[SAHmom]

Hubby and I just purchased a 3 bedroom mobile home for our kids. The only one living in it now is our 19 year old and within the next few years, our older kids - once they are 18 - may live there. Hubby and I will pay the monthly bills giving the kids more hours available for college or vo-tech. The rules are they have to be 18 or older, no drinking, drugs, smoking, friends over without permission, etc.

My daughter was telling a teacher {who just happens to live nearby} about it. The teacher asked her how can we do that and where will the money come from. She then told daughter that she knows she is being nosy, but...!!! My son {17} then said that he had a friend ask him how much money we get for all of our kids. Our children know about adoption subsidies and such, but my kids told them that we budget well. It helps that hubby is a truck driver and makes *good* money!

It struck me wrong...maybe because I would never ask another person about their money situation. I mean, we pay our bills and I do budget very well. We don't own fancy and new cars, jet skis, take cruises, etc. I am the first to say that our money are spent on our kids.

Anyhow, has anyone else had people say anything to them and how do your respond or do you?

[vegaschristina]

So sorry. Tell them to mind their own business.

[crick]

I'm sure a lot of that comes from the sheer amazement that you can raise a family of 12 (14) and also provide for the family. You know how it is...a lot of people barely manage with 2 and here you are!

That said...it IS rude to ask about those details and be nosy! I do like the standard answer many say on here which is the big smile followed by a "Why do you ask?"

[momraine]

I usually use Cricks answer for such questions. I get the ones about my kids, sometimes very personal ones, like how do they go to the bathroom or wipe. Hmm, like that's anyone's business. However, when I ask why they are asking, usually the curious will get embarressed and stop, however every once in a while I will encounter someone who is thinking about adoptin, or whose sister just lost a leg or something like that.

[momraine]

As a side note, I think our talk show culture has given people the idea that people can and do talk about all sorts of stuff that would have remained private in a previous generation. On TV we see people who allow cameras into thier home so they can have thier parenting critisized, people who talk about thier love lives on tv, or even thier finances.

[waited2long]

I think what you are doing is terrific! Giving your kids the experience of living away from home, yet still being cared for so they can focus on their education! How wonderful!

That is the type of response you should be getting, not questions about how you're paying for it.

I guess when people confront you, you are able to cope just fine. But the people you mentioned confronted your kids... Another kid is one thing, but the teacher was out of bounds. I guess all you can do is sit down and talk to the kids about how to deal with nosey people.

Sorry you have to deal with this, what's important is what you are accomplishing, not how you're paying for things.

[KarynB]

Ok, I have to admit - whenever I see posts of large families I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want to ask how you guys do it! I don't, but I want to (-:

We have three kids and I would LOVE to have more but have no idea how we'd do it. Of course, DH is a teacher and I am finishing school so things will change soon, but I wouldn't want to be a working mom, at least not FT. Anyways...I SO admire people who can make it work with large families - and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job!

[Indy]

If I had not adopted my sons and they had remained in foster care....their foster parents would have received $13,500+ per month in direct subsidies. The foster parents in some states would also receive childcare, cost of living increases, respite support, in home supports, etc. I agreed to, on average, between 25-30% of the foster rate. Remember...5 of them have flown the coop.

I use some of the "whopping" proceeds to help pay for some home expenses. I have also put back some college funds for them. I also use the money to give them some special things. As an example, M2 leaves for Alaska next week.

I have never had anyone come out and ask me "how much". I think I would use the same question that Crick does. Prior to adoption, I was very successful in the IT industry. I had a good salary and a nice home. I did stay in the industry until 2005, when I moved into real estate. I purchased a property management company last year. Most people around me are aware that I was financially secure prior to adoption, so they never questioned where money comes from.

[qs mom]

People are just crazy and nosy!

By the way, how do you do it? And I don't mean financially. I've only got 1 and he runs me ragged! Although, I hear when you have more than one, they entertain each other.

I think of you and all those kids often! I still have the photo from Christmas a few years back. Bless you!

Momraine - people do ask such stupid things. As you know, my son isn't physically diabled (visably) but the rudest thing anyone ever asked me, and I was speechless (which has NEVER happened before or since) was - WHY DON'T YOU MEDICATE HIM? YOU KNOW HE WOULDN'T BE RUNNING AROUND LIKE THAT!

[Lylac]

That is so not right for a teacher to ask that. I'm inclined to be kinda rude to rude asking folks. If they want to talk to me about money, I just tell them "Shoot if I get one more kid, I can get that vacation home in Hawaii"

But most folks are genuinely interested in foster or adopting, and just want to see what services are available for the kids. These folks..I don't mind talking to.

[momraine]

I have no problem with the money questions. It is amazing how many people assume I adopted a kid in a wheelchair for the money. However, since he is foreign we get nothing, he can't even get medicaid or disability. Then I tell them about his 27,000 dollar wheelchair and ask if they are wanting to contribute. That shuts them up really fast.

[sunshinemommy]

I get the money question a lot too...We weren't planning to have kids...LOL...and now we're the proud parents of 4

I'm still in school full time, hubby has a good job...but are we rich? Heck no! I think we're lucky though.

We're blessed with a rent-free place to live, tutition that is paid (thanks to my years of working and saving) and a parish that loves us and supports us. For example, this past Sunday...I was given three bags of children's clothes...and two pies (for Thanksgiving!)

Whenever, I get questions I don't want to answer, I usually just ask "Why do you want to know?"...and we'll go from there...

[athikers]

I'll try not to hijack your thread here.... but another one I love is "Can't you have your own kids?!?!" Umm.... she is my own kid, thank you. But that one really gets me, hubby and I can have bio kids as far as we know. We've never really "tried" as they say. We've chosen to build our family this way. But! What if we hadn't. What if we'd gone through years of painful infertility. Come one people, does a person really want to discuss that difficult issue with complete strangers. Get a clue!!!

As far as the money issue.... we are asked it often, especially when we had Teeter. I would smile and say "He has 15-20 appointments a week, several are an hours drive away, he screams and flails violently every time we tried to feed him, his alarm goes off multiple times each night sometimes waking ALL the kids for hours... how much SHOULD we be paid?" (I didn't say it to imply Teeter wasn't a great kid, but I don't think people understand that with ALL foster kids, they are not typical kids with typical lives and many times we are put through the wringer trying to do our best for them - I don't think compensation is the worst thing)

[suburbanmomgw]

My hat is off to you! The responses are great! I find people are rude when they are curious or well meaning. Having a large family makes people crazy--they just can't help themselves. But it's not about $, it's about family!

[Again!]

My favorite don't judge by appearances story...when I first attended our church down near Houston, the associate pastor's wife and the pastor's wife looked me over with my 5 Hispanic kids in tow, and one said to each other "oh my, that lady is going to need a lot of help" (thinking financially). They told me about that conversation after we became friends, and we all had a good laugh. Happily, as a surgeon, I was one of the church's largest donors (it was a small church :>).