[chelspark1]

I'm sorry, this is probably going to be long.
Without going into details, things have really been going downhill over the last three months with the kids (14 an 15). I've come to the conclusion that they could care less about me or my husband and probably never will. I am done with the sneaky, lying, selfish and fake emotional behavior towards us.
Please don't think I am writing them off - after an incident the other night I have decided that it is necessary for me to change things around here for my own sanity.
It's taking me two days to get my thoughts together to write this and it's still not going to come out right.
I don't like my kids. I try so hard but they take and take and give absolutely nothing in return. I know when my son turns 18 he's going to run right back to his birth family and I've accepted that. But I at least thought I had some relationship with my daughter and there was a brighter future for her. Well, I was wrong. When she looked me straight in the eyes the other night and told me that she doesn't care about me or never will, reality smacked me right in the face.
My husband and I have had many talks over the last few days about how we are going to parent them from here on out. I don't believe in lots of material things but we certainly have exposed them to things and given them great opportunities that we have never had. They are involved in lots of extra cirricular activities (sports, piano lessons etc.) and it doesn't seem that they appreciate any of these. I am paying for my daughter to see a SA counselor (that's right - she didn't come with Medicaid and our insurance won't cover it) and she hates going, tells me she doesn't have a problem and all I hear is laughter coming from the room when she's in with the therapist. So why I am paying for her to go sit there and snow a therapist (she is a master manipulator).
They don't take care of anything we give them (we don't go overboard). They don't appreciate anything we do for them or all the time we spend running around for them.
Now, I know they are teenagers but I feel this goes way beyond that. When two stranger open their hearts and homes to you and you treat them like dirt - this isn't right.
They have never given us a present. Nothing. And they both have small bank accounts with their own money. They have never taken it upons themselves to do anything helpful or nice towards us. So why are we doing all this for them.
I've already decided that piano lessons are stopping immediately and I'm seriously considering stopping therapy since she is not interested in helping herself.
I don't want to care about their schooling anymore. I'm tired of arguing with them about their school work. They don't care so why should I.
I have no desire to give them Christmas presents.
Please don't think I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself. They've been with us for 18 months and are getting worse and worse so I must be doing something wrong.
I am open to all criticism, advice and suggestions from anyone.
And I apologize again for going on like this. I know many of you have been through worse than this and we all seem to be having such a hard time with the holidays. But this is the only group that will truley understand what I am going through and how bad my heart is hurting right now.
Thanks.....

[aMarylandfamily]

First of all - you are not doing nothing right!!! This next generation of youth has a real entitlement attitude as well as lack of respect and caring - and its not limited to just adopted kids with baggage - it is for some of us the children we adopted at infancy and others biological too - you are doing everything right - you care and what comes through loud and clear is that you will parent them - you will just adjust that measure of "parenting" to something acceptable to you to continue and what is required and maybe someday they will return some of the compassion and caring - but know, as I have recently accepted myself, that it may be as late as when they have teens of their own.

In the meantime, come to grips with the good heart and person you are! Then develop a course of life for you which includes them and meeting their needs - those required and some but not overboard beyond that and make a world that makes you happy with yourself and with them as a part of it not the main theme as many of us want for our kids to be but with time and experiences as you are now undergoing are learning sometimes that just isn't possible (wordy again - like normal for me - but hoping the words are getting my thoughts through).

We should start a club for those of us who are at this point and yet know we don't need that club as many of us are here and supporting the others - even those who aren't posting as we all do understand and you have come to the right place - I am here for you and your just writing helped me remember I too am not alone with alot of the feelings, emotions and more that I am transforming into what I can live with.

Hang in there - keep posting and know my hugs are only miniscule of all those I'm sure you'll receive today and even when they are not being worded are always with you and dh too - sometimes its us Mom's who are the caretakers and brunt of our kids actions but the dh's do care too!

[skirbo]

Hugs and empathy. I'm right there with you.

Sarah

[chelspark1]

I know you are Skirbo - when I read your other thread this morning my heart just went out to you.
And thanks for the kind words aMarylandfamily. I've always look forward to reading your replies to my posts

[kay]

Hugs and understanding from me, too. This is so hard, and it's NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

[lovemy6]

Gosh, I could have written your post a couple years ago. We got our kids when they were 10 and 12. Our 12 year old son seemed to bond with us intensely. He was my shadow. I knew he loved me after about six months. He was always showing us his love in meaningful ways. His sister was a different story. She was very standoffish. It wasn't that she didn't show appreciation for what we did with her, it's just that I never felt she really cared on way or the other. I knew she had this "bond" with her bmother and that as soon as she turned 18 she would return to her. She was very superficial and VERY passive aggressive. It was hard to really love her, bc she was so phoney all the time.

DD was in all kinds of therapy. We finally stopped after a few years, bc it was just a way for her to manipulate another person. No one FELT the things she was doing like I did.

Fast forward 4 1/2 years into our placement and HUGE secrets came out! It was devastating to our family. It initiated us going into attachment therapy with our kids. DD was 15 at the time. Everyone told me that AT was going to be a waste of time bc of her age and the issues. We tried regular therapy again bc DCFS refused to pay for AT and we couldn't afford $100 an hour when our subsidy was only $300 a month! Therapy was a huge joke! Therapist couldn't see what the issues were (in other words the problems were in my mind). We were there for about 6 months when I finally told DCFS to pay up or we might not be able to continue with dd (she was in permanent foster care).

Within THREE sessions of AT, my dd had opened up about MORE things than she had in YEARS of regular therapy! It was amazing to watch this child break down and be honest about the feelings she was having. She never spoke anger in a real way, but she did then! It was her deep anger at her situation (which is vERY understandable) and her deep sadness that kept her walls up around her heart.

We were in therapy for 14 months and the difference in her is INCREDIBLE! She will turn 18 next month and we are adopting her and her brother. She told me that she's so lucky to have me as her mom and that I'm her best friend. Something I had NEVER dreamed I'd ever hear from her. Our relationship is incredible! Better than I had EVER dreamed of having.

You need a therapist who really knows what they're doing! Anything less is a waste of time. If you didn't get it in your adoption subsidy agreement, you need to go to DCFS and have it amended to include therapy!

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to you. I lived many years in a similar situation as you and I know the hell it was for me. There is hope though. Our family is proof.

[lucyjoy]

You're not doing something wrong. They just maybe had too much trauma in thier pasts to accept you as you accepted them. It's sad.

There is a point where parenting a non recipical, hateful child becomes more about life skills then relationship. I think you are making a good decision by stopping some of the extras.

It really isn't your fault and I don't know of anything you could have done to change those types of attitudes.

[kretzklan]

My kids are younger - but we did totally cut out extra cirrcular activities. I also felt that I shouldn't be paying the money and to be honest, they weren't into it other than getting to be away from me. While the past few days have been tough (well, aren't they all?) - I have decided to live be the sword. I will be happy in an unhappy situation. It's the only thing that gets me through most days. I do things for myself - and have a great group of people here and IRL that I can talk to who 'get it'...
You didn't do this to them - you are picking up the tab for what others did. Whether it's birth families, orphanages, foster homes - whatever - they came to you broken. You didn't do it. And, you are trying to help them heal. If you don't feel that therapy is working for her - try to find another therapist that will work...someone that doesn't believe you whole heartedly is not helping!
Hugs to you...

[chickymum]

Oh sweetie I feel for you. Everyday I think about how I am such a bad adoptive parent. I can not understand why things are the way they are. I come here then and find so many people describing my daughter to a tee and then I realize its not just me. My daughter loves to steal lie sneak destroy and anything else that will grt to any person in this family. Now either we are both really bad parents doing it all wrong or whatever the reason was that caused our kids to be adopted as older children has caused them to be the way they are. Chin up, its hard.
I think it is good that you are doing what you have to for you, I have such a hard time with this. I need to learn that this is not something that you can take personally. Maybe you need to think the same way

[chelspark1]

Thanks for all your replies.
So, where do I go from here? Do I not just care about their schoolwork and let them suffer the consequences? I don't want to cut out all their extra curricular activities (only the ones that cost me money). I would rather them be involved in something than just hanging out and getting in trouble.
How do I handle giving them gifts when they have no desire to do anything for us?
I feel like I have two boarders living in my house that have no desire to have an emotional attachment to me but expect me to do everything for them.
Thanks

[aMarylandfamily]

Scale back the activities - even allow them to choose one or two among four (four of your choosing) and as far as gifts go - keep it simple ... useful ... and most of all things (inexpensive) that you pick out that you think they might like - be prepared for the moods to follow but keep in mind they are gifts not expectations ...

Hope this thought helps.

[Lorraine123]

Oh Chelspark. How I feel your pain! I could also write your post. I feel more like a therapist, counselor or institutional worker than a mom. And it sucks.
Remember that you don't have to like them. No where is it written that we have to like our kids. It would be nice, but our kids can be very unlikeable.
We do have to like ourselves though. I have learned to take care of myself (somewhat). I will be living with myself long after my daughter has decided she is done with me. I try to always have something planned that I am looking forward to. And I focus on that. It may be a trip to visit friends or it may be as simple as my son's upcoming Christmas choral concert at school (which is tonight by the way). I have things to look forward to that are long term and short term. You need something that you can think about and it will bring a smile to your face. Otherwise, you get totally sucked into the black hole.
You don't have to give them things. We are required to clothe, feed, shelter and educate our kids. My daughter got nothing for her last birthday. She has never given me a gift yet always expects and expects from me. I was feeling used and I got tired of it. I doubt she learned from that, but I sure felt better
We put our children in extra curricular activities for ourselves. Its fun to cheer at the games and go to the recitals. In my case, my daughter gets nothing from these activities, so, if it pleases ME I continue to do it. Otherwise, no.
You are a good mom. Your children were traumatized before they came to you and often they are too damaged for our love to help. You didn't cause it, you are just trying with all that you have to fix it. Sometimes it can't be fixed.

[katie52]

But havent they only been with you guys for a year and a half? That is not very long and they probably do not trust that you will really be their family. They still have their walls up and are protecting themselves from the hurt they are used to. I understand that it is frustrating, but they are teens. They are not used to giving to others or doing for others. YET.

[aspenhall]

I think you need to scale back their AWAY TIME and eliminate all the extras...and also get an Attachment Therapist FAST!!!!!

It took 2-3 years for my dd to show any genuine emotion or feeling towards me...and she was only 4.

[Kansas Girl]

nothing new to add....lots of good replies. We've been there as of late with our AS, even after really good attachment therapy. He got nothing from us for Christmas this year, and there have been times as of late that he's been more of a boarder than a family member. Actually, he ate peanut butter for Christmas dinner while DS and I ate steak....the only thing I said to him was that "most kids would prefer being part of the family before eating peanut butter for Christmas dinner!" Since then he's done a complete turnaround and is once again much more respectful, compliant and fun to be around. He has very few extracurricular activities - maintaining emotionally and getting through his schoolwork adequately are more than enough for him, even now. I still love my son intensly and am still hopeful for the best for him, but I've had to detach myself in a way and realize at this point (almost 17) that it's his life to live.

good luck
Fran