[sassafras]

I have a very well meaning mom of my daughters' friend.She knows I am going through a dark time right now. But of course she thinks with enough love and support my daughter will be okay. She thinks I am too hard on her etc. Of course my daughter loves to tell her all this crap that is one sided.

I just don't know how to deal with a parent like this. I'm tired of hearing how if I love her and support her enough she will be okay. How I need to undrstand why she does the things she does etc.

[karla-k]

If this person is worth taking the time the explain things to, go for it. If it is not worth your time or you don't care if she understands, then I would limit my contact and my child's contact with her.

If she isn't helping the situation, she is probably hurting it. By giving a sympathetic ear to your DD when what DD needs is correction, she is undermining you.

Just my 2 cents

[lucyjoy]

I'd be wanting to keep my daughter far, far away from this person as it's a triagulation nightmare waiting to happen. And it does reinforce your daughters feelings of control over you.

I started to type things you could tell this person but honestly, she isn't going to believe you. Sadly, this is why so many parents of traumatized kids end up isolated from "real" people.

I've never been able to make anyone understand what it's like to live with a disturbed child.

[Lorraine123]

How do I deal with parents? I just don't. Its sad and its isolating and its probably one of the hardest parts of parenting a RAD child. I assumed that my family and friends would believe me and know that I know my child best. But they don't. I have learned that you cannot make others understand. I used to try and it always ended with me looking crazy and my dd looking angelic. But then I realized that I too would not understand if I didn't live it.

[Barksum]

You can do those nice one-liners, such as, "We meet with a therapist to address these issues." Then smile and walk away. I don't think you can explain, really, without a power point presentation and handout, an attachment educator, books, etc.

I agree that this parent, though well meaning, is not going to help your relationship with your Dd. Imagine that your Dd were a diabetic and this lady gave her a soda pop every time they were in contact. You'd limit contact. Most diabetics avoid sodas as they are super high in non-nutritive sugars and can wreak havoc with blood sugar control. (Unless they need something for a hypoglycemic episode or are skipping a real meal altogether.) If the other mom persisted because she believed that your Dd was being deprived of one of the joys of childhood, you'd just cut contact or only have Dd around her when you could be there.

Often even explaining something as obvious as diabetes to people doesn't make a difference. Probably partly because it is 'invisible'. If people don't SEE it they don't believe it. I would think that attempting to explain something that people not only have never heard of but also can't see on the outside, and won't see/understand how their behavior negatively affects the child, would be futile.

[bethy724]

If you want to even waste your time w/ her I'd ask what her personnal experience is with a child like your daughter & what books, therapists & professionals she'd reccommend that take your insurance, evening appts. weekend appts ect. If she has no experience or successful outcomes & stats to back her suggestions thank her for her interest & prayers but you have a community of people & professionals to help you & your daughter. Her unsubstaniated advise (if your daughter hears her suggesitons that you don't LOVE her enough) is hindering your success as a mom & assisting your daughter's manipulative behavior.

Until you live w/ a child 24/7 you shouldn't give such meaningless advise-of course you love your daughter - your her mother - this woman is NOT.

[momraine]

So funny, cause I just had a talk with a friend and ended up blogging about it. I get tons of people telling me that it's all me. Especially with ds's eating disorder. I have had people tell me that he is just not used to American food, that he is just a picky eater, that he will eat when he is hungry, that I am expecting him to eat too much for a child his size, etc. They don't get that this child's life has been in danger from this. They tell me his lies are normal kid stuff. One of the costodians at school has finally had it with his scraping up the walls at the school and is bribing him to stop. He makes it look like an accident and has most of the teachers convinced it's always an accident. His main teacher knows it's not, but others beleive him. The custodian has figured out that it's not. I don't nessesarily think bribery is the way to go, but he has stopped cause she promised him a watch. (probably from the dollar store). Normally I would have suggested having him paint over the summer to repair the damage, but I know him well enough to know he would think it was fun and "accidentally" cover himself and the floor and everything else in sight with paint. So I am leaving it alone for now and letting it be dealt with at school. He does not do it at home because I don't let him get away with it. I tell him he must be too tired to drive correctly and needs a nap. He hates naps, (cause if he is quiet for even a few seconds he falls asleep) so he drives carefully around me. Anyway, sorry guess I wrote too much! But yes, other parents don't get it. That's why we come here to talk to parents who get it.

[chickymum]

You can explain until you are blue in the face but she will NEVER get it. You will just make yourself look meaner. I always find myself trying to explain and I just get stared at like I know nothing about raising a child. The more you say, the worse you will look. Everyone is right, it does mean that you need to back away. Its sad but you know that you are doing what you can and if you let others make you feel bad then you will be going through more stress, upset and pain than you already are. Do you really want that. I have had to pull my daughter away from families that "know how to fix my daughter" too.
Thats why you have this board!!! We believe you! We "get it".

[kretzklan]

Perhaps I've been lucky - or perhaps I'm just blind to the fact that people think I'm crazy. This was actually the topic in my therapy session this morning. I'm seem to be (in my therapist's eyes and mine as well) becoming more secure in myself and my ability to know what I NEED to DO for MY family. I used to be embarrassed or just throw in the towel and give up. Now, I approach it every time very head on. When someone mentions how I parent or how my child acts or what I allow - etc, etc, etc. I tell them why - the whole dirty truth. I don't feel like hiding it anymore. I also don't care if my kids hear my tell others about it - it takes away their power over those people.
An aid in DDs class approached me last week to tell me that DD lost a pencil and was so upset that she was really freaking out. I could tell that the aid felt really badly about it. I looked at her and said "wow, she really got you"...I went on to explain DD's greatest gift - manipulation...I told aid that I bet she helped DD look for it and then miraculously, DD was the one to find it. Yep...well, that's because she hid it in order to drag you into her world and get sorrow and pity.
The aid's face was ashen and she looked embarrassed. Hey, I fell for DD also for about 2 years. Teacher emailed me to say that aid asked for reading material about AD (I had told her the teacher had it)...
So, hopefully I got through to her...one person at a time!

[momraine]

The one I have fallen for too many times is the bathroom one. Whenever he is bored he will insist he needs to go to the bathroom. He can act like he is really about to bust. You would think that I would not buy this from a kid who is usualy pretty dehydrated since he barely drinks. But, he is so good he has really gotten me a couple of times. It's so frustrating to watch him zoom right past a bathroom after he has spent the last thirty minutes acting like he was about to have an accident. So I really can't get to judgemental when the teachers and other people fall for it every time.

[chickymum]

But Krets I will attempt to explain the whole dirty truth and I just look mean for doing so. People will not believe what I have told them. Theres no way that such a sweet little girl with such a pitiful face could do any of the things I have said. If I was to tell someone that they have been played then they think that i am just being mean and of course DD was very upset. And I have explained the situation to people in front of DD and they will become horrified because I am talking about her with her standing there. They try to drop the subject. They do not understand that DD knows exactly what I am saying and why I am saying it. They don't get the fact that she is not hurt by what I am saying about her.

[crick]

Since it's one of your daughter's friends and dd might not have that many friends as it is, I'm guessing you don't want to sever this tie?

If you don't, I'd go with Barki's suggestion with the line on the therapist. That's a great line! Then you can just cut that conversation out and talk about other things.

If she's really persistent, you might ask her "If dd had cancer would you be telling me to just keep loving her and expect it to just heal in time?" and leave it at that.

Sorry you are in a dark place right now! (((HUGS)))

[Lorraine123]

Chickymum - I get the same reaction you do. People don't believe me. DD is very charming and convincing, so if I tell the entire horrible story, the response I get is "You must be confiused, it coudln't be that bad", or "Wow she really came throgh that unscathed". Or I have heard "You kow, when someone has a bad history, you tend to look for problems. You are blaming her past on normal behaviors". And if I do tell the story in front of dd, instead of me getting understanding, she gets pity. Its very frustrating.

[momraine]

I get told I just don't know what I am talking about. I hear the line about how "all kids" do that all the time. It really makes me wonder about the poor parents who get a RAD kid for thier first kid. This is my fourth kid, so I have some sort of idea of what is normal, but I still have had some times where I was second guessing myself. Here I have friends who get it and don't think I am crazy, well who know I am crazy and like me anyway! The other great thing about this group is I know they will give me honest feedback and and won't sugar coat it.

[chickymum]

Originally Posted by momraine

I get told I just don't know what I am talking about. I hear the line about how "all kids" do that all the time. It really makes me wonder about the poor parents who get a RAD kid for thier first kid. This is my fourth kid, so I have some sort of idea of what is normal .

I don't think you do know what you're talking about. I just looked at the pictures on your blog and that kid is adorable. Way to cute to present any behavious. Just kidding LOL. But Oh my, the lego pic and him singing...so gorgeous

But I know what your talking about, every behaviour I have tried to explain is just normal or because I am not loving her or something. UM Hellooooo, I have kids that do not have attachment issues toooooo. LOL. OK now I am just being silly. Sorry.