[lyssie]

So, dd 5 yrs old is in Kindergarten. We have gone through about 2 months so far. She brought home a marker and today a water botttle--the kind you keep and reuse. Obviously it's someone else's when asked about it she was "caught" looking--so....the usual she's returning it there's a consequence etc.

We had been doing so well...but, here I am back this week (I am one in the same with the peeing in peculiar places thread)

So is this how it goes forever? two steps forward and one or more back and you just seem to get a little longer breaks between the bouts of "wierd"? I can see we are definately dealing with attachment issues. So what have you done to help your kids, to smooth things out so that life makes more sense to them?

I like the idea with the peeing problem to make it their problem...help me know how you've done it with this problem. Thanks!

[Kansas Girl]

If it is indeed someone else's, then she needs to return it and face the consequences. IMO, if there's a common thread in dealing with attachment issues, the child has to take responsibility for their own actions and face the consequences for their actions - you can't feel sorry for them and let them off the hook. About the only thing maybe you can help her with is maybe rehearsing "how" to return it and face the consequences. I guess you could go with her when she returns the item if she wants you there for support, but it's her deal. One therapist did teach us a "rewind" technique (like a movie), which worked for R. Didn't prevent the behavior in the first place, but helped him learn not to do it again. It's basically getting the child to look at what they might do differently the next time....maybe you could have her role play the right answer (i.e. not take the water bottle, return it to its rightful owner, etc). The biggest thing here is the development of the conscience (as attachment grows) - that's what will stop/prevent the behavior in the future. As R healed he could actually explain that he didn't want to do those sort of things anymore (steal, etc) as they made him feel "icky". (yay....there's a conscience in there after all!)

Is this how it goes on "forever"? To a point, yes.....you get one thing solved, and then something else pops up, or a milder version of a previous problem - it is indeed two steps forward, one step back for a while. I don't know if you can "smooth" it out for them.....other than therapy. Yes, life is really tough for a child with attachment issues......and adult life with jail, homelessness, etc. is even tougher if they don't develop a conscience and learn responsibility. I tell my son that with what he's been through (abuse, neglect, dealing with the aftermath) there isn't anything that life can throw out him that he can't handle....he's already been through the worst.

Fran

[Robbin]

You have my sympathy, and understanding. Our adopted 6 yo son and 9 yo daughter still take things without asking - as recently as Sunday. I definitely feel it is stealing because they hide the items. Same thing with our daughter though, doing so good in therapy...2 steps forward, then we catch her stealing post-it notes (from church!)...one step back.

We had a terrible time with both of them, although it is getting better now. They have stolen knick-knacks from our bible study leader's home, toys from my best friend's children, earrings from a beloved kindergarten teacher, candy from the church store, should I go on??? It got so bad that we would do a "pat down" before we left anywhere just to ensure that they did not take anything!

Our response is to talk to the person ahead of time and tell them that the child will be returning the item, and NOT to say "oh, it's okay". They want to say, kids will be kids, but this is a pattern, NOT an isolated incident. I ask them to let the child know that they are upset, disappointed, whatever. But the important thing is to not let the person brush it off because then the child does not think that stealing is such a big deal.

We always talk to the kids after the incident also, and say, boy that was really embarrassing wasn't it? People are going to start looking at you differently if they know you steal things, etc., etc.

It's always something

[lucyjoy]

Does she feel bad when she gets caught? It makes a difference. If she seems indifferent or just mad about the consequence then that's more of an attachment thing. However, at 5, stealing is not quite so uncommon. If she feels bad, she should learn from the returning and consequence and stop stealing.

If there is no remorse, up the consequence each time she steals. She can pay back double, have to stay near mom, hand on the cart in the store-stuff like that. If this is attachment related, she will need to work on the undrlying trauma before the syptoms(stealing, peeing, lying) will go away.

[crick]

My dd had a stealing issue between ages 5-7. I don't think hers was really attachment related, more related to her background of hoarding and not getting things. So when she saw stuff she liked, she figured she better just take it or she'd never get the opportunity again.

I made a rule that she could not have anything unless me or her dad gave it to her or was given to her in front of us or with our permission. So she knew if I found anything in her backpack or room, I would consider it stealing. (not "I just found it!")

I also talked to her teacher at school if it came up and they knew to deal with the consequence as needed.
Any items I found from school, I took her into school so she could tell the teacher what she did and give it back. Had to apologize to the person she took it from.
She didn't like this AT ALL and was really humiliated. She so wanted approval from others and friends, so this was a big lesson for her indeed.

I agree with Lucyjoy...see if you can find the motivation behind it and determine how she reacts to consequences in order to address it.

[SAHmom]

What helped with our son stealing from school is a couple of things. First I got him a see-through backpack. He was upset that he couldn't keep his scooby one. The other thing is that I sewed his coat/jacket and his jean pocket. This helped the teacher do quick seaches prior to him coming home.

When he would steal from his classmates, he had to use his money to replace the items and it had to be three times the amount. Once he stole "CARS" sticker from a classmates. I made him replace the stickers along with a pencil, hat and I can't think of what else. He didn't like buying all those great items with HIS money and turning around and giving it to another boy. We haven't had a problem with him stealing for quite some time now...hope I didn't just jinxed myself!!!

[Lorraine123]

So is this how it goes forever? two steps forward and one or more back and you just seem to get a little longer breaks between the bouts of "wierd"?

Yes, this how it goes. Sometimes you move forward, sometimes backwards, sometimes no movement at all and sometimes you think you are moving forward when you really aren't. Its hard.

I have a huge issue with stealing. I think its a huge violation of someone else. Unlike some other RAD behaviors like lying or manipulating, you go to prison for stealing. Its a biggie to me.

You have to make it her problem. The consequences have to be strong enough to deter her. Have her do restitution for the person she stole from. When my daughter is going through her stealing phases, she has to walk with her hands on her head when we are out shopping. She hates this and it is actually somewhat of a deterent for her. Find what works for your child.

I would also avoid as much opportunity for stealing as possible. I have used the clear bookbag. Cut the pockets out of clothes. Just make it even less tempting.

Attachment therapy would help greatly. If it is attachment related, the more the child learns to respect themselves, the more they will start to respect others.