[Hokte333]

Hi all...I have been lurking for a couple of weeks and figured I would post. My husband and I will be starting our MAPP classes mid-January and are very excited. We plan on adopting from the foster care system. We are looking at sibling groups that are teenagers. I'm trying to read up on things and situations we may encounter. I've been reading up too. Is there something we can do to prepare ourselves for adding to our family? Oh, and we already have kids...18(in 3 weeks) year old son and daughters that are 16(in 5 weeks) and 11. Thanks in advance.

Tammie

[lucyjoy]

I would suggest reading Greg keck's Adopting the Hurt Child.

With teens, it's important to know if the teen wants to be adopted or not. Sometimes they do not and get pushed into it.

I would be careful adopting children older then your youngest. Younger children often mimic older children and teens in the system have often seen, heard, and exeprienced things they may not realize aren't okay for an 11 year old to hear or do.

I'd also suggest preparing your other kids for the things that could occur so they know to come to you or how to handle situations that may arrise. While not all kids are abusive, there is always a risk of a child hurting another child. Having your other children be aware that the new kids coming in may have experienced abuse and how to deal with any advances or abuse toward them should that happen.

Good luck

[AmyAnne]

To prepare, as soon as your MAPP classes start, start researching respite care, because you will need it at some point. Find your local doctor and dentist who take medicaid and get your name on file there... it's a pain in the butt to find a doctor accepting new patients who takes medicaid.

I second Adopting the Hurt Child, but also recommend h Love and Logic for Teens by Foster Kline and Adopting Older Children by Claudie Jewett Jarrett.

[Hokte333]

Thanks for the advise and book suggestions. I'll get those you mentioned. I'm assuming respite care is someone the children go to for a short time? Would I need that for older children? I guess that would depend on the issues of the children right?

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by Hokte333

Thanks for the advise and book suggestions. I'll get those you mentioned. I'm assuming respite care is someone the children go to for a short time? Would I need that for older children? I guess that would depend on the issues of the children right?

My son is 13 months old and I use respite for him (very medically fragile). Really, it's good to have a break every now and then. You could very well need respite.

[AmyAnne]

If your child is in foster care, you can't leave them with anyone who is not an approved respite care provider.

[kretzklan]

As mentioned above - prepare your children at home as well. My youngest kids are not physically abusive, but none the less - living with siblings that have attachment disorder has wreaked some havoc on our oldest child. I would be careful about adopting older than your youngest also because it would be hard for the 11 year old to stand up to kids older than her in most ways.

[momraine]

The sad truth is that older kids who are in foster care probably have been abused, physically and/or sexually, and have probably had some neglect. They have seen and heard of things, you probably have not! They may see your 11 year old as an easy target. They may be in counseling or have mandatory visits with other siblings not placed with them or bio relatives and so you will need to be sure your schedule is flexible. I would say the chances of them having issues is very, very high. They may have lived in several homes already and won't trust easily. They may be very manipulative and experts at manipulating others and may threaten your bio kids. I would be very careful if you get kids older than any of yours to not leave them alone together at all for a long time, until you know them well.

[chickymum]

I am with the others. Adopting older than your youngest can be devastating. Please consider this. You are wonderful to want to do this for teen children that need it but your heart will change if/when you see that your 11 year old has been put at risk or in a living situation that he/she is unable to cope with.
Older adopted children have been through things that many of us cannot even comprehend. Our bio children have been protected from those things therefore are not strong enough to deal with someone who IS trying to deal with those things. If the bios are older ,then they are able to make a stand but if they are younger it is not so easy.

Put it this way, young hurt children present a massive challenge for prepared adults, a healthy child who suddenly is living underneath a hurt child will feel it worse.

Consider adopting a little younger. There are many out there that need homes too.

[Kerbchek]

Welcome Hokte333... I think you've already done some things to get prepared by signing up for the class and coming to this forum. I'm glad I found this forum before I took the PS-MAPP class. I was able to come up with new questions while I took the class, and having heard people's stories here on the board helped me to understand some of the things discussed in class better... I had taught special education for years, so I already thought I knew a lot (and I do still believe my eyes were more wide open than some going into this... but still I learned TONS!)

I learned so much about myself as I took the class. I learned so much about foster kids and issues they may have from taking that class and from getting to know people here on the board. I hope you have instructors as good as the ones I had... the longer you're around this stuff, the more it makes sense...

...I too thought I wanted to be a foster parent for teenagers... I actually am, and love it very much... but now I'm thinking I'd only want younger kids, perhaps because I have J (adopted him a couple years ago) and his emotional/functioning age is less than 14... so I'd be thinking of kids younger than his emotional functioning age so I can stay in age order... that whole concept makes much more sense to me now than it did before I joined this group and took the class and got my kids I have now(as one example)...