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Originally Posted By Deana

Thought I would ask all of you how you have handled some of these problems. They are all with our oldest daughter who is 12.
First is constant lying. Soemtimes to get out of trouble, sometimes to get attention and other times it makes no sense. And by constant I mean all day everyday to where we have trouble believing anything that she says. Some of this when I ask her about it she doesn't seem to see it as lying. She even tried to lie to my husband about my husband!
Next is doing just the opposite of what she is told. Like yesterday she wanted to ride a bike that she is way to big for and my husband told her to put it back and he turns back around a few minutes later and she is riding it anyway. I found a bunch of dirty socks and underwear in her dresser drawer so I told her don't put them in there put them in the laundry so then I find dirty clothes under her bed a few days later. Any ideas? these are just a few examples.
Then yelling she wants to leave and hates it here because she got in trouble and then she proceeded to spend hours after they went to bed telling her sisters that she wants to leave and would rather live on the streets and eat grass then live here and she tells them she is going to get pregnant and married so she can move out then she will leave her husband and baby and be on her own like she wants (as her cousins did). When I talked to her later she said she was just angry and doesn't want to leave. Ideas please.

Also on a totally different subject does anyone know any sites I can order AA hair products from. The girls had some gel called ZOTOS Acclaim Hair Shiners Styling Gel and it works wonderful and now we are out and I haven't found a place that carries it yet.

Thanks for any help in advance. Deana

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Originally Posted By louise

to go back and reformat your post? It is very hard to read when y we have to scroll across, the eyes get a bit confused!! lol. If you can't don't worry, I'll try to post some ideas soon.

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Originally Posted By Kena

Some suggestions (a la Love and Logic) for lying children (recently shared with a good friend :-):

1. Ask the child "Do you think I believe that, or do you think I don't believe that?". This, of course, must be done with empathy, neutrality, and sincerity -- NOT with sarcasm. The idea is to help start a dialogue about why someone may or may not believe what the child is saying, and the consequences of not telling the truth.

2. When a child is caught in a bald-faced lie (you saw him/her do something that he/she is denying): Simply "I don't believe you". If the child protests, that they are telling the truth or you never believe me, etc., "That may be true, but I don't believe you". The focus is on you, and your non-belief, not on whether or not the child told the truth. This avoids brain-numbing, circular reasoning, and hopefully helps the child focus on the consequence of his/her behavior -- not being believed because they are lying.

Don't know if this will help your child, but letting the child deal with the logical consequences of her actions usually helps kids learn to take responsibility for and change their behavior. A logical consequence of lying is that people do not trust you. You can only control your own behavior, but I imagine there are many ways to communicate your lack of trust at this point (with sadness, empathy, and hope for a different future). The same for the laundry -- take care of yourself and set a reasonable limit that you can enforce: "I will be happy to do the laundry that is placed in the hamper." The thing is that you then have to let the consequences of her choosing to put her dirty laundry under the bed unfold -- namely no clean clothes! Of course this must be done with no fanfare, lecturing, or fighting, and with empathy.

Just some suggestions -- Good luck and keep us posted!

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Kena,

I was at a loss when I saw this post. I really appreciate your suggestions and will keep them in mind going into a placement situation.

Is this a book? I am very interested in getting a copy.

thanks,
brydy

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Originally Posted By louise

really does work, not only with 'our' kids but with the regular kind too!!! Available at Amazon etc.

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Originally Posted By po

We are having the same problem with a 13 year old. filthy mouth, constant lying, won't do jobs cause normal kids don't have to do them. Trouble at school, hates sibs. Tell her no and that is the one thing she will do. Wants to do what she wants to do, not what she is supposed to do.
Good points, loves her dog which she has trained and shown. She is good at it. I fell in the grocery Saturday and she handled it very well. She was in her element since she wants to run things. I spent two days in the hospital with a concussion and what they at first though was a broken tail bone. It was carelessness on the stores part.

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Originally Posted By Shelley

I am a stickler for honesty...set the example by showing that you will be honest by answering any question.
I ask 'is this a silly story or the truth?
I reward with privies for honest words.
Talk about how important trust is....if you are not telling me the truth how can I let you play out of my site.
This has worked for us but we still have the problem of story telling. We take away playstation, freedom or something that the child has to earn back.

I found Kmart and Walmart and the grocery store carry differant hair products for AA hair and they can order what you need if they don't carry any.

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Originally Posted By Deana

Sorry I didn't get back to reformat my above post. I found out yesterday that along with putting dirty clothes under the bed, she also has wet the bed at least twice and then hid the wet clothes under the headboard and behind the mattress, you can imagine what that smelled like. I wondered why she was sleeping on top of her blanket instead of on the sheets, This would be why. There was no history of bedwetting that I know of so I don't know if this is an emotional thing or because she hasn't gotten enough sleep and gets too tired or what? Any ideas? Also have any of you had kids that were totally different at school than at home? I know kids are usually better behaved at school(mine are anyway) but it appears that at school she is acting like the child we had for preplacement visits and then she comes home and acts totally different. All of her teachers except the homeroom one has given her rave reviews and just loves her. Did any of your kids do this? Thanks for the advice.

Deana

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Originally Posted By AC

But you need to check out Sally's, ACE, or Star's Beauty Supply as an example. Be careful with the gel and AA hair. Make sure that you wash it out or there will be some breakage. Also, make sure the girls are practicing some good hair care routines and not washing their hair everyday or it'll dry out for lack of moisture and oil. Good Luck!

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Originally Posted By Shelley