[HappyHopefulMommy]

There are times that I have a tantrummer and I let them tantrum in their room. But, there are also times I feel it more appropriate to "hold" them. It is so tricky and I have heard some of you talk about it. But, what is the best way? My kids are 2, 4, 5 and 7. I usually sit on the floor with my legs open and they sit in from of me with their backs to me. Then I can hold their arms while I cross their arms in from of them. And if they are kicking I can cross my legs on top of theirs. This usually works, though somtimes I have to reposition them as they are trying to get away. As soon as they are done screaming and trying to hurt them self or me, I let them sit on their own. What do you guys do?

[AmyAnne]

That's exactly how I hold my kid. You do have to look out for headbutting though, they'll try and smack you in the mouth with the back of their head.

In the event that he's too out of control (like really trying to harm me, I will use a hold similar to the police when they arrest someone, but only in an emergency, and I get him out of it and back to the hold you described as quickly as I can

[HappyHopefulMommy]

I have been head butted, but for now they can't quite reach my mouth. But it does hurt pretty bad in the chest too. So far it has not been super bad with head butting. I usually get the using the finger nails as best they can to hurt me, scratch me, or pinch me. Then I put their hands in fists and hold mine over their hands.

[lucyjoy]

It might also be beneficial when they stop tantrumming to hold them in your arms like you would an infant or if comforting a child. I find that often once they have released some rage, they are more open to letting me in to their hearts a little bit or more able to use words to talk about what's going on with them.

[ajjhmf]

I agree with Lucy. I found that after my son was calm, it was the best time to cuddle with him and process WHY he was tantrumming.

[AmyAnne]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

It might also be beneficial when they stop tantrumming to hold them in your arms like you would an infant or if comforting a child. I find that often once they have released some rage, they are more open to letting me in to their hearts a little bit or more able to use words to talk about what's going on with them.

Excellent point, Lucy

[Lorraine123]

I do exactly as described above. But, I quickly learned that a raging child full of adenaline is very strong!!! I've been head butted and it caused my nose to bleed, so watch out for that too. I don't release until I'm sure she won't hurt herself or me. Then I do as Lucy described and take her in my lap and tell her I love her.

[HappyHopefulMommy]

Thanks - I just did the comforting thing after the tantrum and it helped. Do you do anything when they scream at the top of their lungs while tantrumming? I can only take that 6 inchs away from my ears for so long.

[AmyAnne]

I would invest in earplugs. With the screaming, I show NO REACTION to it in the negative. I might say "I hear your anger" or "It's okay, you're safe here"

[atouchofheaven]

for the head-butting, you could prepare yourself when you know it's coming and grab a pillow to put on your chest. and the scratching, if you tuck their arms under their elbows when you cross their arms and hold their wrists they shouldn't be able to scratch you. there is training on this kind of stuff. you could look into it. there's two methods, one is called PMT (physical/psychological management training) and TCI (therapeutic crisis intervention). i took both of them when i worked in a school for kids with behavior and emotional disorders. a training program will teach you how to restrain safely so you won't hurt your child or yourself. good luck.

[momraine]

The only thing different was in my training they had me cross my arms and not cross the childs. They had us hold the child's wrist in what they called a handcuff hold, not hard enough to bruise, but they could not get loose. I was in a school situation and our rule was we had to sit on the floor holding the child as described leaning on a wall or the side of a bookshelf and facing an open door. I tell you the looks I got from parents of normal kids who walked by in the hall while I held a screaming, cussing six year old like that. Our rules were we could not have any of the child's bones crossing each other. Something about the possibility of a broken bone, but the same rules were used for older kids.

[qs mom]

I actually do it differently. Of course, I do everything differently. hehe

I sit on the floor with my son on my lap, facing me. He has to straddle me with his legs behind me. I wrap my arms around his upper arms, essentially pinning his arms to his side. I then 'rest' my head next to his and rock side to side. With my head on his, he can't head butt me. When he was younger, he bit me on my arm. I usually talk to him quietly while rocking and tell him I love him and kiss his face. He usually screams at me and gets mad while I kiss him. I just keep doing it. He ends up melting, crying and hugging me tightly.

[atouchofheaven]

qsmom, that's a good one, although not appropriate in a professional setting i do something similar with my son, since he's small enough. but i like the idea about putting your head near his and rocking and talking.

momraine, that's interesting about the not crossing the arms. in both techniques i was trained in we crossed the arms for small children. their arms i mean, not ours. and it works really well if the child is small enough. but i've gotten the same looks while holding kids in school settings. but sometimes there's no choice. i worked in one school where we had older kids too and had to do take-downs and face down holds to high schoolers! that was scary. i quit that job in the first year because it was dangerous and very stressful. and i didn't like holding the bigger kids. i felt it was wrong somehow. if an older child is having that much trouble, that's what the cops are for. not me. IMHO.

[qs mom]

I agree, I only do it with my own child. Our district does not allow 'holding' a child. I had to write a special permission letter for my son's kindergarten teacher and principal to allow them to hold my son. We had a very special relationship with them and I trusted them wholeheartedly. They truly had a very deep love for my son.

She actually placed him between her legs facing out because he was a kicker. His shoes were the first things to go!

I miss them, he's in a new school this year.

[aspenhall]

My best friend worked as an aide ina special ed classroom....and had her jaw broken twice and is in perpetual pain now....because of the hold you're describing...

I broken nose would be tolerable, compared to the jaw issues she now has.