[skirbo]

So, Friday night I signed the custody agreement. It needs signatures of the former foster parents, so I've got the original with me. I've tried and tried to reach them on Friday night so I could bring it and the rest of B's things on Saturday. Spend the day with the attorney friend on Saturday and never hear back from them. She figures they are avoiding me. She's right.

I spoke to the adult sister that works here today, the one that is one of the root causes of the problem. Well, the roots that don't rest with B herself anyway, or me, if I'm honest. I'm not perfect or blameless.

Anyway, seems that all is not sunshine and roses over there. B's had bad attitude, been trash talking and behaving inappropriately. They are now not sure if this is going to work at all. And the adult sister apologized to me, because at first she thought that I was being mean and had really kicked B out of the house. They've caught B in some lies now, and that sort of thing, that changed her mind.

I told her that before they decided to just pack her up and send her home that we all needed to sit down and talk to her together about Job Corps. And I told her that it was because I didn't want B back in my home. Sigh.

I was just beginning to unknot and uncoil that ball of tension and stress. I truly think that having shared with the adult sister that she's not wanted here now will have some impact and they will not want to send her away, at least for a while.

On the plus side, one of the caseworkers here, who I adore, has worked with the residential treatment side of things for years before she came to do regular casework. She'll walk me through getting her into a facility if they try to send her home because with her history and now failing in a therapeutic home (even unofficially) all she'll have to do is say that's what she wants/needs and they can make it happen. Plus she recommended the Sheriff's Boys/Girls Ranches here, so I have some hope at least.

I feel horrible saying that I don't want her back in my home, but... I really don't. I can't trust her at all anymore and I'm still so angry at her for the abuse report that I can't be a good parent to her.

Hoping for some good advice and support here.

Sarah

[Barksum]

((hugs)) Sarah. No advice. You seem to be covering all the bases and have thoughts and plans for several contingencies.

I don't think you are being unreasonable or hateful to not want to allow B to continue to lie and do destructive things to herself and others - including you. Setting limits is what caring parents do. Limiting those things that are in their power to limit is what a reasonable person does to insure their own safety and the safety of their kids. B's tendencies are destructive, so limits are in order.

[aMarylandfamily]

I/We have been in your shoes - it is hard to face the reality of the dream literally dissipating in front of you each day - our hearts and hugs are with you.

And - it's ok to feel what you are experiencing - sad but ok - I remember the shame of the feeling "no - he cannot ever come back here brings" so I understand and care!

Keep posting - this board helped me through that time (and others too) more than I can ever explain - just coming her to learn and hear about others and know they care - they (we) do!!!

[Original Mike]

Gee, seems like we have similar updates with the genders reversed. I just posted a thread about the resurfacing of M.

I think you are doing the right thing. B needs to see that there are consequences to actions and that, by accusing you of abuse, she has shattered the trust. It's a hard lesson to learn.

I guess I did smirk a little bit over her old foster parents. Since your saga began, I saw these people as real slime. Guess things aren't as peachy as they wanted, huh?

You are a strong, confident woman and I have oceans of respect for how you've handled a really rotten situation. Keep your chin up and your spine steel!!!

Mike

[lucyjoy]

I wouldn't take her back either. She wants to play one parent off the other and will use any means to get her way no matter who it hurts. Will residential take her at her age? Here, we'd have to look at independent living facilities as the regular ones won't take a kid who is 17(they will keep them to 18 if they are already in the facility)

Glad the fparents got a dose of reality and fast even.

Good luck and I hope you can keep her out of your house.

[kay]

Hugs from here,too, Sarah. And no advice. Sounds like you're doing everything you "should" be doing. I'm so sorry it's come to this, though. I'm at a slightly different place on the same spectrum. C has successfully parent-shopped, and I'm not seeing much of him these days, despite the fact that this is against the terms of his probation. If I cared more, I'd call the guy in for contributing to the delinquency of a minor - but I don't think that would help, he'd just seek out someone else. And I frankly don't think the cops or the courts would care. We have 2 weeks until our return to court, then a month until his 18th birthday. This is so hard, and I sympathize with you totally! (((((Hugs)))))

[Kerbchek]

I too am glad to hear it's not all rosy over there... it's just a good feeling to know that others know you're not crazy... you're not alone. Good luck with everything. I hope services for her work out. After an abuse aligation, I know I'd never be able to trust again.

[kretzklan]

You don't sound mean for not wanting her back...you sound human and hurt. That is totally ok. I hope that the ideas and plans that you've come up with can pan out!

[Indy]

I have a couple of boys I would rather not have in the house. When they are, I am like Lucy and hide my wallet (credit cards, watch, valuable coins, loose change, etc).

[skirbo]

Thanks guys. This is so hard for me because most of the time I feel like I'm doing/allowing this *because* I'm hurt and angry and not because it's really the best thing for her. When I feel like that, I also feel like they very much deserve one another.

Other times I feel that I'm letting her down by not doing everything I can to make things work. That this is another in a series of bad decisions on my part.

Mike, you called me a strong, confident woman-which is a huge compliment and I really appreciate it. But right now that doesn't feel true at all. At the moment I think I'm more of the simpering mindless twit hoping someone is going to come along and rescue her. I keep hoping that someone will show up-any minute now-but no one does.

And God, how pathetic does that sound?

Sarah

[waited2long]

I'm so sorry you're back to dealing with 'what to do'...

It does sound like you have a good chance of getting her into residential treatment. I'll hope that is the way things go. As I feel a professional setting for her, will be best for both of you.

[chickymum]

You know I have been in your shoes before too and I tell you the range of emotions is devastating. Relief, anger, guilt, hurt, fear, the feeling of failure, thinking that you did it all wrong as well as worrying what so many outsiders are thinking and saying. It is purely exhausting. You are not alone and you need to remember that you tried. The abuse alegations are haunting but all will settle eventually. Hugs from here.

[lucyjoy]

Sarah, that's how adopting crazy teens makes you feel-crazy. She has to want change before anything anyone does will help her and she's just not there. In my opinion, you are making healthy decisions for you and letting her know her actions have real consequences. I took some of my kids back more times then I should have.

Dont' second guess and doubt yourself. You did what needed doing. If those other adults had butted out, the options may have been different but they didn't.

I know how terrible this feels. Sorry you are so far away or we could bring you rum and funny movies to cheer you up.