[missw005]

Today my mother sent each of the boys a card. She's done it before, and they're usually fine - I miss you, love you, etc.
But today's were a little overly guilt-filled and I'm not sure if I should let the boys have them (right now) or not.


J's (he's 9) says:

Dear J -
No matter what happens, you'll always be special to me.
I hope someday I can see you again. I miss you, Q, and your mom.
I'm sorry this sorrow has happened.
Grow strong, and always believe in yourself. You are a bright and caring person.
Love, Grandma

Q's (he's 6) says:
Q -
You are a joy to many people's lives. I know you are growing big and strong. I miss you, J, and your mom.
Maybe someday I can see you again. Until then, know that I love you.
Love, Grandma


Hmmmmm...........now that I'm rereading them as I'm typing them, maybe they're not so bad??? Perhaps they just feel so over the top as it feels to me like she's going to die or we're moving to the end of the world? (the house hasn't even sold yet)

And for crying out loud, she saw them for several days earlier this summer when they went to her group's art camp.

Ugh, I don't know.............and y'all know I don't see things clearly and rationally when it comes to my mother.

What do you think?????

I think Q will love getting a card and will put it in his room somewhere, forgetting about it in a day or two. He just loves getting mail.
But J will re-read it, over and over, and obsess about it. He struggles with this whole issue, and it seems that he's finally somewhat fine with it and doesn't obsess about it constantly. I hate to get all this started up again when he's about to head back to school, which will bring up a whole other load of issues.

They did see the cards - they don't know who they're from - when they got the mail, they got all excited thinking they'd been invited to a birthday party.......(sigh)

I wouldn't throw away the cards, just maybe wait until they're older? Or understand the situation more? Ugh, I just don't know.

I'm open to all comments/suggestions.

Thanks,

Sandy

[GaViolet]

I don't have any advice but I hope you figure it out. Thoughts are with you.

[lucyjoy]

"I'm sorry this sorrow has happened" is a bit overboard for a child. and "I hope I can see you again" is a bit of a triangulation. I would NOT give something like that to my kids. How sad for you mother that she'd use a kid like that.

[waited2long]

Could you umm, well, re-invent the cards?
Cut off the part she wrote on and use your computer to retype the lines that are okay? Then tape it to the card.

Like,

Dear J -
You'll always be special to me.
I miss you, Q, and your mom.
Grow strong, and always believe in yourself. You are a bright and caring person.
Love, Grandma

Q -
You are a joy to many people's lives. I know you are growing big and strong. I miss you, J, and your mom.
Know that I love you.
Love, Grandma

I know it's a little dishonest, but censoring things is a Mom's job, right?

[CaddoRose]

If you feel the 9 yr old will obsess over it, then I wouldn't give the cards to the kids now. Especially as you say, school is about to start and they don't need to have that on their minds right now.

I'm just wondering what Grandma was thinking in writing something like that to a 9 yr old. I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I can't see any 9 yr old reading that and feeling like Grandma really loved him. You know how kids are, they think that everything that happens, happens because of something they did, so words like that could lead to some problems for him. If that one line wasn't in there, it would be fine.

PS- do you have a big black marker or some whiteout???

[athikers]

I'm with waited, either censor them or don't give them... ever. They don't need "nastigrams" as I used to call the letters from my dad. You are right on, they are guilt-laden and you are working hard to protect the boys from grandma. Keep doing what you are doing.

[lovemy6]

I'm a Grammy and I can't imagine writing something so hurtful to my gdd. What's wrong with "I love you. Study hard in school. Be good for your mom. Love ...."

[AmyAnne]

I think it'll set off J. I wouldn't do it.

[kay]

I agree with the others, and with your instincts. I wouldn't give them the cards. You're a great mom!!!!

[Lylac]

Nope Nope, I wouldn't let them see them. W00 is your addy on our list? If not pm it to me, and I'll send them some cards/mail from my kids. I'm sure that would take their minds off seeing the one's from gr. ma in the mail.

[Barksum]

I think Ath hit the nail on the head: 'Nastigrams'. These cards were more for your mom than for the kids, IMO. If they were for the kids they'd be like Lovemy6 and others suggested.

Had to come back to add that when I saw this on the list of new threads I thought it said 'Grandma QUILT Cards'. I was all excited to find out what it was. A new crafting project, where they crocheted pretty pictures cards together? A bunch of cards featuring pictures of quilts made by grannies?? ROFL

[SuzBerg]

Barki - I thought it said Grandma QUILT Cards too and thought "ooohh MissW is so creative, I wonder what kind of cool kid craft she's thought of."

Okay I guess I should go post my "Dork Moment" now

[kay]

I thought the same thing - "Quilt cards? How cool!!"

[jjjjmom]

Besides the sorrow part I can only "see" a sad grandama. I think the cards just reflect the way she felt at the moment she wrote them, she sounds overwhelmed and sad. But you know your mother and probably can read between the lines. Best wishes to you.

[missw005]

Well, it turns out that J did realize they were from Grandma. He asked if he could have the card, I said no, there was some stuff that was inapproriate in them. I told him she said she missed him and loved him, but left it at that.
He seemed to accept that somewhat.......so I'm not sure if that'll be it or he'll bring it up again later today once he's had a few hours to think (obsess) about it.
I'm with you, Amy........school starts in less than 2 weeks, and though he's hyper/excited about it now, I don't want to do anything that will set him off before then. (unless we sell and move, of course!!!)

Q, naturally, has forgotten about the card.

And now that I've read everyone's comments, I realize my first instinct was right - they are guilt cards, and not to be shared with my little guys.
I guess after so many years of family crap, I have a hard time distinguishing what's going too far. Too many times of being told that I needed to get thicker skin, learn to let nasty comments roll off my back, that I'm overly sensitive, that I baby the boys..........I could go on and on.
It's an sad feeling knowing that my entire lifetime has been a lot of crap shoved down my throat by my own family, my feelings in total disregard.
But I am thankful I caught on (with everybody's help here!) in time, before I let it become too damaging to my sons. And me. Still.........I struggle with validating what I believe to be true - whether it's my own feelings or my viewpoint on things that happen or are said - because I've had it drummed into my head for so long that I don't know what the heck I'm talking about.

I appreciate you all, so much more than you know. Knowing that not only do you have my back, but also will give me the honest truth (without having an ulterior motive) is something I never thought I would have.

Okay..............enough of the mushy stuff...........just wanted to say !!!!

Sandy