[momraine]

After I sent M to bed, he came back out with a note for me. I will type the note and then the translation (he has some spelling issues). I am hoping that this was not attempt to con me, as he usually saves his conning for other people.

To mom love M
I have a gret famaly
I have much to lern
uboat how famaly take kare uv ech uther
I was rong that a famly wood be mene but thay arnt thay are nis
one thang I lurnd a about a famoly you cat brak love and I am glad that I her and I love you
Love M (he added a heart and what is supposed to be a picture of a hand doing the I love you sign.)

Translation.
To mom Love M
I have a great family. I have much to learn about how families take care of each other. I was wrong that a family would be mean, but the aren't they are nice.
One thing I learned about a family, you can't break love and I am glad that I am here and I love you. Love M

[Original Mike]

If it's not a con, I have to say that I'm impressed.

Hope this is a good sign!!

Mike

[greenrobin]

That is incredibly sweet.

Keep it. Forever.

Lucky momraine!

[momraine]

Well, this is kind of nice after last week. He was horrible last week. I really want to beleive it, but some part of me is afraid to. I guess we will see how it goes in the morning. He was sent to bed after eating dinner very slowly and not finishing it. The new consequence for that is the same food will appear for breakfast and then lunch, etc. So I am hoping that this was not him trying to get out of fish sticks for breakfast. We will see if he still loves me when he does not get his usual cereal in the morning.

[lucyjoy]

What a sweet note.

With M's eating issues, is that consequence a good idea?
Seems it would make refusing to eat a lot easier. Just a thought.

Keep that note to look at on the bad days.

[mrsred]

That really is sweet. With his past, I am not surprised that he thought a family "would be mean". Must have been strange, the years he was in the orphanage... other kids would go... the ones that are left convince themselves that a family is a bad thing... great way to deal with the hurt of not being "chosen".

I am though, like Lucy, wondering if this consequence makes sense for a child with the eating problems of M. Fish sticks in the morning? I wouldn't eat either.

[waited2long]

I hope this came from his heart, it's very sweet and sounds like the things a child with his past may think.

Good luck on the new food fight, I hope it works. One little bit of advice, eventually the food will not be edible, or he'll make it so by mushing it or pouring liquids onto it. Or he'll threaten to tell on you for feeding him old food. So, you might want to make him a fresh coarse of fish sticks (or whatever the previous meal was) instead of re-serving the leftovers. It seems like you've tried everything else, so, maybe this one will work for a little while... Good luck!

[momraine]

Actually he was the first child ever adopted out of either of any of the orphanages he was in. In fact the two directors I spoke to were having a hard time because this was so new to them. He was in places for kids with severe special needs and they had never thought of looking for adoptive homes for them since most people want healthy kids to adopt.
As for the food thing, no other consequence has worked. This only is working for now because he actually eats in school because he cares about how he appears to the other kids and teachers there. He will also hide food there, but they know to watch for it. He won't flat our refuse to eat at school or throw up at school. This morning though we are back to refusing to eat. So I may need to come up with another consequence. I have yet to find one that actually works.

[Lorraine123]

What a great note. Keep it as a reminder on the bad days. I have a few notes that I pull out when necessary.

Food issues are VERY difficult. You really can't control what goes in or what comes out. I feel your pain.

[aspenhall]

Could you try sending him away when it's food time... declare that he's old enough to bring himself to the table when he's hungry.....and ignore him....I really wonder if it's just the easiest way to get attention now....like it may have started as something else initially, but has morphed into this.

Try the shock value of refusing to show up for the battle. It sounds like this has become routine.

The note is sweet, even if it isn't genuine, it came from the thoughts inside his head. He may actually need to win the food battle (make you give up) in order to be able to abandon it. As a teen I felt I had to fight even when I knew I was in the wrong, and I wouldn't win. It was a pride thing that if my mom would have let me alone about it, I would have done things her way or the right way, but in a battle I simply had to fight. I was pretty stubborn. It had a lot to do with self esteem. Admitting I was wrong was an emotional blow that I couldn't take. Now I'm better at it but it still gives me difficulty. I'll argue for years that the sky is green, if I am pushed about it. But quit pushing and I wait a while then come around when I think everyone's forgotten about the issue.

[kay]

That's a great note. I'd frame it! Manipulative or not, sometimes those notes are a reminder of the kid who's really there underneath the sickness and the battles. As to the eating issues - I'm exhausted just reading about it, I can't imagine living with it day to day. No advice, just a lot of admiration for your love and determination.

[lucyjoy]

Why consequence the not eating? Not eating has it's own consequence-hunger. I know your concern is his need for food but adding consequences, in my opinion, just invites futher control battles.

What did the eating disorder clinic suggest you do?

It would seem to me that rather then having him sit for hours trying to eat, those hours might be better spent in a rocking chair with lots of empathy woking on the attachment and the reasons eating has become so hard for him.

The harder you try to force a child to do what they are determined not to do, the harder they will fight it. This is a battle you cannot win with force and a war you cannot afford to lose.

[momraine]

He likes the feeling of hunger is what all the psychs and the feeding docs have said. They said that to just keep giving him food, even when he throws up or refuses. But that is not working. He did eat the fish sticks this morning, so that consequence seems to work, though he waited until he heard me tell my daughter that she only had ten minutes before the bus would be there. Then he ate them very fast. He has actually made himself sick by not eating. He won't eat when he is hungry. He was hospitalized for it in Poland. He went long enough this summer that he got dizzy and felt terrible. Then he finally agreed to eat a few bites and drink something. But only the very minimum to stop the symptoms. The doctors were very concerned that he was loosing weight. I have tried the rocking too, but he won't eat after. If he percieves that he is in control he gets worse. Because I knew he was eating at school last year I started just letting it go at home. Then he stopped eating at school. (this was actually good because it finally showed them there was a real problem and it was not all in my head) The psychologist he was seeing then, had me try several things that involved some sort of comprimise, but each time he would push back worse. For example, last year for a time he was throwing up every morning right before time to leave. So he was making all six kids late for school. So she suggested that I tell him that as long as he ate lunch and supper, he could skip breakfast. He promised her and promised me and was so excited. He was singing the next morning, he was so excited. Then I go to pick him up and the aid tells me all he did was play with his food at lunch. Supper that night is the same thing. We call the psych back and he tells her on the phone that he thinks if he is allowed to skip breakfast, he should be able to skip lunch and supper too. We gave it a couple of days, but had to stop because he was again loosing weight. The eating disorder specialist also said that there is a high you can get from hunger, after the pain part, you get high. She thinks he is getting that. He also no longer knows what full is. You know how when you have not eaten all day and you are starving, how after that first bite, the worst of the starvation goes away? That feeling he considers to be full, like thanksgiving full. So he is very comfortable eating only a couple of bites of food a day. He is also happy with just a few sips of water. He won't let himself get to the point where they will hospitalize him anymore, so we know his goal is not suicide. (he said that once so we watched for a while) They also said he no longer feels normal hunger. He has learned to control it. He also does not need to even put a finger down his throat to throw up, he can just tense his stomach muscles and do it. We go back to the psychiatrist next week and see if she has found a therapist for him. I am thinking now that I just need to keep him alive till get through the attachment therapy and then he will need do deal with the eating issues, becuase now it seems to be a habit. He also does not want to grow, because being little and cute is a huge part of his identity and what he uses to con adults.

[lucyjoy]

I know a little too well the high from hunger and the high from puking.

But it seems to me that all this consequencing and force feeding would just increase his need to control this and cause less eating.

I wouldn't expect the rocking to make him want to eat when your done. This is a long, long, long term process.

Yes, offer him food at meals and for snack but I guess I don't see the point of trying to force it down so he can throw it up. I've never heard an eating disorder program that would suggest sitting the person in front of food for hours or using food type consequences for not eating. The eating disorder clinic itself had no suggestions or these were their suggestions?

While the high is from the not eating/puking it isn't genereally the cause for not eating. The reason behind the need for the high needs to be addressed before anything will work.

And I get that he needs calories to stay alive but trying something a few times and tossing it out won't work. It takes a really long, long time.

I know this has to be so frustrating to watch. It just seems like since he's been to an eating disorder program they'd have given you more to work with then they did.

Hope you are able to find someone soon who can help.

[momraine]

I just realized my last post came out too snippy. I apologize. I really do listen to all the advice and really respect you guys and your experience. I just get so frustrated from trying new things and seeing no progress. Then when I do see signs of progress, I feel like I am a terrible mom for being so suspicious of his motives. How do you get past that? How do you just enjoy progress and not feel like you are waiting for the next problem? It's like someone offers me a gift and I am asking what the catch is. I can't just enjoy it like I did with my other kids. He really is a neat kid, he is smart, amazingly adaptable, adorable (though I never tell him this to his face, but everyone else does) and has so many good qualities. I love him so much, but it's I don't know what I am trying to say. Again if I came across snippy, I am sorry.