[AmyAnne]

You know, Momraine, that was the thing I hated about attachment therapy, even though I think it helped. Was holding my child even as he struggled and screamed and fought against it. My first impulse if someone screams LET GO OF ME!!! is.... to let go.

I can tell you that I think it helped my kiddo in the long run. I can't tell you it was easy

[ajjhmf]

Is there a way for you to separate your holding him from the food issue? I wonder if just taking food out of the equation while you are trying to hold him would help. I've never had to deal with a child with an eating disorder so I'm just guessing here.

You said you let him sit on your lap while on the computer. Even though it isn't rocking, it's still something. Maybe you could spend time with him each day at the computer playing a game with him. It might make the contact less threatening for a while while he adjusts to the new schedule.

I know it's very hard ot hold a child with love when they are fighting you so hard ALL the time. I just wonder if this is something you can do with him that will allow him closeness.

[lucyjoy]

Don't give him food while you rock him if it causes him more stress.

As for rocking-in my house, it's not optional for unattached kids. You might start with smaller amounts of time such as 5 minutes and work up. It helps if you can do this away from the other kids as well.

If you don't want to rock, Jenny's suggestions are good as well. And planting yourself and him on the floor to play can be helpful.

Any kind of activity that can cause positive touch or eye contact. Bubbles can be good. Peek a boo games for kids that missed them as babies can help with attachment too.

I would have expected him not to ask for any food the first day as he has to test to see if someone will force him.

I would sit him in a chair at meal times with food and water until meal time is over.

How soon will you find out about a therapist?

[Lorraine123]

An unattached child must learn that they can be in mom's arms and it isn't threatening. They need to know that mom is strong enough to hold on during their struggle. Lucy is right that it is not optional. Its not fun, but in time, they do learn to trust more. My daughter will let me hold her now, she still won't look in my eyes while holding, and she does sometimes fight, but certainly not like before. She will even ask me to hold her and tell her what I would have done if she had come to me as a newborn. I also tell her all the good things about her, which makes her very uncomfortable because she feels there is nothing good about her, but now she will ask me to do it. Even though she squirms, she says she likes it. I feel that holding is essential to attachment. Without that closeness, you can never break through their walls.

[momraine]

I have been looking for excuses to hold him all along. Like in church I hold him in lap often and I hold him when we stand up for songs (so he can see the words, not that he cares, but he accepts it there) I also do a lot of lifting him in and out of chairs and such instead of letting him climg and I always kiss and hug him. Dh has been reading to him at bedtime, but sometimes I do it. (he prefers dh). I usually carry him to and from the car, as he would get filthy on the ground. His physical issues lead to a lot of opportunities for holding him and picking him up. As for the not making him eat. We did that this summer and he went four days without eating anything or drinking. When he got sick enough I was ready to take him to the ER, he finally ate and drank, but only a little bit. All the therapists who have seen him agree that on his own he will not eat and drink enough to be healthy so he must be forced to eat more than he wants. However I am working on making it be less of an issue. He ate very little at breakfast and lunch today and I said nothing, but he ate fine at dinner, so over all he got enough calories. He has lost one pound and I am watching it. He is still severely underweight, but at this point I am happy if he can just maintain, though the docs want him growing. He has stopped throwing up and I count that as awesome progress. The appointment I thought was this week, but it's the week after. (We have ortho and eye appointments this week and I was mixing one of them up with they psych appointment)
We have pretty much decided he needs to be our last kid. I turned down working this year so I can be available to drive him to appointments and do whatever else is needed.

[momtutu]

I did not even think about him pulling out the tube! My son also has to be forced to eat or he will starve himself to death. We can not make eating an option. He is also developmentally delayed so he has not thought of pulling the tube, thank goodness! Attachment is not an issue for us though. His problem is the result of a poorly diagnosed digestive issue. Feeding problems are the worst. Nobody quite understands until they go through it with their child. We count his calories every day at every meal. He is still very small for his age, only 36 pounds at five years old. You are in my prayers.
Lisa

[GCS]

The letter was great! I would frame it and hang it up!

[qs mom]

I held and rocked Q at least twice a day. I followd some of dr. Art's advice and did it skin to skin contact. I wore a tank top and he wore no shirt. I held him so that his head was near my heart so that he could hear and feel my heart beating.

He fought me, still does when he's mad. It's been 5 years and I know that he still needs this a couple of times a week. When we slack off, but do I pay for it.

I would hold and rock him through the anger, keep telling him that I loved him and kiss him. He would/does scream at me, thrash his head around so that I cannot kiss him. I keep telling him it is ok to get mad, I still love him even when he is mean, nasty, etc. He screams that I'm hurting him. I assure him that I am not hurting him, I love him, he is safe with me. He will then 'break' and cry, snuggle close to my heart, kiss me and tell me he loves me.

This is NOT easy. It broke my heart to hold him through the struggles. To hol d his hands or feet because otherwise he would smack me or hit me. To keep holding him after he bit me so hard that I was in tears and bleeding.

We did a similar thing with little candies. My son likes Sour Patch kids. He likes sour stuff. What we did was, we sat facing each other. I would hold the candy in my hand and touch to his face in different areas, he had to keep his eyes on my hand, I would be sure to bring my hand across my face so that he had to look into my eyes and eventually I would place the candy in his mouth. This may not work for you, because of the eating disorder.

Another thing that really helped the attachment here was 'paint' soap, foamy soap, and that kind of thing. I would put in his skin and draw in it. I would put the paint type soap on his belly and draw his name in it. He would rub his hand in the paint on his belly and try to get it on my face, or hold hands with me so that he could squish the paint between our fingers.

Something you could do with all of the kids is paint with pudding. Maybe the messy fun and licking of fingers could promote sib bonding, and possibly eating. And mom - join the messy fun!

They make edible bubbles. They call them candy bubbles and you can get them at Toys R Us. Q's therapist used this for attachment with him. I did it too. Blow bubbles and then both of you try to catch them on your tongue. We had Cherry flavored ones.

[momraine]

Thanks, I will try some of these. I thought I could rock him till he calmed one day last summer when everyone was gone. We lasted over three hours, and then it just did not feel right to keep fighting. I told him that I loved him anyway, but let him sit beside me instead. He was willing to that and we read a book together. That worked much better than trying to force him. I think he was restrained when he was in trouble. I know he was in a crib and he was punished by being put in that crib after spankings. So I think the restraint really scares him. I have been actively looking for other ways to touch and hold him. Today in church he actually wanted to sit in my lap, so I think it's working. He was furious today at lunch when I told him we were going to have rest time after lunch because we were up very late last night and he was falling asleep during breakfast. So I decreed a "quiet time" for everyone after lunch. He hates quiet time, he would rather play video games. I fully expected him to refuse to eat, since he usually does that when he is mad. However, he ate two natchos. (that's a lot for him) and he did sleep during nap time and afterwards told me thank you, and said he was tired and felt much better after a nap. So I think we are making progress.