[AmyAnne]

Austin told me this week he knows that his birthparents did things that were wrong because otherwise they'd still have their kids. He wants to know everything we know about his birthparents.

He's 11. I think we'll go slowly and see how it goes.

Any advice on how to proceed?

[Barksum]

Oooo. I'm interested in the responses to this one, too. We've told our kids some bare minimums; Bio mom and dad had drug addictions, were unable to take care of anyone, not even themselves. I don't think my kids have even realized that there are 1/2 siblings out there yet. I do not plan to give full disclosure until they are adults.

There is some pretty horrific stuff that is more informational about the bio family vs. what happened to my kids directly while in their bio parents' care. This is not something I plan to share with my children with cognitive delays and/or emotional problems. I'm thinking maybe when they're, oh, about 50 or so we could have a chat about their case files. Ok, ok, our state is an open adoption records after they reach majority state, so that can't happen. But if I had my way that's what we'd do.

[AmyAnne]

I'm thinking first, we'll do this in installments.... leak a little information. Let it soak in, bring it up again later and see if he has questions.

The best time to talk to Austin is in the car. Because he doesn't have to look at me and he can pretend to read. This is where he and I have our best talks. While I'm trying to merge 3 lanes over is when Austin comes up with "By the way, why did my birthmom pass out?" or whatever.

[aspenhall]

I give a brief overview with minimal details....and when he asks specific questions, he's old enough for specific answers....OR, if something is still to terrible to hear, or traumatizing, I simply tell my dd, that "it's complicated, and if I told you all of it right now it would only hurt and confuse you more. But I DO have the information and when you can understand them better, then I'll feel better about telling you."

That works with all the "where do babies come from" questions as well!

If I told her she was too little she'd take offense, so I avoid saying that. But I do explain that some of it still confuses me even, as a grown up....and she feels better. I think she's more fine, knowing that I know, and she'll find it out eventually ....she'd be worse off, if I claimed I didn't know.

I found out ANOTHER GEM 2 days ago.....I spoke on the phone to her ex-stepdad who is raising ehr brothers, and found out her bmom has had a baby boy at some point, in addition to having the baby girl in 2007 that we did hear about. I still don't know how to tell A that bit of news.....it will only make her hunger for info about him....and we still know nothing about the girl...and she lamented to me just yesterday about wishing she could see what her little sister looks like (bmom never sends any pics or info)...
I worry it'd just be another little piece of her heart ripped out. And then she'd want to know how I found out, and she'd understand that her bmom won't tell us any news, but DOES speak to her brothers.

[athikers]

I have read in several different books that your child should know EVERYTHING prior to reaching the teenage years, because after that they "won't believe you" (so to speak). So, according to those books, kiddo is right on time with his questions. Of course that doesn't make it any easier!

[lucyjoy]

Small doses of info sounds good and gives him time to digest the info and aske questions.

I tend to ask a lot of questions and play fill in the blank.

Things like, "What do you remember?" If I get feed back that is wrong or incomplete, I correct it such as , "Well, what I know from your paperwork or wherever I know it from....and that usually spars more conversation.

These really aren't fun conversations to have. For kids that moved a LOT, the therapist helped me sort their records and put timelines together to help them understand the pieces of their past.

Expect some backlash from this-sure you know that, but still, it's no fun to think about.

[Joy2566]

My policy is that I never lie to the kids, I just don't share all the information I have. If the kids ask a question, I answer it fully and truthfully. For a question like tell me what you know about my birth mom, I would ask them what they want to know. It has not always been fun to share this information and I have taken flak from the CW for answering some questions, but I absolutely will not lie to the kids. They have learned to trust me as a result. It is interesting that we have some of the best conversations with my 16yo in the car too. This is fun as he is deaf, but also has a hard time looking me in the eye when talking about the hard stuff.

[marythemom]

Anyone else have trouble with biofamily telling the kids stuff? My kids were 11 and 13 when they moved in with us. They already had family member's phone numbers memorized. I asked some of the family to please not share information about biomom (including info about her latest abusive man or the fact that she's pregnant). Found out later that they didn't listen and told my son, who told his sister, who couldn't handle it and had multiple meltdowns. He can't handle it much better.

I generally try to tell them stuff in therapy when I know I have to (told daughter about new baby on the way when she was going to be talking to her half sisters - who still live with biomom). If they find out before that I usually say that I was waiting till we could talk about it in therapy. I agree, small bits a little at a time, and if you can, do it in therapy.