[Again!]

So both my kids at home (9 and 11) have been on lying, stealing, cheating etc sprees in the last couple months and it is of course worsening with the holidays. I am seriously considering a very sparse Christmas morning, ie just the few presents I have stored up already and no more. I have also considered other options, like some wrapped empty boxes with a comment in each one (this is the return on a lie, this is what you get back when you steal etc). And I've considered no presents at all, but a lecture, and then to make myself feel better a Walmart giftcard for each one and the comment that I love them even when they are acting up. Finally, there is the Christmas as usual option, (normally one big/expensive gift and a large number of small things wrapped separately) which I must admit is probably more for my benefit than theirs. What to do? I hate to miss out on the fantasy....normal excited little kids on Christmas morning, LOL.

[lucyjoy]

There are so many different answers to this question. I think you should decide what would feel best to you and make the holiday good for you. I honestly don't think the kids get the love messages or the accountability ones when it comes to Christmas gifts. I do what works for me.

I know there were times when my kids got very practical gifts rather then fun ones and honestly, I felt that's what that child could deal with.

Hope you find a way to enjoy your holiday.

[aspenhall]

Don't overwhelm them with gifts....if you have 3-5 items total for each, THATS PLENTY.

Also, remember, what you give, can also be taken away. My parents made the mistake of not ever getting us much that we liked (or letting us do anything), so there wasn't anything to take away or ground us from (leverage) when we misbehaved.

I say get them what they like, then if they hadn't paid back the things they stole, the gift can be returned or hocked to get the $$$ to pay people back for the stolen or ruined stuff.

That way you're the good guy because you did get them a wonderful present they love, but they also still owe consequencing for their poor choices.

Lying doesn't have much to do with presents or items logically. But you can charge them for your time monitoring them (no trust) (paid by selling off the gifts).

I'd say keep it simple, and have anything wonderful /cool come from you, let santa give the generic stuff.

Also I like the idea of having an empty box as a lesson (but do it before xmas, not on that day) I used the analogy of an empty gift to show my daughter how being deceitful and sneaky feels. And to give her a concrete example of the damage she does when she deceives people into believing something that isn't true or real. I explained just this week, that after many empty gifts, the real ones full of love aren't even opened, because you expect another empty gift. And also when you get an empty gift that took time and effort (effort to deceive) It makes the follow up remorse or apology like a picture or expression of love feel empty and small too, because less effort was used to apologize, than was used to deceive. She got it, and she's working on it....I'm sure we'll still have problems, but when I used this analogy, she felt real guilt and remorse equal to the pain she caused, instead of just a minor reaction. She actually got sick thinking about how hurtful she'd been. She's never realized the magnitude of her actions and how it affects people realistically.

Also keep in mind, they may be reacting to the pressure of "be good or you won't get anything". My dd has a total meltdown when she feels she can't live up to the high expectations. She'll not only quit trying, she'll actually get worse as she gets angry at herself, and fears she'll never be good enough!

Use this experience of a bad holiday season, to show/tell them that no matter how bad it gets, you'll always love them and take care of them. Cut down on the material things, and do activities (like for 12 nights of xmas) instead. Keep explaining in detail how it isn't the things they get that matter, it's the memories you're making....ask them what memories they'd like to make....help them focus on something outside themselves for a bit. React to bad choices with "Oh dear, is the the best memory you can make? What could we do different to make it a better memory?"

It may not go perfect this year, or even close....but you're laying the foundation for the future. After several Christmases that happen this way, they may get the point and start to change.

[kretzklan]

Our presents are already under the tree and each one of them has had a BIG issue recently...so they had to pick one gift to donate. They didn't get to unwrap it - but they had to take it straight to our local "toys for tots" donation site. Boy, they didn't like that. We are having a small Christmas this year and plan on being able to continue to donate things after Christmas for bad behavior choices. I am writing them a letter for their stocking (they don't believe in Santa) and letting them know that our love is not shown with gifts or things...but with safety and concern. Good luck.

[o2b30again]

I asked someone with 9 children how they ran Christmas and her response was "if three gifts were good enough for Jesus then three were good enough for her children" I thought that this was a wonderful way to explain to children about their number of gifts getting dropped down etc.

We are just finding that our children have SO MUCH and really don't need or want it. I understand your desire to prove a point about behavior but I wouldn't do so on Christmas.

[aspenhall]

One family I know has a tradition of putting a "gift" for Jesus in a small box. They each write on a scrap of paper something they promise to do better at for the next year as a gift to Christ. Something that would please Him. Then the small box is placed in the Christmas Tree, and the following year they pull out their strips and read them and make new promises for the box (or small stocking)

[Lorraine123]

My daughter's birthday was last month and she got no gifts. We acknowledged her birthday, but there were no gifts. I hope she understood a little of the "you get what you give" lesson.

Christmas, however, is different. While its tempting to give my daughter nothing, I feel that Jesus gave us the greatest gift ever and we certainly didn't deserve it. So, I feel that Christmas gifts don't have to be earned. Now, with that said, she is getting gloves, a sweater, socks, shampoo, and one fun thing (an mp3 player). But its stuff that I would have to get her anyway.

[waited2long]

I think I would celebrate Christmas as usual and find a different way of teaching them the lessons you feel they need to learn.

Perhaps grounding their toys for a week? Grounding video games? Create some sort of projects/chores? Could they volunteer somewhere? Or, could you take them to some rural (safe) roads to pick up trash?

Use other things I've read here, like "who wants chocolate cake?" Then not give them any, explaining that you thought they were lying... The Trust Jar???

[lucyjoy]

I know I feel very resentful giving gifts to a child who won't appreciate them and destroy them-so I go more practical.

I'm also not sure I'd want to give a child something then take it back or tell them they can't have it. It depends on the kid, I suppose but I know some of my kids would see that as further proof that they aren't deserving or that I do not mean what I say. Because they are so materialistic and don't understand love, giving something and taking it away would in their minds, equate to me only loving them when they're good. Giving them less to start with does not have the same effect.

They're use to having things in life given to them only to be taken back. I try to avoid adding to that.

[momraine]

because we are doing a trip as our big gift this year, I am going with cheap stuff. Socks, shampoo and stuff I would have bought them otherwise, though maybe not the brands I would have bought, we have found Hannah Montana shampoo as well as Batman body wash. Not what they normally get. I also did some dollar store stuff. Last night I saw big rolls of bubblewrap for a dollar a roll. I bought four rolls. I am going to wrap them and give each kid thier own roll. (they love that stuff!) I am also doing a few silly things. I am always joking about giving my daughter a rock, since she begs me to tell her what she's getting. SO her first gift will be a rock. (we number gifts so choose the order in which they are opened) My oldest who always complains he can't find socks, will have socks in his first several gifts. (he really wont' mind) I know M will break his toys, so he got nothing expensive, but some dollar store stuff, because for him he does equate the getting gifts a little to love. So he needs to get some toys. He will not get the 10,000 dollars he put in his letter to santa or an ipod. Everything else he asked for ended in Just like S's. S has a promise ring, so M wants one (minus the girlfriend) he also has a "man of God" ring and so M wants one. Those rings are not cheap but I finally found some cheap rings. I know he will loose them, but I will get him what he wants, just not exactly. I think he will be thrilled and since I got them at a party favor store I have extra's so if he looses it and is behaving well I can give him another. LOL

[sparkle1908]

Could they volunteer somewhere?

I wouldn't take their gifts but I totally agree with having them volunteer throughout the year...let them see that there are people that have it worse than they do and that lying, stealing, etc. could have horrible consequences for their future and that the things they get are not mandatory...maybe they'll get a better appreciation for what they have at home!!