[missw005]

Yesterday we had a planned day trip to see some good friends of ours, who have moved an hour away. Their two girls are the same age as the boys, and they grew up together. I was woken up at 5 (thanks to King Tattler JW) to a conditioner mess, of course, and scribbling on my mail and Christmas cards, but we went anyway.
Boys were godawful at friends' house, but luckily these are good friends who are quite adept at dealing with the boys' behaviors. Being with them made me realize how much I missed having them around, as they're not overwhelmed by the boys' behaviors as most of my friends are.
Then we went out to lunch -J was horrid, but Q was okay. Afterwards we went to Target - they each had $$ from grandpa to spend. They'd lost some of it - J had to replace one of the girl's toothpaste as he'd squirted out most of it (yay, now I have two of them doing it) and did who knows what with her toothbrush, so I had him buy her a new one, too.
But they did pretty good in the store - it helped that she and her dh each got a cart, and we split the kids between us, so several times I had no kids and got a break. They picked out their toys and whatnot, checked out, and realized it was later than we'd realized.
They went home, and I'd already promised the boys we'd go to the movies to see Despereaux. I figured we were out of luck, but I did call, and it was starting in a couple minutes, so I said screw it, even though they'd been naughty, this is the nearest movie theatre (an hour's drive from our house), we're here, so let's go. I let them have popcorn and a juice box, no pop or candy.
We got home late, and the boys did seem pretty appreciative that they'd got to go to the movie, even though they'd been in trouble that morning.

So I STUPIDLY thought all would be somewhat well this morning.
No, no, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First of all, J tried to clean up Q's mess, which I somewhat appreciate, but told him not to do again.
Toothpaste everywhere, conditioner all over the clothes in the hamper, mail from my desk scribbled on and ripped up.....I'm sure there's more but I'm crying too hard right now to think of it.

I am stupid, stupid, STUPID. I took them to the dang movies, for crying out loud.

I have no hope this will end. It doesn't matter what I do, what creative chores or punishments I give, sentences he writes, nothing. It doesn't stop.

I don't know why Q hates me so badly that he feels he must do this day after day after day.

I am so sick and tired of being nice and kind and being s*** on by my own children.


I'm not looking for suggestions, just venting.

Happy flippin new year to me.

Sandy

[kretzklan]

I can send true hugs your way this morning as we are in the depths of our own terrible saga here. It is so hard to understand...don't beat yourself up trying to - I don't think there is an answer to "why?"
I'm taking my kids to the movies today because we made these plans with friends and to be honest - I WANT TO GO...it's a couple of quiet hours to not deal with this. Healthy, huh?

[missw005]

Originally Posted by kretzklan

I'm taking my kids to the movies today because we made these plans with friends and to be honest - I WANT TO GO...it's a couple of quiet hours to not deal with this. Healthy, huh?

Completely understand - that's where I was yesterday afternoon when I was thinking "What the heck are you doing? Taking them to the movies when they've been so naughty?"
But I really wanted to see Despereaux, and like I said, the nearest movie theatre is where we were - an hour away - and I knew I wouldn't be driving back down there anytime soon.
And you're bang on - I WANTED TO GO, not only to see the movie, but also to get a quiet break from all the crap.
And I deserved it, thank you very much.
So have a BLAST and have popcorn and candy for me!!!!!

Sandy

[skirbo]

I am very sorry you had such a rough day. I, too, broke down a few times and did fun things with B because I wanted to, not because she had earned the privilege.

But can I ask why he still has access to this stuff rather than it being locked away?

Sarah

[AmyAnne]

Oh goodness. You and Kretz BOTH need a big hug. I'm so sorry this is going on.

[Crissy011]

I'm sorry to hear that you aren't having a good day. Hopefully, the new year will bring good things for you!!! Is there a way to lock that stuff up?? I think that might save you some aggravation!

[lucyjoy]

You are not stupid and sometimes you have to do things in spite of your kids behavior not because they did anything right. You DESERVED to have that time at the movies and the time with your friends.

Sometimes, being a parent to our kids just hurts.

When you feel better, on another day, you can make new strategies for dealing so it doesn't always have to be like this. But for now, just be nice to yourself.

You are not stupid at all, you are resourceful and did something for YOU.

[chelspark1]

Sorry everyone is going through this. This holiday season has been crazy for us with the kids.
Yesterday, I had to run home from work because my son was acusing my husband of choking him. I got home and gave him the phone and told him to call the cops. Of course he didn't because he is a huge liar.
I'm home with the kids today and, honestly, I can't stand the sight of them. I'm tired of their behaviors.

[Crissy011]

Chelspark - that is awful! How old is your son??

[chelspark1]

My son is 15 and my daughter is 14 (they are bio sibs). Been with us for almost two years and the adoption was final six months ago.
Since then their behavior has been out of control. Yesterday was especially scarey. My husband had a bad accident last year and his health hasn't been good since. When he called me at work I thought he was having a heart attack he sounded so bad.

[Crissy011]

Did the behaviors start after the adoption?? Or just escalate? Your poor husband, that is just awful!!

[waited2long]

Sending hugs...

[missw005]

Originally Posted by skirbo

But can I ask why he still has access to this stuff rather than it being locked away?

Because he just finds something else. And it's much easier to clean up shampoo or toothpaste versus vegetable oil, pancake syrup, Tide or whatever else he gets his hands on. In fact, that's how the scribbling/ripping up mail thing started - I'd hidden all the stuff in the bathroom. But I refuse to lock every cabinet in the house. I cannot live that way.

But on a positive note, we're almost out of everything, so he's running out of stuff to use.

We did have a long talk - and - big surprise - he says his issue is that he's angry at me because of what's happened with my family. (we have almost no contact with them) I reminded him that I did allow him to see grandma on Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, which he did concede. But he's also really angry at my niece and nephew, both older teens, for not spending any time with him at all.

I debated about making an excuse, but I decided to tell him the ugly truth: they choose not to spend time with us. They rarely saw us before this all happened, pretty much only family holidays/events (like birthdays) - so I'm not sure what the big deal is. But I reiterated that not seeing us is THEIR choice, and as hurtful as it is, there's nothing we can do to change it.

I also had him write a letter to each of them (with me doing the actual writing), telling them how angry he was for how they're hurting him. It seemed somewhat therapeutic. I told him he could write one anytime, to help get his feelings out (no, not mailing them), and he did like that idea.

And this may sound creepy, but I made him yell at me. I helped him at first - "I'm angry at you mom." (say it louder, Q, like you mean it) "I'M ANGRY AT YOU, MOM!!!" I told him it's okay to be angry at me sometimes, even hate things I do, but that instead of bottling it up inside, to just say it to me (or yell it at me) and get it out and overwith already.

Don't know if any of this sunk in - and I've thought we've come to "epiphanies" before - so who knows.

But I appreciate the support. Heaven knows I need it today.

[aspenhall]

How about a door alarm? so he is confined to his room until YOU let him out.

I'm gladf to hear of another epiphany! Each one matters....they all start adding up little by little...

Have the "Alaskan Coat in Arizona" talk with him, explain the concept of "tools" and next time, you'll have the allegory and key words in place in his brain and can ask him to come up with a better "tool"....or remind him to make sure he's using the right toool for the job...

Does any of this make him feel better? so using a hammer to drive in a screw isn't working??? why not???

Suggest things like this while his defenses are down.

[Lorraine123]

First - Hugs to you. This time of year is hard.

Second - I have learned that I have to do what works for ME. Sometimes that isn't necessarily therapeutic for dd, but it is for me. Take care of yourself.

Third - I agree with Aspen's suggestion of an alarm on his door.