[ajjhmf]

Okay, so having younger kids, I have been baffled by the way teens are dealt with by law enforcement. But today, I have just stunned by how our elementary school deals with violence....

J PUNCHED a 4th grader today when he went to the restroom. The kid did not hit him back, but followed J back to his classroom and told his teacher. So what does the teacher do? Send J to the principal? Call me? NO!

I got a note in the planner and an e-mail asking me to address with this at home. Well, at home, HE DOESN'T DO THIS. I honestly don't know what they expect me to do.

ARG!!!!!!!

[momraine]

We dealt with this last week. DD gave a boy a black eye. Now, honestly it's not quite as bad as it sounds. The kids had been told to line up and he was squating on the floor doing something, she told him to move and he said to go around, so she started batting at him with the sleeves of her sweater. The sweater happened to have a big wooden (or fake wood) button on the cuff. The teacher calls me and tells me he is not going to write her up since he did not see the incident, but the boy does have a black eye and his mom is very upset about it. The boy claims she punched him five times, she says she only hit him with a sleeve. (this was before we noticed the button on the sleeve) He also mentions that she had hit kids before, but he had ignored it! He finally admits that he ignored it becuse she was a girl. (also just about the smallest in the class and is sometimes in a wheelchair) I called dh who went up to the school and pulled her out of class and made the teacher write her up. It just about killed her this weekend when Miley (Hannah Montana) was singing in the parade and she could hear it from another room but could not watch. And then at half time during the football game the Jonas brothers sang.
Of course dd who has been begging to be homeschooled, tells me that this kind of thing would not happen if I would homeschool her. (we are thinking about it, but for academic reasons) Anyway, I asked about her little brother, because she gets in trouble for hitting him on occasion. Her suggestion was that he move out of the house, along with the older brothers. LOL She has a bit of a temper when things don't go her way. Anyway I could not beleive that they had not told me about the previous incidents and that they were not going to write her up!

[Singlemom619]

I'm a middle school teacher in a rough area. Last year I alone broke up a fight between 2 6th graders. One boy had the other in a head lock and was punching him in the face. There were 30 kids standing around watching (and a few staff members that could see and didn't even step forward to do anything) blood everywhere... I stopped it and separated them.

The aggressor was mad because the day before (20 hours before) the victim had spit his gum out the bus window and it landed near the aggressor.

The aggressor got 3 days out of school suspension.

This was the FOURTH time the kid had gotten in trouble. If it was the first time he would have had ONE DAY of IN SCHOOL suspension.

The student was mine - I liked him and I knew he had issues and needed help but no one would help him. BUT all that the students have learned from this is that you CAN get violent and there are no real consequences.

[lucyjoy]

Well, normally they would suspend a child for this. If it were me, he'd be on belt loop supervision for a couple days and sentenced to what I call community-family service(hey, assault is a crime). My kid gets a minimum of 30 days but that might be too long for J. I assign chores or trash pick up in the nieghborhood or whatever works for me and the child in trouble.

Sorry the school dumped this back on you.

[ajjhmf]

I'm thinking the same thing, Lucy. I'm too angry to do much tonight, so he's confined to solitary in his room. After that, he will lose all priviledges and be on chore duty until further notice with a minimum sentence of 2 weeks.

I did contact the school and I hope they take action, but of they don't we will be. I don't really understand why they didn't do anything today.

[chelspark1]

Sorry you are going through this. It's so fustrating.
I was at parent-teacher conferences last Monday night. Three of my DD teachers told me that she has given them some "attitude" this year when asked to do something. I told them I need to be contacted when this happens so I can correct her behavior (we have been having problems with her lately). They told me they wouldn't do it because "all teenagers act this way". Ummm, well MINE won't if I can help it.
Last year DS wrote F*** You all over his arm in pen during school. When they called me to tell me this I asked what his punishment was. Their response "well, we're not going to give him any because he was so nice about letting us wash it off his arm". WHAT????? First of all, you washed it off for him and you're not giving him detention because of it. I asked them to give him detention and they refused to do it so I held my own form of detention with him at home.

[athikers]

Wow... here a child would be either suspended or expelled for punching another child. I can't believe they would not do ANYTHING at all. I understand that zero tolerance isn't always the answer either...but, this is like 100% tolerance.

[Kerbchek]

I'm sorry you are having to address these issues... I think writing a note to you in the planner was an inappropriate way of handling this situation. How could a phone call be so difficult... wow.

[qs mom]

What the heck is in the air? Q punched someone on Tuesday last week in the afterschool program. I got a phone call and he was suspended from the after school program for 2 days.

I posted on it in another thread. He was defending himself and of course, he's the one to get caught.

We're walking a fine line right now - no hitting, but defend yourself.

[momraine]

At least I got a phone call, but I am shocked that it's happened before with no call or note or anything. What is happening? Hmm, maybe this ignoring stuff in elementary is why kids are getting violent him high school.

[Barksum]

I think it depends on the teacher. 'Policy' doesn't seem to mean much, unless someone wants to use it. When we had a child in public school I was utterly appalled at how misbehaviors were dealt with. Actually, how they were NOT dealt with. It also seemed to depend on the child - some kids got into trouble automatically (guilty until proven innocent) and other kids never got into trouble regardless of their behavior (just innocent because).

So no, this does not surprise me. I'm sad that this is happening, but I think if you want communication you will have to make it happen. Perhaps a call or email every day is in order. This is not fair or right or equitable...but J is your primary concern.

The teachers, no matter how concerned (or not), seem unable to communicate effectively with you. I think you need to step up and hold them accountable - in the nicest way possible, of course. Since you can't rely on them or J to tell you how each day has gone and you are concerned about J's issues going unaddressed then I think it is reasonable to ask directly each day for a daily accounting until his behaviors stabilize. Perhaps if he knows that you were in such close contact this would help him understand the boundaries better? This might even make him feel more secure?

I hope this doesn't sound nasty, as you know I don't want to add to your burden! I just don't think you can depend on the teachers and so you would have to step up and make a daily report happen. Doing the notebook, or waiting for the teacher to contact you hasn't seemed to work well, so this just sounds like a logical next step to me. Perhaps I'm too Type A, but this is what I do with many of my dealings with various things. People routinely don't do what they say they will or are supposed to do, so....

[momraine]

Is J smaller than his classmates or anything like that? I know our teacher admitted he had been ignoring P's hitting and pushing because she is a girl and small and "disabled". (mostly the girl part) I know J is not a girl, but I was wondering if there was something that made the teacher want to "give him a break" or something. Could it be that he is being picked on some and the teacher kind of felt that he was standing up for himself? I don't know. I do know that with my P she is just plain bossy and likes things to go her way. She is also frustrated because she is struggling in school. The irlens thing is helping, but she is already so far behind.

[Lylac]

No advice just hugs!

[m2000]

Holidays are notoriously hard for our kids - I see an increase in all ick behaviors for the entire month of Dec. (add Thanksgiving to that and we have 2 months). My plan of attack is to increase "touch" (drive by hugs, eye contact with a smile, bake cookies and feed them to him...etc)...anything to break the circuit (thats what we call it - "circuit breakers").

Maybe consider leaving all the discipline up to the school and take the time at home to help him come up with what he will do *at school* to help himself get through this hard time. I've found that a dose of empathy and a bit of love and logic helps sometimes...not all the time but it might be worth a try. My little guy (hes 8) turns into a 2 - 3 yr old this time of year (and at almost every holiday - and in the spring when two of his placement changes happened)...so I try to deal with him as if he's 2. A 2 year old who hits has different needs than a 9 yr old who hits.

Have you explored what Christmas means to him? I wonder what stressors are going through his head about that. My son obsesses about what he might or might not get, who he might see, what everyone else is getting, not to mention all the feelings he has about family losses and what his "other" family is doing this time of year. Too much stress for him and it certainly comes out one way or another. I really like your rocking chair idea (in your other post)...go for it!

I hope things let up soon - sorry its getting so hard.
M

[shavon]

I dealt with this last year with a little girl that was here.

It was not unusual for me to get an e mail from her teacher at least a couple of times a week. The story was always the same, she spit, punched, pulled hair, took things that did not belong to her and the list just went on from there..

I was frusturated at the teacher and others involved because they would always say that they would rather me deal with it because she was a foster child and didnt want School to be a bad experience...I finally told them that while she was at school she was their responsibility and that I was already having a hard time with bonding issues with her and if she came home every day to me punishing her for things she did at school things would never get better.. After they decided to correct bad behavior at School things got sooo much better. She turned into a sweet little girl who got along with everyone.. She just needed to know that someone cared enough to discipline her when things were not going her way..

I know this probably didnt help at all but at the same time I think that teachers expect the parents to take care of school issues at home...I dont...Let them be the bad guys.