[Original Mike]

I was originally going to post this with Skirbo's thread, but I didn't want to look like a hijacker. M's story reminds me a lot of her B's situation. From what I hear, M has also been getting a pretty good dose of "The Real World".

It started Christmas Day when my mom was driving home from my sister's. She was coming down the highway and saw m walking down the road. She stopped and offered him a ride. Turns out, he was walking to his aunt's house to spend Christmas with her. (Yes, the same aunt who tried to send him to a group home so she wouldn't have to put up with him.) My mom offered to drive him to the aunt's, as it wasn't out of her way.

Well, he gave my mom a real sob story. Apparently, he was walking because he had a wreck and his car is in the shop while he saves money for the repairs. (This is a new car he bought less than three months ago.) His car insurance is now $400 per month!!.

She asked him if he was still living with "Lolita", his jailbait girlfriend. He told her, "No, I was only there one week." Well, that's a lie. He still claims it as his address and her Myspace brags about them living together. he told her he was living at an apartment complex across town. WRONG!!! C and his girlfriend live in that complex and its small enough that C would have known if M were living there.

Then, the kicker: he asks my mom "Do you know why my Dad won't talk to me?" WHAT???? She told him "Well, I think you calling the police to his house was not a good move." he didn't say anything to that.

fast forward to New Year's night. Jean had come by and C was spending the night. R went to bed at his regular time, and the three of us were sitting in the living room talking, when the phone rings at 1am. (Yes, we are all night owls here.) From the caller ID, Icould see it was coming from Lolita's house, so we opted not to answer it. (Had i been a hospital or the police, we would have gotten it.) Then, the phone rings again at 1:15, also from Lolita's. C offered to answer and give M his opinion. Well, Jean grabbed it first and answered "Hello". There was a long pause and she said "Hello" again. Apparently, it was M and he asked "Uh, hi, is Mike there?" She answered "No, he's not available. Can I give him a message?" M hung up. She said his words were slurring, like he'd been drinking. We've heard nothing else from him, though he may still be in shock that a woman answered my phone in the middle of the night.

Now, the women in my life are divided. My mom says he needs to be given another chance and he seems to really want to make amends. (I didn't have the heart to tell her that almost everything he told her was absolute crap!) Jean, on the other hand, is out for his head. Her opinion is that he just used me to get out of foster care and, now that things have gotten really rough for him, wants to try to slither back into my good graces. She even thinks I should have the adoption dissolved to prevent him from having any claim to my assets. (This is not really necessary, as my will at this time expressly disinherits him.)

I really don't want anything to do with him at all right now. The way he left here was hurtful enough, then to call the police to my home based on a lie was the last straw. The fact that he continues to lie to cover himself shows me that nothing has changed. At least C's screw-ups were not malicious towards me. As Jean puts it, "C just doesn't think about the collateral damage when he does something stupid."

[aMarylandfamily]

Just posted hugs for Skirbo and now some for you too - there is no easy answer to what you could, would, should do - follow the days as the unravel and be there when you should, back away when you need to and remember the NO word is important if you feel the need or desire to use it (which you will feel both before you are done) ... remember we're here for you - to vent, laugh, cry and care ...

[lucyjoy]

Bottom line is-what do you want? A therapist once asked me if I wanted to be right or if I wanted a relationship with my son on terms my son understood.

My kids that left home early all regret it as life is hard. I do have a relationship with them but I do know that they do manipulate and lie(having 4 the same age makes that quite interesting as they don't keep their lies straight).

I do invite them to dinner away from the house about once a month. I do take their phone calls. If they come here, I hide my purse. I rarely initiate contact except email to see if they are alive.

When they make a step forward, I do too and some of them are growing up and figuring things out. Some aren't.

T I would like to disown at this point and not sure how I'll feel in the future with that one.

When you are ready, you can talk to him because he IS your son, but that doesn't mean you put your heart back into the picture. He may be at a point where he is ready to hear your wisdom and advice.

Some days, parenting sucks.

[Kerbchek]

Personally, given his age, I'd say you're doing the right thing... if he were much younger, then you could look at your situation as more of a learning opportunity, maybe... He can't think he can just go on manipulating one person after another, then just dropping back into people's lives after he's severely hurt them whenever HE'S ready... this generation of entitlement kids drives me nuts.... there ARE consequences for actions.

I haven't talked to A & T much in the last few years... Even though it was 2005 that they burned down the bridge with me, and they've both grown up more... I rarely return phone calls and never go out of my way to find them... not that they were my adopted kids, but I maybe somewhat know how you're feeling perhaps, and can certainly understand how hurt one could feel after doing so much for someone, and how badly they can screw things up when they don't get their way....

[kretzklan]

Just wanting to add my thoughts going out to you. I don't have words of wisdom...but I learn much from all of you who are going before me!

[Indy]

I can so relate. J2 has not tried to communicate with me since the 12/30. He was to be here on 12/31 to celebrate the new year with us. He "no called, no showed". That is the same thing he did on 12/24, when he was to go with us to my parent's house. It's not as if I expected him to go, he was the one who called me and wanted to come! I called him on the 25th, wondering what had happened. He threw out a bunch of excuses. I didn't even waste a phone call on the 1st. Obviously, he doesn't care.

I know he has said terrible things about me to his girlfriend. She has expressed a lot of surprise when I gave them money to get a car, take them to nice dinners, and carry them around. Based on what she has said, I knew he had said some bad things. His old GF (mother of my first grand daughter) told me things that were totally untrue.

[skirbo]

I'm so sorry Mike.

You know, one of the things that bothered me so much about the abuse report was the *lies* that she told. If you are going to dislike me or try to hurt me, have the guts/courtesy/manners to do so with the *truth*, ya know? I have plenty of flaws she could have used against me, she didn't have to go make things up. Plus the whole feeling I have now of her manipulating me to adopt her and then when the free stuff / free ride ran out she went back to where she knew they not only bought her stuff but that they hadn't wanted her to leave. She didn't understand that all the stuff they used to buy her came from her board rate, which they aren't getting now. (They'll get my subsidy check signed over when it comes in, but it's not here yet. And it's half what her board rate was.)

You're a person with a strict moral code, a strong sense of honor and ethics (er, no wonder you got out of politics). I understand why you were so personally upset by what C did so long ago now. And I understand why what M did feels so much worse.

I hope things get better soon.

Sarah

[waited2long]

I'm sorry... I just want to add my hugs.