[lovemy6]

I have a new-fostermom friend. She has been asking me a lot of questions about what to expect with her first foster children. I've been giving her our experiences. I told her which therapists in our area accept our insurance, and that she should perhaps call one and see if they click. (We have some good and some VERY bad therapists around here.) Anyway, she's under the impression that love is going to change the kids more than therapy will. I told her that's how we thought in the beginning, but not getting kids into therapy is doing them a disservice. Sw's don't normally get involved in whether the kids go to therapy or not, they leave it up to the fp.

So, friend wants to know how exactly therapy works on a child's mind. How does therapy work, in other words. I didn't know how to explain it to her. Some of our kids were in therapy for years and it didn't work, bc the therapists didn't push the kids to deal with their issues or the kids weren't ready. But in some of our other kids' cases, therapy saved their lives.

How would you explain to someone how therapy works in changing a child's behaviors/thinking?

[Bippette]

I thought the child's therapy was for ME (to keep me from killing them!!) you mean it was supposed to be for THEM!!!

Just kidding. But seriously, she'll get as much support out of the children's counselor as they will. Good counselors have really helped us learn how to manage the extreme behaviors of our kids.

[meshsgrl]

C is starting therapy this week. She thought she had to go to therapy because she was a bad kid!
This is what I told her... you are going to therapy because you have been through some difficult things in your life, you need help to learn how to cope with those things. You are not a bad kid, but you need help working through the things that are/have happened in your life. I am here to love you and take care of you but I am not experienced enough to help you process all your emotions!
Alot of people feel that only weak or bad people need therapy.

[mrsred]

Originally Posted by lovemy6

Anyway, she's under the impression that love is going to change the kids more than therapy will. I told her that's how we thought in the beginning, but not getting kids into therapy is doing them a disservice. Sw's don't normally get involved in whether the kids go to therapy or not, they leave it up to the fp.

I really hate when I am talking to someone that has this attitude. Does that mean, that since after almost 4 and 2 1/2 years my kids are not magically healed that I do not love them enough?

[Lorraine123]

I'm not sure you can explain it.

I know when I went through my classes prior to adoption, I heard them discuss all the issues the children may come with. I remember them saying that almost all the children would be in some sort of therapy. And I sat there and laughed to myself - I mean, I had already raised two children and I had dealt with special needs. I knew how to do it. These other people just didn't know how to deal with these types of kids.

Well, a few years later, they are probably all laughing at me. Only after my child turned my world upside down and had convinced me that I was crazy, did I realize that it was beyond me. I don't believe you can tell someone how disturbed these children can be. I thought I could help her resolve her trauma. And my unconditional love would help her work through it. Ha! She didn't want that love and she didn't want to work through it. I needed help.

I know its hard to watch someone waste valuable time. I wasted two very formative years thinking she would be ok. And I feel very guilty about that, but no one could have convinced me until I was ready.

I know this will probably sound selfish, but "I" had to be ready for therapy. Therapy for these kids is hard. It is heart wrentching to watch your child reveal things that no child should ever have to talk about. They have to relive the horrendous past in front of your eyes. I had to be ready to go on that ride with her.

Give them the information. Let them know you understand whatever they may go through. And I think they have to decide.

[Kansas Girl]

To echo what everyone else has said......

my definition of therapy: someone (the therapist) who provides a safe enough place for a person to face the person's worst/most intense feelings: anger, sadness and shame. Most of these feelings are so intense that the child may feel like they are literally going to die.....when they felt them as a child facing neglect or trauma that may have been true! So it's generally not something one can do on their own. The child has to be ready, at some level, to face those feelings. As Lorraine said, it is very heart wrenching to watch a child go through their toughest emotions. For an adoptive parent to be there for the child in therapy - still loving them as they reveal their most horrible feelings - and for the child to see that the adoptive parent still loves them - goes along way towards facillitating attachment.

Fran

[ajjhmf]

I think the others have covered the "What is therapy" issue well.

So, here's a tale of caution to pass on to their friend. My son's foster parents didn't believe in therapy. He spent 4 years with them and never attended therapy once. Looking back, he was a complete and total wreck when he got here. Perhaps, had he been seeing a therapist, he would have openned up about the abuse he was experiencing and him and his abuser could have gotten the help they needed THEN. Or maybe he would have been able to process the death of his older brother, the loss of his birth family and the loss of the only family he ever knew. Maybe someone would have noticed that he was 4 years old and stuck deveopmentally at 2. His foster parents LOVED him. I have no doubt about that.

Honestly, love just isn't enough with our kids. If it were, there would be way happier stories on this board and from other adoptive parents around the world. We'd be singing the praises of our kids instead asking for new consequence ideas.

J has been in therapy off and on since the beginning with us. I love him immensely. I love him as if I had given birth to him, but I cannot love him enough to heal him. God knows that I wish I could.

[Kerbchek]

Originally Posted by ajjhmf

. but I cannot love him enough to heal him. God knows that I wish I could.

I think that's a good point - many of us could say this.... we wouldn't have become foster parents / adoptive parents if we didn't think we could make a difference...

We like to think we can make a difference, or we would have never signed up for that class to get licensed... and we CAN and DO make a difference... it just may involve utilizing resources available to our children such as therapy...

[Barksum]

Most adults can understand that therapy (having someone to talk with) can help someone who is going through a time of grief and loss. You could explain therapy from the perspective that children who are going through grief and loss (ie ALL foster children) sometimes need a neutral third party (not their parents, not their f-parents, not the cw's) to discuss and help them understand the roles that everyone has and how they are to relate to them. This is very simplistic, of course, and finding a therapist who is capable of understanding the needs of, and working with children who are in the foster system is key.

Speaking as the spouse of a former foster child, foster children may NEVER TALK WITH THEIR FOSTER PARENTS ABOUT WHAT THEY (the child) REALLY, DEEPLY FEEL. Ditto for the cw's, only probably more so. A person who is neutral and skilled in discussing difficult emotional topics with children can be very beneficial for the child. My Dh never spoke to anyone about his most deeply held fears and beliefs until he was in his 40's. No one. This is back before foster children were given the opportunity of having counseling of any sort. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if he'd been able to express his fears to someone 'safe' when he was little.

[aspenhall]

I think of therapy as an emotional "connect the dots" like having a bazillion puzzle pieces and not having a photo on the box to reference....Therapy gives you the photo on the box and a helping hand putting the pieces together....by pointing them out or giving you hints about the piece you're holding...

It's also initially an emotional mirror, for you to be able to see yourself more clearly on the inside.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

As a counselor-in-training (well, taking a break from school, but I got half-way through a master's program), I would say that therapy is primarily about teaching people how to process their emotions so that they can live more fully. Obviously, that's a bit of an idealistic definition and doesn't account for the many different counseling theories out their, but in general, it's all about emotions.