[marythemom]

Biomom told me several weeks ago that she would be in Texas in January and wanted to know if she could see the kids. My first instinct was of course, "He** NO!" Then I realized that all the biofamily would tell my kids and I would look like the bad guy.

I decided that my 13 year old daughter couldn't handle it, but I'd leave it up to my 15 year old son. I was pretty sure he'd say no, and he almost did, but then decided he wanted some closure. So she scheduled the visit for 1/19 and we're all meeting with son's therapist for some ground rules before bringing in son. Fairly smooth.

He hasn't seen biomom in the 2 years he's been here in Texas (apparently she stalked his games and practices while he was in foster care for the 2.5 years), but daughter hasn't seen her in 4 years. Biomom voluntarily TPRed after dumping them each in foster care because they were "out of control" -keeping their younger siblings.

After this was decided, and before we could tell her about the visit, daughter ended up spending the 1 through 5th of the New Year in inpatient crisis mental health care (threatened suicide and has been getting increasingly "upset" - we were trying to remove her anti-depressant because of the bipolar diagnosis). They sent her home after 4 days because she wasn't suicidal or upset there (they did finish removing the anti-depressant).

We're basically homeschooling her using the workbooks from the private school right now, she has too many meltdowns and inability to be quiet and handle school yet. We'll probably try tomorrow - she's starts an increased dose of Concerta tomorrow morning (which will help or make it worse).

We can't afford the private school anymore and are in the process of having to put her back in public school (7th grade). Of course her first day is supposed to be 1/20. We still haven't had her IEP meeting (tentatively scheduled for 1/16) so have no idea what services she'll qualify for. We also haven't told her about going back to public school - which she will be very excited about.

She has bipolar, attachment disorder (anxiously attached, but her EMDR therapist thinks she's actually RAD), PTSD, ODD, LD particularly in reading - working on a 5th grade level, severe ADHD, and while most of it is drama she has threatened suicide and actually packed to run away. She's on MANY meds which we are still adjusting, sees a psychiatrist bi-monthly and has an AT therapist (seen every other week) and an EMDR therapist (seen weekly).

Biomom has already purchased plane tickets from Nebraska and we've got everything scheduled and given her the address of the therapist. Both of my daughter's therapists are thinking that this will probably cause a break down whether she's allowed to see biomom or not (especially if brother sees her and daughter can't).

Daughter had been slowly improving over the two years we've had her. The last few months she's been spiraling downward dramatically. This is the first time since she was 9 she's had to be put in a mental health facility.

I know this is a no win situation. Any suggestions?

[greenrobin]

None at all--only hugs.

This is so very hard. I'm assuming daughter knows nothing of the impending visit. I'd be more worried about her losing trust if/when she finds out than of the fallout from the visit. That might cause big damage to whatever attachment she currently has.

I know the docs feel that either way it will cause trouble. Have y'all considered bringing up her biomom's visit in therapy and letting her decide?

And, by the way, I teach 7th graders. I have a number of regular ed kids who are working on the 2nd grade level, so I'd welcome a kid who is able to work at 5th grade. I really hope her return to public school is a good thing for her.

I'll pray for wisdom and strength for you and your kids, mary.

[marythemom]

My daughter, Kitty, knows nothing of the impending visit, but I knew she would find out eventually. I would rather that she learn about it beforehand, and do plan to tell her in a therapy session on Tuesday.

The plan is to tell her that brother is seeing biomom because he's older and in a better place emotionally, and to point out that Kitty is not in a good place at this time, after all she just got out of the mental hospital. The problem is that even in the middle of a screaming fit, restrained, with the cops looking on ready to take her to the hospital, Kitty is in full denial that she's even upset.

She has never understood why she can't go back to biomom. Because of her black and white thinking she remembers only good things about her past with biomom. She glosses over the bad stuff. She will not agree that she is not ready. She just doesn't see things the way others do. Logical arguments do not work.

Early on in therapy we spent a lot of time helping Kitty understand that it was not her fault that she was put in fostercare. We didn't want to make the mistake of blaming or saying negative things about biomom either. We have been told that biomom will not accept responsibility either and has always blamed everything on the kids - that's why we were told not to allow visits. (Biomom has also told everyone she was forced by the state to TPR - which is the opposite of the truth)

All biomom would have to do is walk in and tell Kitty she loves her but couldn't get her the help she needed, and that's why she gave her up. Biomom looks like the victim. I'm the evil woman who is keeping Kitty from her "real" mommy and sisters. In the state Kitty is in now, she doesn't even have to see biomom. Just knowing that biomom wanted to see her is probably enough!

Why didn't I just say NO?!

[aspenhall]

You can always paint it as, bio mom will be in texas for XYZ thing/event and your brother wanted to see her. How do you feel about him seeing her?

Make it seem like the bro is seeking her out, and not that there was a choice for her to see her.

[mrsred]

no suggestions, just lots of sympathy and prayers

[chelspark1]

This may be totally going in the wrong direction but can you sit down and talk to your son and explain to him this situation with your daughter and would he be willing NOT to see his mother at this time? This way you could avoid the situation all together.
I don't know how much this may affect your son but it just seems that this is a really bad time for this to be happening.
Would he understand if you explain to him why this is a bad time for him to see his birth mom?
My husband and I have had many talks about possibly letting our kids see their birth mom (and my son has very black and white thinking like your dd - only remembers the good times) and at this time we feel they wouldn't be able to handle it.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[TxMom65]

I don't really have any advice, just wanted to offer support. I like the idea of maybe talking to your son and postponing the visit. I agree that her even knowing she is in town will cause her some emotional damage.

[greenrobin]

Originally Posted by marythemom

She has never understood why she can't go back to biomom. Because of her black and white thinking she remembers only good things about her past with biomom. She glosses over the bad stuff. She will not agree that she is not ready. She just doesn't see things the way others do. Logical arguments do not work.

I understand. My very first placement was the daughter of a meth addict who, among other things, had basically given her 13 yr old to the 19 yr old son of a couple so that they could live with them. Fd saw absolutely nothing wrong with that. Or the fact that they'd been homeless for over 2 years, or were living in a travel trailer without utilities. Or anything else.

Black and white thinking cannot be reasoned with.

I am sorry that you are facing this. And you didn't say no because you were thinking about how you would feel if you never got to see your kids again.

It's called compassion.

[athikers]

Maybe offer that son could write a letter to birthmom for now (without the offer of mom getting to write a letter - since it seems she cannot be appropriate) and postpone the visit.

I think postponing the visit for son is the lesser of two evils at the moment.

[marythemom]

I have been told by the kids' former therapist that Biomom was not allowed to see the children in foster care because she determinedly blamed them for what happened. We saw evidence of this fault laying in our early therapy sessions and worked hard on helping Kitty understand that this was not her fault – successfully I think. I know better than to run down a birth parent though so I’ve always avoided making Biomom look bad to the kids, and even tried to help the kids understand why she may have done the things she did. This is now coming back to bite me in the butt as Kitty has “forgotten” all the bad stuff and desperately wants to go “home.” Still, we have been dealing with this as it happens, and through EMDR therapy we’ve been trying to help her process her severe PTSD.

The following is a letter I sent to Biomom. She has been in touch with me via e-mail for almost a year and has always tried to make herself look like a victim who loves her kids and only put them into foster care for their own good. The kids were told by biofamily that she was “forced” to give them up. Bear now knows (and believes – unlike Kitty) that this was not true and plans to confront her with this in his session with her. This is my attempt at manipulating Biomom into having to help us or else come across as the bad guy. If she does decide to be selfish or hurtful at the last minute then at least I’m probably no worse off then I would have been if I hadn’t asked. Right?


Hi (Birthmom),

As two people who love (Kitty's birth name), I need to discuss something with you. I probably shouldn’t talk to you about this, but I’m not sure what else to do. I’ll be honest and tell you that I have almost cancelled this visit several times, and I’m still not sure I’m doing the right thing for (Kitty). I haven’t told (Kitty) about your visit yet for many reasons. One being that she is going through an extremely difficult time right now and we’re not totally sure why – it could be some recent med changes, it could be hormones, it could be the holidays, it could be a lot of things. Over the last two years she has made a lot of progress. She has slowly bonded to our family, and although she is still very hurt by all the abandonments (perceived and otherwise) that she’s had in her life, we’ve seen her slowly begin to trust us and believe that we love her and won’t send her away – even when she’s acting up.

I know you never intended to hurt her, and she loves you loyally. I have always tried to explain to the children that it must have been so hard for you dealing with their issues as well as your own troubles. I have always made it clear to the children that I fully expect them to always love you. You were their first mother. My problem is that (Kitty) has never really understood why she can’t just go “home.” She has unknowingly built a fantasy about her life before foster care and adoption. She only remembers the good things, and denies any hurts or problems. Those concerns are of course still there, affecting her life and relationships. We work hard to get her to address them in therapy so that she can deal with them now instead of allowing them to fester and negatively affect her.

January 1st - 5th, (Kitty) went into an inpatient mental health facility. This is the first time this has happened since we’ve known her (about 2.5 years) - although I understand she has been hospitalized for similar issues a couple of times when she was younger. She is so emotionally fragile right now. I am VERY worried about her.

I plan to tell her about your visit at her next therapy session (Tuesday). I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place on this, and I am hoping you can help us. The way I see it I currently have 3 choices.

One, is to stick to the original plan, and let her know you are coming, but that her therapists and I feel she is not at a good place for meeting you. That Bear is older and more emotionally stable. I know she will not understand and will completely disagree (she usually ignores and denies her feelings). I feel that most likely this will damage my relationship with her, possibly permanently (I hope I don’t sound overly dramatic here, but I know you must remember being a teenager and fighting for your independence and identity with your parents? I know how rejected I felt by my parents who had a nasty divorce. My father tried to manipulate me and use me as a pawn to hurt my mother. I still have never really forgiven him). We had planned to have her write a list of questions and things she wants us to ask you about, but I doubt this will be sufficient to make up for not getting to see you.

Two, to allow her to see you and just deal with the inevitable fall-out. I’ll be honest, what terrifies me about this is that she will ask you to take her home or something similar. That you will (of course) tell her that you love her and that you never wanted to give her up, or worse, that it was her fault she was placed in foster care because she was out of control. She will blame my husband and I for keeping her from you (I know it’s not rational, but very likely), and the damage is still done to our relationship. Plus, she feels abandoned/ rejected by you when you have to leave her here.

So, as one mother to another, I’m begging for your help with this. Do you think that (with the assistance of her attachment therapist), you could help us give (Kitty) the closure she needs, and ask her to honor the bond that she has with us? I’m not asking you to tell her you don’t love her, just to encourage her to know it is OK with you for her to love my family too and be loved by us. That there is room in her heart for both of us, and that she belongs with my family now. I fully believe that if we work on this together that we will both benefit from the abundant love this child is capable of. I know that (Kitty)’s therapist (different from Bear’s) has offered to help us with this.

Please be honest with me. I feel that Kitty is in a very dangerous situation here and that we will need to walk a fine line to help her. If you do not feel that you can do this, then I will just stick to the original plan and hope that she doesn’t hate me too much. Can you tell her that you love her, but that she is where she needs to be?

Just to make things more difficult, Kitty starts public school on the 20th (the day after your visit). We’ve had her in a tiny private school for the last year and a half, but cannot afford it now because of the economy. She is excited about this, but it will still be VERY stressful for her.

Mary

[sundara]

Of course, every situation is different, but what you are describing mirrors so much of what I've been thru with my 4 kids.

My 2nd oldest daughter never believed that BMom did anything wrong, while my other kids absolutely did. At the same time, she (our 2nd oldest) also expressed that she was going to 'save" her biomom (from drugs, depression, bdad, etc) when she was old enough to move out from our home. This went on for 6 years, even with a lot of therapy, hospitalizations, etc. We thought that we had made a huge amount of progress on this front, as she began to express in the last year and a half that she understood that no kid should have to save a parent and that her main goals were to go to college, build a positive life, etc.

We had always told all of our children that TPR means that the BParents are not legally allowed to be with or see the kids due to the issues in bio home (my kids were adopted as older kids & know the issues, and this legal aspect is true in our case), and that it is up to the kids (when they turn 18) to decide if/when they want to initiate contact.

The 2nd oldest made it to 18 & seemed (on many levels) to have made vast improvements in her understanding of her bio parents issues. But, witin 4 weeks of first re-meeting her bio mom (after a year of hiding the fact that she was calling her & talking to her every day for more than 2hrs a day), she asked BMom to send her husband to come & get her from her work. We received a 'middle of the night' text that she had left the state & would explain later.

While your son *might* be ready (or might be feeling gult, obligation, fear, love & a host of other emotions) your daughter is clearly not ready & I agree with you that this has a huge possibility of contributing to a further negative impact on her emotional state.

If the decision is made to go forward, the one positive thing for your daughter may be having this crisis occur while she is (a) still young and (b) still in your home where you can offer tons of support. It is much harder to do anything when they are 18 and decide they are going to do this no matter what you say.

I am sorry if this is too emphatic or harsh - its just that having been thru it, and talking with many other aparents on this forum who've been thru similar events, it is a very tough and confusing thing for the kids involved, especially if the bparent is manipulative and/or if the kids have severe emotional issues.

PS with a manipulative bparent, the last thing I would do is send a letter that most likely will be used against you later. If need be, I would send only the shortest possible message, and would not go into your child's hospitalization at all.