[shy_bear]

We are in the very starting stages of planning on adopting again. We are discussing what type of special needs we are willing to accept. So our question is for those of you whose children will not be able to live on their own as adults what type of arrangements have you made for when you are no longer able to care for them or if something was to happen to you? We have a very small extended family and my parents are getting older so I would not want to put that on them. I dread the idea of wanting one of our girls to shoulder that kind of responsiblity. Any thoughts?

[Indy]

This post hits home, dead center. I have two sons who will never live independently. I know this sounds sad, but the only plan in place is a group home. My family is unwilling to provide long term support, as the two have far reaching disabilities. I was told from the beginning (boy was I green then!) that they would lead fully independent lives! And I believed it! Nothing could be further from the truth. M2 can't even live here without my constant supervision. He is 19 and a junior in high school. Even when he does graduate, he won't be able to work.

L reads on a first grade level. They should have kept him in school for another year or two...but I was out voted by the IEP committee. What do I know? I am just a "stupid" parent. L has been out of work for 7 months. He is not very employable, as he got fired from a grocery store for cussing out a supervisor. Ever since, he sabotages every interview and job chance.

I did not plan on M2 and L living with me for the rest of my life. I actually am getting to the point of being bitter. I was lied to and deceived by workers. Now, teachers and administrators treat me like I am a bad parent because I call things as I see them. The system stinks supporting parents who parent children with disabilities. When a child reaches 18, they go on a list for support. It can take 5-7 years to get to the top. I have heard of some who wait 10 years. SSI can help, but it is not enough to get them through.

I am sorry for sounding so negative, but I am typing this from my room as M2 is sitting on a couch in my room. He needs constant supervision, as he cannot keep himself out of trouble. I live this every day. Sadly, if someone had told me that this is the way things would turn out with M2, I would not make the same decision. I know, bad dad.

[Barksum]

We have extended family, and a couple of families in our church. We also are constantly keeping an ear (eye?) open for information on various programs for work and housing. We also have acreage and have discussed building bunk houses on the property here.

In our will we have designated guardians, with back ups for that, and we've written in that we want extended family input on major decisions regarding the lives of the kids. We have older nieces and nephews who are familiar with our kids' issues and who love them. They may not be able to provide a home for the kids but they will be involved with their care in some capacity should Dh and I be unable to care for the kids.

Frankly, though, if we had to find something RIGHT NOW for adult kids it would be tough. There are very limited options, and I would try to avoid government programs for adults who are unable to live independently. This is my personal bias, of course, but I do have my reasons.

[Lylac]

3 of our 4, we know won't be independent. Possibly all 4 won't. My sister will get my kids. And if it becomes too hard , they will live in a assisted living home. That way they can have a little independence , and still get the help they would need. But my sister would still oversee them.And still include them in family functions.

[karla-k]

Our bio DD is almost 10 and her future is unclear. She is pretty high functioning, but very naive and we are not sure she will ever be able to take care of herself without being taken advantage of. Physically she could manage, but emotionally and intellectually, we just don't know.

That being said, we do not have a plan for her beyond our lives. If we both passed and she was still a minor, we have close friends who will take all of our kids. We have not been in a place to discuss the adult chapter of her life yet.

As a side note on government run group homes, we are not too comfortable with that option either. I know a family whose mother is in a private home nursing facility. I have thought about doing the same kind of thing when our other kids leave home: having a private group home for disabled adults. If we have DD at home we might as well have other "kids" here too! It is not like we'll ever get to live alone anyway

[Peggy]

My dd's future is still up in the air. SHe is about to turn 16. Because she was in a residential facility for a while. Her caseworker said he would make sure she was in the system for possibly needing assisted living. Our state has varying degrees. There are group homes or apartments. I am still hoping she can live independently (that was one of my criteria for adopting), but am relieved to know there is something available if she can't live alone, and can't live with me.