[Howdy]

My daughter is 12 yrs old and in seventh grade. She gets a lot of homework. According to her all the other kids can do it quickly and easily. I have trouble believing that because for the last couple weeks I have helped her with her homework (previously, I left it totally up to her) and I myself can't do it in the amount of time the teachers' claim it can be done.

Due to all the trauma during her first 7 1/2 years she is not able to listen effectively in class (too much competition from intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, auditory hallucinations, etc). It seems to be affecting her worse now than during elementary school; or maybe the difference is a combination of more demanding school work and now she has the maturity to explain what she is experiencing. She told me she is constanty bothered by the memories but can push them back temporarily while she is having fun with friends.

But, she presents herself as a bright outgoing normal kid. It is not at all obvious to her teachers (or any other adults -- including one past therapist who should have known better) that she is laboring under any handicap.

The pediatrician refuses to prescribe any meds to help my daughter control the flashbacks etc, (even though we brought a note from her therapist) because she is too suicidal and he doesn't want the responsibility.

We are trying to get in to see a child pyschiatrist, but the wait for an appointment is a couple months.

So, meanwhile I spoke to the school counselor and she said she herself would not be able to influence the teachers into lessening the homework, but she will schedule a meeting of all of them with me so I can attempt to plead my case for more reasonable expectations.

Can anyone help me figure out what I should say? My daughter does not want any details shared with anyone, and I don't know how to get the teachers (who were totally unresponsive and even rather obnoxious during the parent-teacher conferences last month) to take me seriously if they don't know the extent of the experiences she suffered.

How can I convince them that she is not just goofing off and refusing to take school seriously?

She cries at bedtime because she thinks she is too stupid. Unfortunately her goal is to get all her homework done and get straight A's, so she is terribly frustrated at how hard it is for her, and I have not succeeded in convincing her to have more realistic expectations of herself.

I don't want to keep helping her with her homework because there is so much of it that I have no time for me, and also because we both have to give up sleep to attempt (unsuccessfully) to get it all done. Then I get crabby and weepy from sleep deprivation and she falls asleep in class.

She doesn't want to be homeschooled again because she is at the age where friends are so important to her.

[lucyjoy]

How long does it take her to complete the nightly homework? 7th grade is a pretty heavy homework grade.

The school doesn't need the details. I would tell them she had a rough start and you are seeking psychiatric intervention. That's enough information.

Does your child have an IEP or 504 plan? If not, request one in writing. They will do testing. That's the easiest way to get assignements modified and more help.

I would keep doing homework with your child if she is actually working because it is good for her to let you help her. If she is crying or arguing or not working then it's time for you to stop. If she is crying it may be time for her to stop.

Not sure what your schedule looks like, but would it help to break the homework up in sections? Math after school, English after dinner etc. Just a thought.

[lovemy6]

With just about any diagnosis, she can get a 504 under OHI, other health impairment. Then she can get accomodations. For my son, he gets 20 minutes of homework a night per class. I set the time and when he's finished, he's finished. He WANTS to get it all done, it's just that he can't.

[Peggy]

My daughter also presents well, so she had similar issues. Now she is in a therapeutic school, so that helps. I think in your case back up from a therapist and a psychiatrist are going to be needed in the form of documentation. Has she been tested at school. Often schools only listen to "their own" experts. Also your therapist if unable to prescribe medicine should be partnered on some level with a psychiatrist for meds.

[greenrobin]

504 is relatively easy. IEP, not so much.

In TX the process of getting kids under the Sp. Ed has become very time consuming. My complaint isn't for me, it's for the kids. It can take literally weeks and weeks before enough documentation is accumulated to satisfy the legal requirements. The lengthening of the process is to stop folks from referring who really just need extra classroom support. Also because there is an over-representation of certain ethnic groups in special ed.

I teach 7th grade.

Not all teachers, but many are understanding. If we know what's going on in terms of stress and needs, we're often able to accommodate until the wheels turn. There is no mandate to give tons of homework. We, too, are being pressured to get kids ready for standardized tests due to NCLB. But most teachers entered the profession because they love kids. But not all.

So, when you go to talk to them, try to stay calm and be reasonable, even if you don't feel like it. Like I said, I teach, but I'm also the mom of a special needs kid. I have run up against the non-budgers. And be prepared to wait it out. I don't know what the process is like in your state. Be nice, but firm in your request. Your counselor is the person who can help you get the 504 started.

And she can pressure the teachers. She can't make them give less homework, but she can annoy them enough that they'll do it just to get her off their back!

It's just not her primary job.

Good luck. I wish you and your daughter much success.

[qs mom]

My son has PTSD. He doens't have episodes often. I think that may be your daughters DX.

My son has learned EMDR from a his former therapist. It has worked wonders for him at school. His focus improved and I think that is what has lessened his episodes.

Could you check into EMDR with your therapist in the interim?

[Howdy]

I will look up 504 and IEP and EMDR. When I met with the counselor I asked if there were any services we could get for my daughter and she said no, that they mainstream all kids regardless of their disabilities.

Regarding the question of how long does it take to complete the homework, I don't know, we have never managed to complete it all. We put 8 hrs into it on Sunday and about 4 each day until Thursday we had the therapy appt and could only do 2 hrs. One of those nights she fell asleep, after first making sure I would keep reading and summarize it for her while waiting for the bus in the morning.

By Thursday I was so miserable about having insufficient sleep all week I started crying when it was 2 hrs past her bedtime and 1 hr past mine and we were still doing math. That sure didn't help us get finished!

Part of the time is spent reading the material, and then some is spent finding the answers for the assignments, a lot of time is spent just writing it all down, she has one teacher who assigns them to write the definitions of terms exactly as they are in the book's glossary, and it takes my daughter a LONG time to write it all out.

And it is so frustrating that regardless of all the time we put into it, none of the information sinks in. She haphazardly applies formulas without understanding when they are appropriate or what it all means. We can spend 45 minutes on an assignment and then I ask her a question about it and she has no clue about any of it.

Unfortunately she falls apart at the idea of leaving anything blank/undone, or at just making a good guess at the answer. It HAS to be correct or she will fall into hysterics.

Also, one or two of her teachers give her 'lunch detention' if she doesn't have her assignments completed, so she has that as an added pressure. And she is obsessive about not disappointing her teachers.

I have tried suggesting to my daughter that we have a timer for each assignment and then just stop at that point. She says she is willing for us to try it, but I feel sure she'll fall into hysterics when it comes time to set an assignment aside in an incomplete state.

Also she suggested today that she could change her goal of getting all A's to trying to get A's all year in just one of her classes.

[greenrobin]

I am so sorry that the homework is piled up like that.

I never assign more than I want to grade. Like I tell my kids, we all have lives outside of the classroom. Let's enjoy them.

The counselor is not telling you the truth. The current trend in special education is full inclusion. This does NOT mean no services. There are a ton of modifications that are legal. You can ask for reduced length of assignment, or reduced paper/pencil tasks. She could be given extra time to complete it. Her written essays could be shortened or changed to fill in the blank answers. Definitions could be drawn instead of written as long as they are understandable. She could be given a copy of the teachers' notes, provided a word bank to answer fill in the blank questions, use a calculator in math, tape record her answer, get a voice activated/response program for a computer to take her "dictation" on answers. She could have oral testing and books on tape for reading (they're called Play Aways--we have them in our library). The only limits are the imaginations of those involved.

There is a matter of a little law called IDEA--it provides for folks with disabilites. The district does NOT want ACLU after them for failing to provide accommodations.

When you meet with the counselor, remind her of IDEA. It will help.

If it doesn't, go see the superintendent. Lawsuits in this arena are costly and difficult to win.

There is no reason anyone should have to do 8 hours of homework on a Saturday. This alone is more stress than she should have to bear. And be sure you document, document, document. If you can, keep a folder of all of the assignments she gets. I'd make clean copies for the folder and take that to the meeting as well. The principal would be pretty interested most likely.

And if all else fails, consider changing her educational placement.

My heart goes out to you and to her.

[qs mom]

No services because of mainstreaming is just about the most stupid comment I have every heard.

My son has been mainstreamed since 1st grade. In 1st he had OT 3x, SLP 2x, PT 2x and councelling 2x. The same thing ind 2nd. After Easter in 2nd SLP was eliminated. He is now in 3rd and has OT 2x and counceling 2x weekly.

He had a seat cushion and a vest in K, 1st. His 1st grade teacher took them away. 3rd grade teacher realizes he needs the cushion.

He also has verbal AND written instuction. He has 1 1/2 times the length of time to complete his testing and assignments. He is not to be given more than a 2 step direction.

I've made it clear to his teachers that I'm a big proponent of LIFE. There is more to LIFE than school. There's dance, scouts, skating, movie nights, Church and most importantly doing FUN KID THINGS. I've made it clear that I will NOT force homework on my child. However, if he chooses not to do it, I will consequence him and I expect her to also.

At first they weren't sure how to take me when I said "we'll do the best we can about homework, but it isn't my top priority even though it is the first task to be done".

And yes, it's only 3rd grade, so there isn't a lot right now, but I don't want my son to miss being a kid because he's so focused on homework that nothing else matters.

He WILL NOT quit or miss dance class, Boy Scouts, Awana, or ice skating for homework. He WILL NOT miss a special family thing for homework. LOved ones don't live forever, so we'll spend time there than doing homework. As an example - my cousin and his wife are both in the Air Force. They have 3 boys, one is my son's age. They were here for a few weeks in October. Seeing Jay & Amanda, playing with Brandon, Nolan and Gavin was certainly much more important than doing a math page. He'll learn the math without doing that page and Jay & Amanda have both been to Iraq several times, we pay they will be fine, but you never know. And if we do get to see them again, it won't be for at least a year.

Maybe this is a bad example for Q, but I'll have to wait and see when he's older.

Somethings that DO NOT take precedant over homework - video games, TV, computer time, playtime, snacks.

[Kerbchek]

I'd look into the 504 or perhaps special education services. I'm a middle school special education teacher. I taught two years in a comprehensive school, the rest in a special school where I have the kids in my room all to myself, I can give them as much or little homework as I want.

I was amazed during my two years in the comprehensive school setting how unwilling some teachers were to make the modicications mandated on the IEP. They felt I was favoring and babying the kids by cutting their assignments down and modifying the expectations for them on large projects... it was really frustrating for me... but really it was only a few unwilling teachers. The good thing about a 504 or special education services, is all you have to do is get the administrator involved and he/she should make sure those teachers are implementing the necessary accomodations.

As your child's advocate, you got to do what you need to do... In order for a child to qualify for special education services, they'll need to do some evaluation of some kind... I'm not exactly sure how the referral process works as the kids I have in my class have probably been in special education for since they were very young...

[Peggy]

You and your daughter have rights. You have the right to request a PPT and testing. She has the right to have modifications in place if they are needed. Prior to finalization my daughter had a representative go to the meetings as her representative. The good thing was that she was up on all the laws. At the very least take a witness and tape the meetings. Request a PPT, and request testing.

[ca-bigsister]

I'm a high school teacher and a FP. I've also taught middle school.

I think that teachers should be told about a child's background. It will help us to understand and to make accommodations. Obviously we don't need to be told every trauma, but basics are helpful.

I had one child whom I was told "had headaches" and was to send her to the nurse when she had headaches. She never complained of headaches so I never sent her to the nurse. Well, it turns out that she had a medical condition in which her brain kept growing but her bones didn't so she also should not be stressed by projects/homework, etc. Well, that's a lot different from "headaches."

Teachers are people and we often spend more time a day with a child than parents do. The more we know, the more we can help. Obviously, we are supposed to keep things confidential. But I would not just listen to your daughter about disclosing to teachers. They would definitely (well at least most will) work with you if you tell them what's going on.

That's just my advice.

[momraine]

Have you spoken to the teachers yet? To me that would be the first step. I remember being very concerned at the amount of homework my son had. When I talked to the teacher I learned that most of what I thought was homework, was work my son had not completed at school. I also learned that sometimes he was misunderstanding the requirements and trying to more than required. Once we got a diagnosis for him it helped a lot. They will not give accomodations based just on a parent's word, because sad to say there are parents out there who will lie to get thier kids less homework. In seventh grade they are getting ready for high school. At this point you need to start looking at your daughter and what her future might be. Some children will not be able to go to college and some will. Some children will not be able to live on thier own and others will. The other thing to look for is to try to be objective and be sure she is not using her disability as an excuse. My dyslexic son started to do that at the beginning of 8th grade. Yes, he is dyslexic, but last year he was able to get straight A's. This fall he decided that since he was dyslexic it meant he didn't even have to try to read anything and he could just skip those assignments. When I or the teachers questioned him he would burst into tears and tell us he could not read. However, later in the semester he admitted it was harder than last year and he just was tired of it. He is now back to trying and getting very good grades. I am not saying this is the case with your daughter, but it's something worth watching for.
Talk to the teachers first, they might be more willing to help than you think. However, you are going to have to give them a reason to give her less homework.

[Howdy]

I think there is a little movement in the right direction. My daughter was trying to study for a test the next day and she was falling apart - and tearing the house apart too, so I gave her the option that I would either pick her up from school in time to save her from the test, or I could send a note with her for the counselor that said she had my permission to sit in the counselor's office during that period.

She took the note and consulted with the counselor before school and the counselor arranged that she could take the test in the counselor's office and then get to make corrections on it a few days later if she didn't pass.

Also the counselor sent home a behavior form for me to fill out, and she said she needs a letter or something from the therapist about my daughter's needs.

I don't know that the therapist will be much help, because my daughter doesn't tell her much. But I finally found the phone number of the child psychiatrist we saw a few years ago.

The child psychiatrist sent us a kit to take urine and saliva (at 4 intervals during the day) to send to some company that then tests for 12 brain chemicals and cortisol levels, and then will "prescribe" a supplement of amino acids and other natural stuff that is supposed to help normalize the brain chemicals.

Has anyone tried that? The psychiatrist said she has had good results with it, and that an organization in Texas that works with kids with PTSD uses it.

The directions on the kit are challenging (for example the urine has to be the second of the day, in mid morning, without the kid eating or drinking), so I am not sure we will manage to collect the appropriate urine and saliva samples.

[lucyjoy]

I have not done this but I know people who have and they swear by the results.