[vegaschristina]

I'm a foster-adoptive mom and my oldest is starting to have some problems. I've started the process to have her evaluated by the school district and I'm also thinking of looking into private counseling. Is there anything else I should consider?

Nik is 5 years old and I've had her since she was 32 days. Her bmom never fought TPR and only had a few visits ever until after the adoption, when we started fostering her bio-brother. Once we started fostering Bubba, we had semi-regular visits, and when she was about 3 1/2, I wasn't as careful as I should be, and I let it slip that Bubba's bmom was also hers (she's a really smart cookie and she figured it out from what I thought was cryptic speaking). Anyway, we had semi-regular visits with their bmom until she had the baby (we're also fostering her) and shortly after the baby was born, bmom stopped all visits and stopped working her case plan. In April, we went to TPR and the bmom & bdad fought it, deciding the day of trial to relinquish. We had a goodbye visit in April and we had another visit the 1st of November.

In September, my dad passed away and Nik was crushed by her Papa passing. She also knows that her Grandma Bonnie (my MIL) passed before she was born.

Every week, at least 3 times a week, Nik's having crying fits because she's missing Papa, Grandma Bonnie or her bmom. When I say a crying fit, I mean crying for over an hour, hysterical, inconsolable crying.

Everything to her is drama to extremes. A common question dh and I ask is whether 5 is too young for PMS. Whenever she starts crying, I always ask her the same thing...tell me a happy memory. Sometimes it'll be 3 memories, sometimes 5, but the hope is that it will distract her from the sadness. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

I do know the bmom has a mental illness (I think it's borderline personality). Any suggestions? I'm really worried about her.

[c.a]

Five is not too young for therapy. Maybe a counselor would help her and you get though this difficult time. Is there a play therapist in your area?

Sometimes we look for the unusual when the simple is in front of us. I have friend who is a Dr. who always says, "Don't look for Zebras when there is a pony in front of you."

My first thought would be that she is grieving the loss of her grandfather and confounding it with other issues.

I don't think that trying to distract her from her grief is helpful. It sends a message that her feelings are not important or are not valid or that there are things that she just shouldn't talk about with you. I do think that how you communicate with her about loss and grief now will set the stage for your relationship with her as an adult.

Are you also helping her address it directly? Talk about grandpa, let her know that it is ok to be sad and to miss him (and to talk about her bio mom). There are lots of great books for kids her age that talk about losing a loved one - and adoption. And talk about other losses as well.

So many times on these forums, I see adoptees talk about their parents not being able to talk about their adoption and their feelings of loss. It is often "my adoptive parents just never wanted to talk about it".

Talk talk talk. Let your daughter know that it is ok to miss her grandpa. It is ok to have feelings (whatever they are) about her birth and adoptive history. Start now teaching her that she can talk to you about anything and that you will listen without trying to distract her.

This is hard stuff. And I am sure that you are still grieving the loss of your dad. Are you sharing with her how you feel about the loss? Are you grieving with her?

Good luck. Her loss is still very new. And so is yours, Are you taking care of yourself? Tell us more about your dad. What was he like as a grandpa? How will you remember him? What memories would you like her to keep and her siblings to keep?

[athikers]

I think combining her bmom in there is normal. The grief of adoption supposedly re-surfaces with every major change in life. Losing grandpa would be a major change! The three day a week crying fits seem extreme to me and I would be worried she has depression, even though she's young.

[kretzklan]

Even at such a young age - be sure to let her know it's ok and even healthy to grieve when you lose someone you love (as someone mentioned above). She has a lot to be sad about...so much has happened in her little life. I like your idea about happy memories, but I would try that at a calm time - a time when she can work harder to remember them. Maybe you could make a couple of projects - boxes. Make a happy box - with pictures of happy times, things she loves (rocks, feathers) - glue it, sequin it, color it...point out to her that papa can go in this box also...he made her happy.
Then make a sad box - let her decide what things she wants to put in there. Again, papa can be in her because she is sad that he is gone. Use the boxes to talk about how it is that a person can make you sad and happy...how you can choose to remember the good stuff and smile and then sometimes you remember the sad fact that he's gone and want to cry.
Try to get her to discuss the sad box at calmer times. We always make the boxes when something happens in our lives - deaths, moving...my oldest still has his from years ago. Over time they come out less and less - but they let the kiddo know it's ok to look at and cry when they need to...

[lucyjoy]

You need to help her use her words. Also, with her grief might be the fear that YOU will go away too. It might be worth talking to a counselor that can give you suggestions on how to help your daughter through her grief.

Rather then destract her, why not share with her YOUR sadness as well. Let her know you miss her grandfather too. Remind her that she has YOU right here and that you have HER.

[vegaschristina]

I'm sorry, I just read what I wrote, and I put that dad died in September. I should have written that he died in September of last year! I do want her to know she can come to me, so when I try to distract her from the sadness, it's not to imply that she shouldn't come to me, but that I want her to focus on happier memories.

I like the idea of the happy/sad boxes. I'll get some boxes for us to do this.

Tell us more about your dad. What was he like as a grandpa? How will you remember him? What memories would you like her to keep and her siblings to keep?

He was an amazing man and a wonderful Papa. My heart breaks that my youngest won't have any memories of him. We tell them stories all the time about him and how much he loved them. We tell him about the funny things he did and the ways he made us smile.

I guess if it was only a few months, this would seem more normal, but he's been gone for over a year now.

[lucyjoy]

Have these craying fits been going on for a year or did the recently start up again? My kids are very sensory triggered and times of year trigger memories that cause regressive behavior.

Is she really sad and crying or is she faking it for some kind of attention? It might be best to just give her a quick hug, say I'm sorry you are sad. When you are feeling better, please come help me draw pictures.

If she is truely crying sad tears and has been for a prolonged period, it might be time to consult a professional concerning depression.