[chickymum]

Last night a friend called to see if DD could come for the night on Sat. I said sure because she is homeschooled now and does not get to see kids outside of the family very often. BUT......my anxiety has skyrocketed!

I have tried to explain AD to this mom before and she just kind of shrugs it off as if to say "I have raised 6 kids, I know what I am doing". Oh and I know everyone here knows that she sooooo has no clue.

Now we had a very fun but busy summer which was waaaay to much for DD. By the end of the summer her behaviours had regressed quite dramatically. She has really done a 180 though, since school has gone back and we have fallen into a rather strict routine as well as being able to give her a lot of 1 on 1 again. I am not sure if is it too soon to be letting her go for a sleepover? That is not my main concern though. My main concern is how DD will behave. She always gets into mischeif (thats putting it nicely) when she is at a sleepover.

Do I try again to explain to the mom that she can and will steal? Also that she can and will lie about it or anything else?
Do I explain that DD can and will corrupt her good girl in ways that even an adult has a hard time understanding?
Do I tell this mom that she will not believe me until she sees it for herself?
Do I just let DD go and let this mom find out for herself?
Do I just say no to the sleepover?
Should I ask the other girl to come to our house for a sleepover instead?

The hardest part is she has done some fairly devastating things like accuse others of having abused her and I don't even want to say what happens when the lights go out or when she is alone with another child behind a closed door. I am the one who ends up looking bad because I am the one raising her.

AAAARRRGGHH I told you I feel like I am going crazy with this. WHAT DO YOU ALL DO?

[crick]

With the possibility that she would accuse someone of abuse, I would advocate for the sleepover at your house instead of hers. (assuming you have precautions for safety in your own home) Use this as a "testing" sleepover to see how she does and it also might make it easier on her behaviors if she is at home.

Kind of a build up to possible sleepovers out if you will. I did this with all my kids first and they didn't have severe issues, just felt better about doing a sleepover at home first before allowing them to do it elsewhere.

[lucyjoy]

If her sleeping over puts the other child at risk, then no, they shouldn't sleep over.

Explaining will do you no good and just make you seem crazy.

[chickymum]

One more question. Does anyone know of any good handouts to give to the mom? Something that she can read that does not make me look like the crazy mom.

I have spoken to this mom in the past and told her that any get together for the girls NEEDS to be in the open. NO closed doors and pick a place for the girls to sleep where they are not left in too much privacy. EG in an open rec room rather than the bedroom. The mom seemed to be good with that.

DD is the type to convince the other girl that she needs a snack and they should try to get the snack without any one seeing them because it would be more fun that way. Translated into: "I will teach you how to steal and don't worry if we get caught, watch me make the adult think we did not do it."
And the sad thing is, is that DD is so good she will get away with it. She knows full well she will be able to fool these newbies 100%.

DD has not made any accusations in quite a long time. I am not sure if she still would do it or not. I think the upset it caused last time was too much even for her. Feels scary for me to take the risk. This mom is aware of the last time so I am not sure how fast she would believe DD.

[Peggy]

I Have let my daughter go on sleepovers and more often than not I have regretted the decision. It does not matter in some ways how much you prep the other parents.

[lovemy6]

My son lies,steals, and cheats. NO WAY will he be going on a sleepover unsupervised by dh or I. He is in scouts, but dh ALWAYS attends all the functions and sleepovers. When he's older (he's almost 12 now), he MIGHT be allowed to have a friend sleep over here,but NO WAY will he ever be allowed to sleep over somewhere else.

BTW, my oldest two (bios) never slept over at anyone's house bc of my fear of SA. They lived!

You KNOW there's no way to prep the mom for what your dd is like. Would YOU believe she's like that before you lived with her? Others don't get "our" kids. We have to do what we have to do and if we look crazy to others, oh well, we are anyway

[AmyAnne]

IF you go through with it....

Make sure she gets to bed early for 2 or 3 nights. I know Austin can hold the exhaustion-related tantrums at bay for up to 3 days if we do not intervene.

[waited2long]

I'm with Lucy, if there is a chance of...

"The hardest part is she has done some fairly devastating things like accuse others of having abused her and I don't even want to say what happens when the lights go out or when she is alone with another child behind a closed door. I am the one who ends up looking bad because I am the one raising her. "

Then I would say a sleepover is a bad idea, at either home...

If you really want to try it, do it at your house and have the actual sleeping occur in seperate rooms. Maybe have your daughter sleep in your room, so you know where she is the entire night.

[eyejustam]

There is no way I would let her spend the night any where. You can not prepare someone who has the attitude of "I have raised 6 kids". It does not matter how many she has raised if one of them was not like your DD. You can not guarantee the other childrens safety either at her house or yours unless you plan on staying awake all night to watch them. It is not fair to the other child or your DD. Oh and I raised 6 of my own and 2 of them where like your DD. I'm working on raising the 7th one now and he is like your DD. And no way, no how, no shape or form of sleepovers EVER. Just my .02 worth.

[waitinginnj]

I don't get this. This mom knows that your child has issues with sexual abuse, dishonesty, theft etc. and is willing to have her sleep over?

I would limit to a sleepless sleep over. She can go to her friends and do all of the sleep over activities, but you pick her up at 10:30 or 11:00 and she sleeps in her home.

I hate sleepovers. My daughter isn't allowed because I don't trust her behavior due to some hyperactivity. I can't fathom that it is a good idea under these circumstances.

As hard as it is, I would be saying no.

[kretzklan]

I'm just getting the hang of this AD thing...so take this for what it's worth. We have allowed DD to have a couple of sleepovers - she has SO much trouble making a friend, when one actually likes her enough to invite her over - I want to try to forward that relationship. I tell the parents that DD must sleep in an open room. I tell them that she may not have any physical contact with any one - not children or adults. My DD doesn't have the food issues so many of you deal with - except over-eating. So I tell them (in front of her) what she's allowed to eat. I also call them at 8 pm, 10 pm and 8 am (depending on pick up time). I ask direct questions at those times. She has been picked up 2x due to the answers. The two she made it through were impressive and she was very proud of herself...knowing she had followed guidelines I set. One of the families has "left" us since then...I think that I freaked them out...but oh, well! I have never let her go to parties with more than 4 kids...just too much of a chance to work it out.
My DD is a abuse reporter - and I never thought of her claiming it with another child...the sleep in the open was just something that we thought seemed safer. I guess I need to put that on my "think about it" list.

[Lorraine123]

I would not risk it. It isn't right to put another family at risk. It is also unhealthy for your dd to be a positiion where she can con adults. Sleepovers are not essential to a happy childhood.

There is really nothing you can say or give to this mom to convince her. I get that alot - "I have raised 5 kids...." Well, you haven't raised mine, I can guarantee that one! But if you try to explain, like "she is very sneaky", you get "yeah, my children would sneak around sometimes too." or "She works hard to triangulate adults" you get "My children will ask their dad sometimes when I say no." or "She will make false accusations" they say "But I know they aren't true", but when it gets down to it, its this really convincing kid making the accusations.

Don't even try to justify yourself. I guarantee that you will end up looking like the crazy one. Gurantee it.

[chickymum]

I should be more specific with the sexual abuse accusation. A few years ago when DD was about 6, she decided at another sleepover that she was was going to swap 'sex stories'. She was not deliberatly trying to accuse anyone, she was just enjoying the shock factor that was appearing on her friend's face. The other 6yo told her mom and of course and there was an investigation of my older son who at the time would have been 8 or 9.
The girl at the first sleepover and DD seemed to be always into discussions and actions that were not appropriate.

DD has on multiple other occasions talked others into doing very inappropriate things with her but those were over a year ago. She has not had an oppurtunity to do these things again because I have not let her have a sleepover since.

Do these kids grow out of their innapropriate actions? The girl who has invited her this week end is a year older than her. Does that make a difference?

I wish that I didn't say yes already. I was just caught off guard so I agreed right away.

[lovemy6]

A mother's right is to change her mind

Call up the other mom and let her know that you're sorry to disappoint her dd, but your family decision is that your dd will not be able to make the sleep over. Don't let her talk you into anything. In the future, you can say, "Thank you for the offer, I'll let you know." I learned the hard way not to feel pressured into saying yes to save face. I will pay for it later...my child will pay for it later. Better to be upfront.

[waited2long]

You could claim prior plans, then take all the kids to the movies or someplace as a "cover"...

Or, better in the long run, be honest. Just let everyone involved know that you thought about it and have decided it is not a good idea.