "and, but, or" when one little boy stood up, announced "I know what 'but' means" dropped his pants and proceeded to show the entire classroom his! All the parents got a letter home explaining, in case our children mentioned the unscheduled "show and tell". I asked my son what he thought about what happened after I read the letter. He said "Zeke doesn't wear underwear. Why do I have to?" I share this so you can realize that your son's friend may not be traumatized for life. Before you imagine the worst, just talk with your son -- and listen to him without judging.

[ajjhmf]

I agree with Mamas. It's best to not freak out until you get the facts. At this age (and younger) this many times falls within 'normal' behavior. I'd talk to your son and your friend and find out exactly what happened first.

[wordsmither]

well, I desperately want to believe that its just boys being boys. However... In the last two weeks, at bedtime, when his dad is tucking him him, he's turned over and displayed his bottom to his dad, spreading his cheeks. Twice. And considering this is a report that his bio dad molested him, I have to believe there's more to it, right?

[Lorraine123]

I believe that a person cannot move on until they deal with the trauma. I would take him to a therapist that specializes in traumatized children (attachment therapiest would be good). I know for my daughter, she was stuck until she dealt with some of her trauma. A talk therapist would not have helped her, but an attachment therapist did.

[ajjhmf]

Well, knowing what he's doing at bedtime changes my answer.

My advice would be to seek out a therapist specializing in trauma. Attachment therapy is a great start (even if you think he's attached, ATs are excellent at delving to the root of the trauma.)

You child will not be able to move forward without the right kind of therapy. The wrong kind will do more damage, so be sure to look for a therapist dealing specifically with trauma/attachment and adoption stuff. It does help, but its a long hard road.


Edited to add: Honestly, I would be more concerned about what he's been doing at bedtime than the flashing. Flashing can be a normal boy thing, spreading your cheeks for your dad is not.

[ajjhmf]

I saw in your older posts that you have other children at home. I also advise having your son in his own bedroom at night with an alarm on the door.

[lucyjoy]

The glossed over reports from unreliable sources concerns me. They did that with my sons files. He needs therapy NOW with an attachment/trauma therapist who can help him deal with his sexual abuse.

He needs line of sight supervision with other kids, and an alarm on his bedroom door.

Boys being boys doesn't show up several times in prior reports and white washed as unreliable. It won't go away on it's own.

[wordsmither]

he does have his own room, fortunately. Thanks to the feedback so far, I'm going through the list of therapist referrals I got from our agency to see if I can find someone who specializes in trauma/adoption issues.

It just breaks my heart though, that he can't "go play" with kids on the block like normal kids do. He so desperately wants friends. But I'm definitely going to do the line of vision thing, without question.

I hope I can find a good therapist - he deserves to be healed of his pain.

[ajjhmf]

Contact the people at Attachment and Trauma network at radzebra.org

That have an EXCELLENT list of therapists that are not agency recommended, but PARENT recommended. It's so hard when dealing with these issues, but know you are not alone. Good luck.

[MamaS]

Lucyjoy is right. One incident could be bwbb, but the behavior at bedtime says he needs therapy now. Don't feel "sad" that you have to do line of sight. It is not punishment -- it is keeping him safe, as well as the other children. What if it happened again and the other child's parent went to the police or DCS instead of to you? You are very lucky to have identified the problem while he is still young enough to be helped!

[Kerbchek]

I would hope to believe that he is young enough to be helped. Unfortunately he has had his past. He needs therapy, perhaps he's trying to gain positive approval from your husband by doing this because that'[s what got him positive attention in the past... it's his reality and he needs therapy, time, and supervision to learn that that is not ok and other things will get him the positive attention that he is seeking... it is very sad, but I would not give up hope for him being able to have friendships, etc. in the future... but this has to be delt with now...

[AmyAnne]

The Line of Sight thing is a pain. We did it for 18 months with my son. But it can be done. If he cannot have his own room, I would put a baby monitor in the bedroom he shares so you know what's going on in there.

[Crissy011]

I agree with everyone in that therapy is very important. My ds who is 7 was also abused. When he first came here he "flashed" his front to my then 8 year old daughter. My daughter told him to stop it and he just laughed it off. Anyway, we had a lot of conversations (in addition to therapy) about how important it is to keep ourselves and those around us safe. Part of this is protecting our own bodies and keeping them safe. Because this idea of "safety" was taught to him long before he came to live with us, I always go back to that when I'm dealing with any inappropriate behavior. BTW, that was the only time an incident like that happened. I think because he didn't get the reaction out of my daughter that he had hoped for (ie laughing hysterically). But, if children get the reaction they are looking for from other children, I would imagine that it will be harder to stop the behavior.

[bethy724]

If there is a positive in all this it is that you can get him help NOW-he is young. Help is not a punishment - it is a blessing his past showing up did not include acting out on a child younger than him (or any child) & continuing the vicious cycle. It sounds like you are already on it & will get him help ASAP.