[HappyHopefulMommy]

HELP! I need recommendations for ap place for time out. We do also use time-ins at times which is always in the room I am in. But when I have a tantrumming 4, 5 or 7 year old (kicking, hitting, screaming) I need them to calm down somewhere. We somtimes use thet bathroom (only because when we first got the kids every time they were in timeout they somehow how to go potty, so we just put them where the potty was) Bedrooms don't work because they end up playing. When we need to, we do sit there and hold them (if they won't stay or are hitting themselves). The hallway does not work, our house is too small for that. Any one have any suggestions or ideas.

[lucyjoy]

I don't really get the point of time out so this might not help.

Wondering, if the point is to calm down, why not let them go to their room? If they start playing aren't they calm?

Once calm, if they are not AD kids, you can discuss the behavior and what they can do instead and restitution can be made.

If they are AD, skip the discussion part and go directly to the restitution.

For instance-child is told no tv. Child throws fit and is sent to room to calm. Child calms.

Non AD kid: Why were you sent to your room? Wait for answer. What should you have done? Wait for answer. What do you need to do now? Wait for answer and child goes to do whatever. If child does not know what he should do next you tell him.

AD kid. I'm sorry you chose to throw a fit. Some kids would have used their words-"I really want to watch tv and it makes me mad when I can't-go" Kid repeats and you respond as if kid came up with that themselves. "Thanks for telling me how you feel. Sometimes we have have to do things we don't feel like doing"

Or AD kid-In order to replace the energy from you tantrum, you need to vaccuum the living room or whatever.

[ajjhmf]

Ditto to everything Lucy said. That's exactly how we do it.

[Lorraine123]

I don't use time outs either. I use time ins. Thats not to say that I don't send her to her room sometimes, but its because I need a time out. In that case, I don't really care what she does in there. I also have her do restitution. Usually something for me because she wasted my time.

[momraine]

Mine also go to thier rooms to calm down, and I go to mine to calm down! I have told them, I need to go calm down, so I am going to my room. Leave me alone for a few minutes. My older ones now go on thier own if they are upset and come out when they are calm and ready to talk.

[HappyHopefulMommy]

OK -that makes so much sense. What if a child hits a sibling or yells at a parents or purposely disobeys. Do you do time-in for that stuff? It does make so much sense that calm down can be in the room. I have so much to learn. I am just so not use to tantrumming children. My bio daugther is just not a tantrummer so this all all so new to me. And now we are transitioning the 3 kids bio brother. He is 2 1/2. That is 4 kids in 4 months. Oh - I like the idea of going to my room to calm down too.

[lucyjoy]

Hitting a sibling means they owe the sibling restitution. I usually make the offending child do the other child's chores for a day. If its a repetitive thing, the child gets time in because they obviously need my assistance in making good decisions.

Yelling at me gets different reactions depending on the child or circumstances. It gets time in, restitution, yard work where one can yell as loudly as they want, or it may get an early bedtime so I can rest my ears of they may have to do something for me. I might just take away their privledge to speak but that has the potential to become a control battle so depends on the kids personality and issues.

I try to relate the consequence as closely to the offense as I am able.

[HappyHopefulMommy]

lucyjoy - I think I need to hire you to be my "super nanny" for a week and teach me all you know!! What do you do when the child is in time-in?

[Lorraine123]

When my child is in time in, she simply is glued to my side. If I'm folding laundry, she is too. If I'm reading a book, she is too. If I go get the mail, she does too. I just tell her that I can't fully trust her to make good decisions right now, and so I need to able to guide her so she needs to be close to me. Other times, when she has been mean to me, she has to do something for me (paint my toenails, give me a massage).

Sometimes, if I am not in the frame of mind to do time in without anger, I send her outside. I tell her to scream at the trees, that they don't ;mind. If she cusses at me, I often do this. The trees don't mind being cussed at. I'm usually too angry at that piont to effectively do time in.

Sometimes time in will consist of her sitting on my lap and us talking. It depends on the frame of mind she is in.

Lucy mentioned taking away the child's privilege to talk. I do that sometimes. I have my daughter put her hand over her mouth. Althouigh she is argumentative, this is one thing she won't argue about, I don't know why.

Time ins are tough because you are usually irritated with the child by the time it gets to that point. You have remove yourself emotionally and not take it personnally. Easier said than done.

[lucyjoy]

hmm, does the job pay well? Never mind.

I do time in just like Lorraine described.

[mrsred]

For 4, 5 and even 7 year old, a time out should not be very long. General rule of thumb is on eminute per year... but since most our kids are so emotionally delayed you need to adjust for that. For instance my nine year old is more like a 5 year old emotionally, so a five minute time out is about all he can handle.
I do time-outs right in the room with me, where I can see them. That means it is usually in the family room/kitchen area (rooms connected). I have the child sit on one of the barstools that I have pulled away from the counter so that they cannot touch anything, and they face the timer so they can see how much time. I set the timer, but if they continue to scream or bounce the stool around I will go stop the timer and tell them we will continue when they are calm again.
Time outs are always followed by hugs and loving.
I don't use time outs on my 12 year olds. Generally theri "crimes" are more thought out, so the punishment is too. Usually that is loss of privilege.

Bye the way, Happy you said "My bio daugther is just not a tantrummer so this all all so new to me" ~~ Just wait a couple years. Our bio son now does all sorts of things he didn't do four years ago. Is it because he is now a preteen, or is it because he is adapting his behaviors to be more like his adopted siblings?

[aspenhall]

See, for us, consequences were endured like NO SWEAT...so five minutes was an acceptable payment for poor behavior...it was not a deterrent.. So our time outs had to be longer...because her offenses were more claculated as they mentioned....she would decide to do a behavior based on what she expected me to do about it. I had to make the consequences more extreme than I would have normally liked them to be.

Also, time outs are really only effective as an attitude adjustment. Time-ins are a way of life when you lose trust. Which takes MUCH longer to earn back.

I also ground her from speaking when all she can do is spew hatred and sass, and anger.

When she feels she can control her mouth, she may have it back, but the first sign of disrespect gets the privilege revoked again (usually for a few hours).

Purposefu disobedience is an immediate Time in for a very long time. After a few hours (after a sincere apology) I start to loosen the reins, she may get to read in another room etc...but for each subsequent infraction I double the time.....so if she doesn't learn her lesson, I double the consequence the next time (like same behavior within the same day or week)....if a long time passes between issues, then I go back to the original...but I escalate consequences for sure...

[atouchofheaven]

okay, i have one for ya.

2 1/2 year old, tons of attitude, aggressive and impulsive, not much self-control. we've been doing time-out on our bar stool because it's the only place he can't get out of. in his room with a baby gate he tears the place apart, kicks the walls, throws stuff, etc. he won't sit on a regular seat for time-out. he keeps getting up and realized quickly that when he gets up, we go near him to sit him back down and he gets a couple good swings at us. so the stool was working well for a while but he is very close to figuring out how to get down from it. i don't know what i'll do when he can.

i don't think he'll understand restitution. he has a speech delay so can't talk through problems. i usually sit him in time out for hitting or scratching me or the dog or throwing toys. he's really smart in some ways but then lacks cognition in others.

any ideas?

[lucyjoy]

I'd use Martha Welch's holding time with a child that young.

[atouchofheaven]

i was doing time-in for a while but he gets SO upset and aggressive. it seems to make him worse. then i have to basically restrain him. and he can't calm down. he calms down much quicker when he is away from me, even if still in the same room. which is why i was using the tall stool.

we don't have much of an issue with attachment anymore. he is well attached. it's more of a behavioral thing.