[meshsgrl]

Baby Girl, my 3 yr old that I am hoping to adopt (TPR Dec 23) is giving me a really difficult time with eating!
She is a quiet,stubborn child... ( I also have a tantrummer, also age 3) but when she decides she doesn't to do something she WONT do it! You could offer her the moon, or take away her most prized possesion and unless she happens to be in the "mood" it won't make a difference to her.

This is the pattern I see... she will eat fine for a day or so, then sudden, she will eat a bite of her food and just sit and watch to see my reaction. At first I would let her eat what she wanted then when the meal was over I would take away whatever she didn't eat, but now she is eating so little that I somehow have to get her to eat more. I know its a control battle and I refuse to engage.
My game plan for the last week or 2 has been this....
if she doesnt eat and I know that I have several hrs in my schedule, then she has to sit until she is ready to eat, I make it her problem, I dont get upset or bug her, just let her sit with her food. If I have to leave and she still hasnt eaten then the food goes in the fridge until the next meal. Today for example we had chili for lunch, which she normally loves... she ate maybe 3 bites, then left the rest on her plate and sat there for a good 2 hrs... but then I had to leave so the chili was put in the fridge, she chose pancakes for dinner... (family favorite) and now is still sitting here 2.5 hrs later and hasn't eaten a bite of the chili, which she has to eat before she can eat her pancake.

Any other advice or tips for me... she is a tiny petite little girl....

[Lylac]

Kids go through stages like this. Lyla wouldn't eat much at meal time. So we'd leave food out for her to get whenever she was hungry. She'd eat off and on all day.

[aspenhall]

I cleared my schedule and made food time last all day if need be. I explained it as if she didn't eat, then she wouldn't have the energy to play anyway, so she may as well sit there.

Then I started telling her that she needed x amount of vitamins and nutrition from this food, and x from that one...and got her to be on her own team when it comes to the fuel her body needs.

If all else fails, simply remove the plates of food once dinner is over, and give everyone ice cream who finished (don't warn her that there's dessert)

Say nothing about her not finishing when you serve the ice cream, just assume she's too full for ice cream since she didn't finish. Don't allow her to whine until you give in either. Stick to your guns. One night of being left out won't kill her. But it will make her think harder about finishing her food next time. Also, don't allow her to "change her mind" about being full. And tell her you feel bad, that the night you decide to have ice cream, she didn't finish her meal....

For breakfast, have donut holes, or brownie bites...etc....

For the next couple weeks off and on at random times serve a small dessrt or treat of some sort....slowly decrease how often it's served, until it's back to normal (once a week or once a month or whatever).

Once you get her begging to get her dinner back out and finish her meal, then start implementing "food time" to avoid stalling and delay tactics. Set the timer for 30 minutes and when the timer goes off, food time is over and food is removed.

You can even include dessrt time in that time frame after a few times of missing out....so everyone who finishes gets dessert, but at the 30 min mark even dessert gets cleared up.

I'm saying 30 minutes, because that works for us, if 45 min or 60 min works better for you, then use that time increment.

My dd was 3 when we got her and also refused to eat as a matter of controlling how her time was spent. She was starving herself to death according to our doctor....being left out of something repeatedly was the only thing that worked....initially it was missing ALL her playtime....

Oh yeah, and start the portions small enough that it isn't intimidating...gradually increasing the portions until it's the proper amount.

[lucyjoy]

Was she missing enough food to lose weight? I'm very against battling food and believe it can lead to eating disorders later.

Would she have eaten the pancake if she didn't have to eat the chili first?

Kids eat when they are hungry. If a doctor feels there is an issue with the not eating, that's one thing but I don't think making a small child sit for hours over food is a very healthy thing to do. Jmo

[waited2long]

Not sure I should pipe in on the food thing...

I am a very picky eater, always have been. I just never liked a variety of food.

My parents used to force me to sit till my plate was empty and never offered me another choice from what was being served. I could sit all night, when I said I wasn't hungry or didn't like something, I wasn't trying to manipulate anyone, I was serious.

I'm not saying your child doesn't have alterior motives, just saying I didn't.

Anyway, my point... I now have GERD (acid reflux) so bad that I was recently on 3 times the average dose of medications. Just one meal of pizza can send my stomach acid on a joy ride up my throat. I believe this problem developed because of how often I went without eating as a younger child. By ten years old I was already coughing up koolaid.

I don't know how to help your child eat if she claims to not be hungry, but with my experience, I'd offer her other choices of food.

Good luck...

[Lylac]

Is she drinking? Is it more/less than normal? I don't do food battles either. Our doc told us let her eat when she wants to eat.

If your daughter is losing weight..then I'd be concerned...otherwise "I" would have let her have the pancakes. But thats just me. I would rather her eat something..even if it wasn't as healthy..at least she'd be getting something.

[aspenhall]

I'm not sure where my other post went....here it goes again...

My dd already had an eating disorder. She felt she was fat....in reality she had a distended belly from malnutrition....remember those commercials of ethiopian children from years ago? Yeah, that was her...

And she had been starving herself as a way to avoid missiong out on playing time, and also because she felt she was too fat....she was 4, and was the size of a two yr old. Even her hair was thin/balding and had stopped growing. It was maybe 2-3 inches long, and she'd never had a haircut in her life.

My doctor told me (at our initial check-up) that since I was the new adoptive parent, I had 30 days to get her weight up, and if I hadn't been the new parent...he would have hospitalized her that day, and reported me for abuse/neglect. If in 30 days her weight wasn't up enough, she would have been hospitalized for it.

I understand the food battle leading to more serious stuff, but my case (and the way this one sounds) is serious enough already to take extreme measures.

It was also a familiar battleground for her to let me know she was in charge.....no other adult had ever been in charge....so it was vitally improtant for me to be 100% in charge of all her choices for several months. I wouldn't even let her wipe herself after using the bathroom...I literally had my hand in every aspect of her life. Any control left to her, further cemented control battles in the future...It had to be removed completely, then re-issued sparingly over time.

It wasn't a matter of her not being hungry, it was a matter of her starving to death slowly..... her total caloric intake was probably less than 50 calories a day when I got her. I still have never been able to get even one ounce of fat on her. It all goes to growth and lean muscle mass. Her immune system is nearly impenetrable, and she has a "4 pack" now, and tight biceps.....I got to where she was healthy, eating nutritious, and average size, and then let her decide how much and how often she wants to eat.

It wasn't a battle, it simply wasn't up for discussion. 2 days of sitting down for breakfast (food of her choice) and not being able to play for hours, until lunch time (again food of her choice was served). And again sitting until Dinnertime....and she decided maybe the battle to gain more play time, needed a new strategy. She slowly began eating more and more and faster and faster, until months later it only took her an hour to finish her (still very small) meals. Fast forward 4 years, and after massive attention placed on the education of food being fuel and nutrition, she will eat an appropriate amount, in about 15-30 minutes and her body image has normalized. She no longer considers herself fat, and monitors her own healthy food choices...eating veggies first and avoiding too much sweets....

She can now accurately determine truthfully if she is hungry or not.

I think if the immediate health of the child is a definite issue, it's too high a price tag to pay just to avoid a control battle or future possible issues....

[lucyjoy]

This child would have eaten the pancake, but had to eat the chili first. She's not starving herself, just not eating all that much at a time.

If this child has seen a doctor that feels this is appropriate then so be it. I have 2 kids who would starve to death before giving in to this type of tactic. And quite frankly, this never would have worked for me either.

I see nothing healthy in making the dinner table a battlefield or having a young child sit for hours. To me, that's no different then putting a 3 year old in time out for 3 hours straight.

If the child is losing wieght, a doctor should be consulted for advice. If the child is not losing wieght then let her eat when she's hungry. Serve meals and snacks at times that work and let the child choose to eat or not eat. Force feeding is almost never a good idea.

[meshsgrl]

Say nothing about her not finishing when you serve the ice cream, just assume she's too full for ice cream since she didn't finish. Don't allow her to whine until you give in either. Stick to your guns. One night of being left out won't kill her. But it will make her think harder about finishing her food next time. Also, don't allow her to "change her mind" about being full. And tell her you feel bad, that the night you decide to have ice cream, she didn't finish her meal....

tried this... doesn't work... she gets upset for a moment but then doesn't care!

I don't know how to help your child eat if she claims to not be hungry, but with my experience, I'd offer her other choices of food

See she says she is hungry, until I tell her that she can have the rest of her previous meal whenever she wants... then suddenly she isnt hungry anymore.

It was also a familiar battleground for her to let me know she was in charge

Right now I dont believe her health is immediate danger, but it is getting close to that... but I think with her control issues it will become a concern.
I guess I am afraid that if I let her get away with just eating what she wants when she wants, eventually she will want more of a battle and completely refuse to eat.... for example... if I let her get away without eating the chili, (which she likes) and eat the pancakes, next she wont be eating the pancakes... because honestly its not about liking food or not, its about control. Which is why I kinda let her get away with eating whatever she wanted in a set time then dinner was over at first, but then she wasn't eating enough...

She sat up until 11:30 last night, then she was so tired that I gave her a choice of giving up movietime this morning or eating her dinner... I know I shouldn't give in, but she looked so TIRED and when she gets that tired there is no talking to her!!

[momraine]

I have a child who has an eating disorder. He was beyond just not eating, he was throwing up and hiding food. He was also in danger. We had to do the thing where he had to not play if he did not eat. We told him food was fuel, like gas for the car. If he did not eat he did not have enough fuel to play. Then he would eat only a bite. I had to explain to him that the first fuel went to things like breathing and thinking and his heart beating. So he had to eat a certain amount to have some left over for play. We also had to get past the control part. Letting him choose absolutely did not work. He would ask for something and then refuse to eat it and ask for something else and then refuse to eat that. So it was totally not about what food, it was about control. I did switch his foods to all very high calorie. I used a lot of half and half in his food, boost plus to drink, etc. So that when he did eat it was high calorie. He loves fruit, but to get fruit I made him eat the high calorie food first, though usually he would then decide he did'nt want the fruit after all. Just giving him the fruit would end in his taking two bites and saying he was full. After a summer of basically force feeding him to get his weight up, I turned it back over to him. (I had done this before and he refused to eat or drink until he was very, very sick, four days later, then he was only willing to take in very little) Since then he lost two pounds, but now is able to to stay the same weight. He is not growing and soon we will have to deal with that, but for now he has broken the throwing up habit and is actually eating. (mostly at school because I am not there so he thinks I don't know about it) He is also starting to eat at home as long as I don't react. He won't eat a single bite or drink anything at home if he is mad about anything. (not getting to play his brother's video game, being made to wear a coat when it is cold, his sister going to a sleepover, etc) Anyway, for now we are letting things go. The doctors will eventually have an issue with his not gaining any weight as he has grown a little taller and still not gained anything.

[lucyjoy]

She's hungry until you tell her she has to eat her previous meal instead of something else? If its truely a food issue concerning health, feed her the something else.

11:30 at night? What time was dinner? So the 3 year old basically sat in time out for 5 hours? How does this help her relationship with you? How is staying up that late good for her health?

The child isn't creating this battle, you are. Its really not a good battle to fight with a little child that needs to be working on attachment.

[Lorraine123]

I also have a child who would starve instead of giving in once it became a control battle. For her, starving isnt as bad as it would be for us. She was almost starved to death, so hunger was just a way of life. At the same time, she was terrified that she would not have food. This has lessened, but when she first came to us it was a real battle. We did several things - we had a box in fridge that was soley hers. It was filled with healthy snacks and she could help herself at any time. At mealtime, I would fix her plate and give her whatever we were having. I made sure to always have something that she really liked, even if it was applesauce as a side. Gave her a reasonable time to eat and then took her plate. It was her choice whether to finish it or not. Sometimes she would eat nothing and sometimes she would gorge unitl she threw up. She couldn't feel hunger in a normal way. She couldn't tell when she was full.

She eats in a much more heathy way now. She can tell when she is hungry and she stops when she is full. (most of the time)

I was told that we can't control what they put into their bodies and what comes out of their bodies.

[jessnboys]

Food issues are soo tough! With M, we did a very intensive program with a therepist/behaviorist who specialized in feeding issues. I offered 3 types of food (smooth, like applesause, meat texture, and rice/noodles etc). M had to take 1 bite of each. After that, he could eat what he wanted off the plate for 15 min. We also tried reinforcements after each bite ( handing a toy, cheering, clapping, etc). Then he was offered a drink. We did this every 2 hrs during the day. We were also on tube feedings, so it was more behavior we were teaching at that point. It was a control issue with meals b/c there was nothing else he could really control (meds, breathing treatments, etc). We also incorperated and treated other behaviors at the same time.
We still face the weight battle, but 5 years later we don't have the food fight anymore. At least, nothing that isnt' "typical" of a 9 yr old boy, lol.

Good Luck and let me know if I can help.

[waited2long]

I'm 39 years old and I still would not eat leftovers.

It seems like, at this point, you may want to try and forget the food battle and concentrate on other things.

Have food available for her, anytime she wants it, as others have suggested. Make sure every meal has at least one item you know she likes, as others also suggested. She should sit with the family for meals, but if she doesn't eat, ignore it, act like it's not important.

Be Switzerland, don't get involved. It's not giving in if you act as if it's not your war. This way, perhaps food will no longer be one of her control issues.

It sounds as if, slowly, that method is working for MomRaine...

[greenrobin]

I'm with Lucyjoy on this.

If this little girl does not have a diagnosed eating disorder, I wouldn't be treating her like she did.

Lots of little kids go through a stage where they seemingly live on air. My approach has always been to include something I know they like at meals. Choices work wonders sometimes. I also let them help me make meals. Lots of mess, but sometimes pride takes over and they eat.

I'm a stubborn cuss, and when my mom tried making me sit until I ate, I just sat. I didn't come from a fc background where I had no control over anything, tons of confusion and anger over what had happened, and a new mom. I cannot imagine compounding my own bull headedness with that!

I'd be more concerned about my relationship at this point. If she doesn't eat, take it away and offer nothing else until the next scheduled meal. And do the dessert thing, too. She may be so controlled that you only think she doesn't care. I think what's important is that she learns that you will serve the next meal and you won't be manipulated by her behavior.

Only if she starts to have health or weight trouble would I worry. Visit with your doctor about it. Tell the cw. And then drop the drama. It only seems like you are in control here. She's manipulating your time.

I wouldn't punish not eating. I'd just let it go and offer appropriate meals and snacks. Unless she's got other underlying issues, she'll eat when she's ready.

And let her go to bed at her regular bedtime. You both need your sleep.