[kay]

This afternoon we meet with his probation officer. He's been seriously awol for quite awhile now, not sleeping at home, not going to school. He showed up at school briefly yesterday and the counselor said he looked dirty and greasy - don't know where he's staying, but I guess he doesn't have access to a shower? (Actually, that's probably my "fault" - he usually comes home while I'm gone, but I've been sick and at home for the past 4 days, so if he didn't want to see me, he was out of luck!) I just got a text message from him asking if he was going to be locked up today, and I replied that I don't know, but I doubt it. Though I won't take any bets for when we go back to court in 3 weeks.

When I let myself, I feel really really bad for him, and sad for both of us. But I have now built a wall around my heart. There will be cracks and breaches, but for right now I know I did the absolute best I could, and this is all choices he has made now. If I try to understand what's going on with him, it's as if he needs to be locked up, because that will prove how I've failed him. Because of course if I'd been a Good Mom, he wouldn't have had to be a Bad Kid.

[skirbo]

No words, just hugs.

Sarah

[lucyjoy]

You have done all you can and have been a good mom. Sadly, your son made the choices he made. Even if he ends up in jail, it won't be your fault. You taught him the right way to live. You showed him the right way to live. The fact that he chose different is entirely on him.

It is very sad for him and for you.

[kay]

He just called to see when I was picking him up, and telling me we have to stop by home because he has to get socks. Nope, sorry, kiddo, no time. "Well, can you bring me some?" Hello? I'm at work, not at the department store!!! I am so sad for how clueless he is right now......

[kretzklan]

I hope that some plans are made at this appointment that let you all know what's coming. I'm so sorry you are going through the results of your son's bad decisions.

[Lorraine123]

Its so hard to watch our kids sick to the bottom. Hugs to you Kay.

[lovemy6]

Originally Posted by kay

If I try to understand what's going on with him, it's as if he needs to be locked up, because that will prove how I've failed him. Because of course if I'd been a Good Mom, he wouldn't have had to be a Bad Kid.

I hope someday he realizes that he failed HIMself. And being the good mom you are, you let him learn by natural consequences, since he wouldn't listen to what you tried to teach him.

At least that's what I say to myself about my kids.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

[Barksum]

Kay, my current specialist (dr.) won my respect when he told me that I could do everything by the book, being ultra careful and doing exactly and precisely what needed to be done...and still not get the results that we were hoping for. This after being told for many years by other drs/professionals that if I 'would just apply myself and try a bit harder' then I would get better health as the result. The conclusion they had reached was that if my disease was not 'under control' then I wasn't trying hard enough.

It is the same with parenting. You can control many things about your child's environment, how you treat them, what you provide for them, etc. You just can't control what your child does with all that you provide for them. You've been dedicated to providing what is best for C for many years now. You've worked diligently to meet his needs, to provide the tools he would have to have as an adult. He's got the tool box, now he just needs to open it up and use what's in it.

[waited2long]

I truly hope something happens to snap your son back to reality!

For today, I just hope you don't have to deal with the fallout. ((hugs)) & the best of luck!

[mrsred]

I too hope that someday he "gets" it, but don't wait for that day to validate you as a Good Mom. He was damaged when you got him - without you he probably would have sunk a lot lower by now.
And sometimes, even without reason, some people just never do get it. Sometimes psychopaths just happen.

[kay]

Basically the feeling is, he's almost 18, oh well. He is getting passing grades in school, so the fact that he's consistently ditching won't be looked at. She doesn't feel the judge will care - there's many worse out there. Yeah, that's true, but it's sad my kid couldn't have gotten the support he could have used. So she yelled at him and told him not to blow it for the next 3 weeks, and he'll be free. The school has said that he's so close to 18 that the next time he ditches, they can throw him out - and supposedly that won't get me in trouble any more.

He was convinced he was going to jail today, so was mightily relieved at just getting the lecture. So he was nastier than nasty all the way there, and almost human afterwards. It's so easy for him to grab my heart again; of course he's clueless, which I guess is better than him being totally manipulative! Still counting the days to 18.

[waited2long]

Sooooo, how does letting him off the hook keep him from becoming one of those "many worse out there"??? By allowing him to break his parole, the parole officer is telling him it's okay to break the law. How insane!!!!!

I am so, so sorry that the system is failing him again! Wow!

[Kerbchek]

Originally Posted by waited2long

Sooooo, how does letting him off the hook keep him from becoming one of those "many worse out there"??? By allowing him to break his parole, the parole officer is telling him it's okay to break the law. How insane!!!!!

I am so, so sorry that the system is failing him again! Wow!

This is what I was thinking when I was reading your latest update about how things turned out at the meeting today... well said...

anyway Kay, you've always amazed me with your diligence/dedication to providing all the opportunities for your son to be successful... you've done so much for him when so many many would have given up... you're a remarkable parent in my opinion... It's gotta be tiring to keep watching others enable him to keep doing what you know is not best for him...

... it saddens me to read about people building walls around their heart... but I'm starting to see how that happens... keeps us from being hurt... it happens... but it still saddens me... but it's nice to hear you say how he can still grab your heart. I'm glad he was 'human' to you on the way home afterwards... I can't wait to read future threads of yours where he comes back to visit and you get to hear him say how he appreciated all you did for him... but if he doesn't... just remember how clueless he has been... ;-)

[SAHmom]

You can control many things about your child's environment, how you treat them, what you provide for them, etc. You just can't control what your child does with all that you provide for them.

Well said, Barksum! A reminder for me, as well, in regard to my 18 year old!

Still counting the days to 18

Kay, I thought that with our son, also, that once he turned 18, I would stop caring. He turned 18 in September, and yep! I am still caring & worried about him. I have a feeling you will be the same way! Kay, hugs sent your way!

[Barksum]

So sad that there is not the checks and balances in place to keep these kinds of miscarriages of justice from happening.

((hugs)) to you, Kay.