[Crissy011]

Ever since our pre-adoptive son moved in with us, he has always referred to his birthmom as "my mom." When he started calling me mom a few months ago, we had a conversation about why he has two moms, etc. So, we are driving in the car today and he says, "That lady looks like the lady who's stomach I came out of." I said, "Your birthmom?" He says, "Yeah, do you know what she looks like?" So, I answer, "Ofcourse, you have pictures of her in your room, she is very pretty." He was taken out of the home at 2 years old and no longer has visits with her (they ended last May). Anyway, just thought it was a strange way to refer to her & I wonder if he's accepting me more as "mom."

[AmyAnne]

My son for a time referred to his birth parents as Mommy (Firstname) and Daddy (Firstname). It was a huge distinction for him because he's NEVER called us Mommy and daddy (We are Mom and Dad)

[romania97]

How can I post my own message or question?

[kretzklan]

To post a new message - hit new thread at the top.

I think it's great that he is working it out in his own little brain. He sounds very smart and I'm sure his terminology will continue to change throughout time! I hope that it means good things...

[Barksum]

It is an interesting process to watch as our kids sort out their history and begin to find ways to label and understand their whole families. When talking to my kids about their first mothers we initially referred to them as "tummy mommy", and now my kids refer to them by name. So our conversations go something like, "Mom, when I was in Jane's tummy...", etc. We also have foster parents that they talk about and some remember, so we refer to them as Mama Cindy, and have to explain that they were not in Mama Cindy's tummy...and the conversation gets really involved! LOL

Romania, on the first page of this forum there is a tab at the top of the threads, on the left side, labeled "Post New Thread" or something to that effect.

[lucyjoy]

It's good that he is open to talking about this. It may be good to help give him a name to use for her. When I talk to my kids about their birthmothers I refer to them as mom "Jane"(insert the mother's name). I've noticed that this seems to make it easier for them to talk to me about their other mom without feeling like they are taking away from either one of us.

[Mkuhlmann06]

When we refer to AS's birthmom, we usually say "first mom". We've also started saying that with our preadoptive daughter. She refers to several people as mom (her bro's adoptive mom, me, her biomom, etc). I also like the Mom "first name". Because both AS and DD were much older when removed and finally when TPR ocurred - they have a very strong bond to biomom. They both arrived (separately) saying "real mom". Ive tried very hard to correct that. Both their mom's did try parent them so first mom just seemed to fit best.

[Lorraine123]

My daughter refers to her birthmom as "Mom S". Helps to differentiate when we are talking.

[greenrobin]

When Bubba first arrived, it was, "My mom, Barbie."

Recently it became, "My Barbie."

The therapist said it's because he's processing it all, transferring his feelings to me.

We're pretty matter of fact about the change. It's his to do, so I let him go at his own pace.

And sometimes, when I least expect it, he paces backward.

[qs mom]

The thought process is amazing, isn't it?

My son is an International adoptee. I never used the word mom for anyone by me. He did not remember a mother, or much from the orphanage.

But I did tell him that R had a baby boy that she couldn't take care of. That his mama (me) came to get him. There is more to the story, but I'm not going long here.

When he was about 6 1/2 or 7, he asked if R was his mom. He knew he grew in her belly. He knew he lived with Dr. K and the other kids (the orphanage, I don't like the image that orphanage brings up for him). He knew baby's grew in ladies bellys. But he finally put it together. I told him that she was his first mom. And for now, he's ok with that.

Questions come up occassionally and I just answer them as best I can, age appropriately.

I did not have my child in my home pre-adopt, so it's really different.

[kxl164]

We had to drop the title of "mom" for birthmom. Our sons were small when they were removed, but had visits for a while. When they first came "Mom" wasn't a nice word to them, to them it was a negative title given to every woman and because in their experience women were "bad," it was very confusing for them when our birthdaughters called me "Mom" and I was nice.

Now that "Mom" has become a nice word for one person, we have found that using "birthmom", or "tummy mom/mommy", "first mom", or "biological mother" all cause problems for our sons so we just go with First Name. They like the freedom to talk about First Name (not that they do often) w/o having to refer to her as "mom" in any way. To them they can only have one Mom, only one person can have that title, posistion in their lives/minds. We didn't have as many issues with "Dad" because "Dad" was a "good" title (birthdad was their protector at times although not around much) but they still prefer First Name because they only want one Dad.

I think it is great that your son is processing this at his own pace and the you are so open to the ways he needs to express himself. We just follow our sons' leads, it seems to be working out best so far.