[Original Mike]

When I was in college, one of my professors had a saying that I loved: Life is what happens when you're making other plans. Well, things are happening here and I honestly don't know what to think or do.

As you know, I have had R with me since August. he is a really nice kid. he does well in school, gets along with everybody, is polite and respectful, and causes me NO trouble at all. My SISTER even likes him and allows him over to her house!! Even his worker comments that he's the easiest kid on her caseload and all of the "issues" involved in the case are mom's.

Well, mom has done nothing toward reunification excpet to claim a vast conspiracy led by CPS and the judge. Right now, she and R have phone calls. (She's moved to Texas with her newest "fiance".) She is always the one to call, R never asks to call her. In fact, he rarely even mentions her. Recently, he told his worker that being with me is the "happiest" he's ever been. Even his therapist has noticed a huge change in him since moving in here.

Now comes the dilema. TPR is set for next month and nobody doubts the judge will grant it. R's worker has already approached my about adopting R. He has told her that he wants to stay with me forever (though the idea of adoption has NOT been discussed with him at my request). I am very torn over this. On one hand, I think the world of R and have enjoyed him immeasureably. On the other hand, after the M situation blew up, I vowed never to adopt again.

Part of me says "lets go for it", while the other part says "do tou really want to put yourself through a bunch of crap again like you did with C and M? if you do this, you're just setting yourself up."

I honestly do not know what to do here.

[ksmarch4]

Mike:

I really do not know your entire situation. I just joined the boards late last year and I mostly lurk, but I felt drawn to reply.

My husband and I are hoping to adopt a sibling group and I have been thinking alot about the challenges ahead of us. I know if we get some older children, we will have issues with attachment and such, but I am ready to take it on.

It sounds like you have been through a lot and seem like you are prepared to take what comes your way. It also sounds to me like this kid really loves and respects you. Did you get the same response from the other two you mentioned or did you always have problems with them? I believe that maybe you are being called to adopt this boy. You also have to remember that not all teenage boys are going to be as much trouble as some. Believe me, I had challenges with my step son. He is 21 now and we are finally starting to get along. It was a long road and lots of playing the game of "I have a mom, you are nothing to me." He is finally seeing, (after my husband I kicked him out last year) that I am not so bad and I really did love him and try to do what was best for him all these years. (I have known him his entire life and been with his dad since he was 10.)

I know I don't know all the facts, but if he is doing well and wants to be with you, I say go for it. How would you feel if he was gone? He may not do as well if he were moved again. You seem like a caring person and I know you will do what is best for your family.

[kretzklan]

Mike -
You are such a god-send to that boy. Having a son that age, I simply cannot imagine him going through all the turmoil and I also can't imagine what it would be like to have a well-behaved early teen . I know that you must search your heart, but I say go for it. If it feels like you would be happy to have him in your life and he would be happy to have you - it seems like a fit. I know that you have a million other things going on, I just hope that it can work out. At what point would you bring up adoption with R? Can it continue as a long term foster placement? You've probably answered that, but I missed it.

[waited2long]

Maybe you just need more time? Could you opt for adoption, but ask for a year instead of the usual 6 months? And request that R isn't told until you're ready?

[lucyjoy]

Well, you can't adopt without pain. He will, at some point, make some stupid choices and like most kids, denounce you as his father and be hateful.

But, is worrying about that worth passing up the joy that comes with it?

You enjoyed time with M, and don't think I'm making light of the pain he caused. My oldest son did what M did to you with no warning. I don't think there are too many things more painful then that.

And until M arriveded, C brought you lots of joy. Would you have given that up, knowing what you know now?

It's a lot to consider and kids will break your heart. But, most of the time, the joy is still worth it.

You just have to ask yourself if you want to be R's dad-for better and for worse. Tough decision.

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by Original Mike

I am very torn over this. On one hand, I think the world of R and have enjoyed him immeasureably. On the other hand, after the M situation blew up, I vowed never to adopt again.

M and R sound like apples and oranges to me, but you know if M seemed as promising at the start as R does now.

Reading your post, it sounds to me like you're asking us to tell us what you already know, which is that you should go ahead and adopt R.

[momraine]

Also remember that M was older than R when you got him and that makes a difference.

[aspenhall]

Go For It!

[Lorraine123]

Mike,
I don't think is something that any of us can tell you what to do. Its a decision that you must make for yourself. Lucy had a lot of good points. Children cause pain, especially children like ours. But the bottom line is whether the pain outweighs the pleasure. Would the pain of losing R to another family be too great? We can only live in today because the future with our children is so uncertain. Will they hurt us deeply to the core? Well, there is a good chance of that. Is that chance worth it? I would definitely do this again if I had the chance. So, for me the good is greater than the bad. Hard to believe because I cry most every day. But, for me, its very rewarding. Most of us here have decided that it is worth it.

[Barksum]

No advice, other than only you know what you are willing to risk. If, for you, the risks outweigh the possible rewards then you shouldn't. I think, though, that R has been with you long enough that regardless of what happens in the future, you already are attached to the little guy, so there's heartache ahead. When we love someone they have the ability to hurt us, even unknowingly.

When we were attempting to make some similar decisions our cw suggested that we seek counsel either from a therapist or from a pastor or elder in our church. A neutral third party with whom we could hash out our concerns, debate the pros and cons. More of a sounding board, really, than someone to tell us what to do.

[mrsred]

Mike... my first husband was an abusive jerk. My secnd husband was a mean alcoholic. After number two I never wanted another - I was done.
Somehow I managed to open my heart again and take another chance. Jeff and I have been married for nineteen and a half years now, and he is the best part of me.
My point is, yes, sometimes we get hurt. But don't shut out what could just possibly be the best part of your life because you were burned before. Besides C and M's stories are not yet over. In the long run, the time they spent with you will have a positive impact on their lives. Just because you can't see it now, doesn't mean it isn't so.

[lambeausam]

Mike - First off, I love the quote. Now let me follow with one that I grew up with - "Never say never." While your last adoption was absolutely heart breaking, it doesn't mean this one will be the same. Relationships, whether created by adoption or otherwise, can have such varied results. Ask yourself this...could you stand seeing someone else parenting this young man? Would R ever adapt to having another father?

I know this is a hard decision.

Good luck!

Sam

[Original Mike]

Lucy, as usual, you get right to it. You really need your own radio call-in. You'd be way better than Delilah's syrup-fest every night and you're hotter than Dr. Phil.

I like waited's idea of just not rushing things. Nothing says I have to move on this right now. I can bide my time to see how my feelings change.

[linda512]

You have to do what is right for you and it sounds like not making a decision now makes a lot of sense. But I can't help thinking what will happen to R if you decide not to adopt. Would he have to go to another adoptive home? Or could he stay with you? If he has to move, what will that do to him?

[Indy]

I hear what you are saying. You are kind of stuck. I think it may depend on how the case worker is pushing. Do they want to try and get R adopted or are they willing to wait? As you know, once TPR is completed, they really try to get the child adopted.

As others have said, the pain is there...either way.