[Kerbchek]

Hey...
I know I haven't been around much lately... but I think we find what we need when we need it... Things really have been going well in our family lately - I really have no major things to report... except one!

J is doing well, he's growing up, calming down, is quite responsible with his chores - and is somewhat sharing my new hobby with me - fishkeeping (ok, we have over 20 fish tanks in our home now... check out the midwest cichlid association web forum, I'm kerbchek there too...

J's even making some friends, has a cool "worker" as he's on the MR Waiver (maybe not for long though, was just tested and since he's improved so much his IQ may be too high for him to qualify for this service - eeks!)

E's doing well, his band is successful and they have played some shows... he continues to make good choices - I'm quite convinced he's not using drugs or anything... he gets along well with his girlfriend... he's kinda lazy, I need to remind him to take care of his chores more than I think I should... he will be attending the alternative school this fall because he keeps flunking classes - and has the attitude that things just happen to him, like he has no control over outcomes in his life... it drives me nuts... but he's so polite, caring, helpful, will always help when asked (just not independent with knowing when to do chores.) he's a great kid... and liked by everyone - and stays very positive (much less "poor me" stuff than when he was younger)

Anyway things are going well, so that's probably why I haven't been around much lately -

Well, you might be seeing more of me now...

Some background:
In May E had his permenancy hearing - pretty routine (every 6 months - I did not attend)... but weirdly, the judge mandated he attend counseling - WEEKLY counseling - he claimed he didn't know why, but willingly went... I thought it was becasue of his choice of clothes (all black) and his gauged ear rings - (that's another whole story) but I still thought weekly counseling was quite excessive with no explanation to me - when I pushed the issue, they agreed to make it twice a month (still a lot in my opintion for how well he had been doing - other than grades and gauged ears)

Anyway, today we had another counseling session and I was asked to come back and meet with E and the counselor - fine, and the DHS worker was there too - ok, weird.

They weren't sure how to start the meeting, it seemed if they had some news to break to me or something - it ends up that since May, they've been working on transitioning him to go back and live with his mother - ok, I'm glad I didn't know before today, becuase now I feel sick about it. Is it strange that nobody would say ANYTHING to me about this - and earlier everyone had played it off to me like they had no idea why E was expected to attend counseling so much - and he kept the secret from me too... I just think it's strange... talk about the ultimate "blindslide"

His mother has been doing well, is clean, has a job, had another baby and was able to keep it... she doesn't have much, but she's doing so much better than she had been in years past...

E was afraid to say anything to me because he was afraid to hurt my feelings... I played it up like I was fine, but inside I am all twisted up - I have no idea how to feel - everyone knows me as, Kerby and his two boys... J ADORES E so much and looks up to him... both are doing well - J will be devistated...

Is it selfish to want him to stay... I know he'll have so many more opportunities if he were to stay with me... but his mother is not being dangerous and has made progress - he's 16 and much more capable of taking care of himself than he was at age 13 when the permenancy decision was made... I thought we had 2 more years as this family unit... it's just been a hard pill to swallow...

In the beginning (2005) I didn't allow myself to attach too much to E because I always knew he would be going back to his mom, but when the permenancy hearing happened (2006), I allowed myself to bond with him more - now I know why he has been not wanting to be home much... and I understand why he didn't want to eat Sunday dinner - even though it was his favorite meal... he's feeling bad about the whole thing himself and it will be hard for him to leave too...

I'm not saying I would never adopt another kid - but I think I can safely say I'm not interested in being a foster parent anymore - this sending them back to their bio family is too much for me to handle...

Even though the soonest he would go would be October... I'm still just sick about this... and I should be happy for him...

Thanks for letting me vent...

[crick]

Oh wow! I'm so sorry you are going through this Kerby! Especially being blindsided like that, that is absolutely uncalled for!

I think you can be "logical" about the situation and still feel all that you do. No apologies needed for that.

(((HUGS)))

[greenrobin]

What a cool kid for not wanting to hurt your feelings.

Granted that there are 12 years between your boy and mine, but Bubba likes to know that if he goes back, then I will miss him.

Funny thing, but I want to know that he'd miss me, too.

Like so much in this world, good and bad come together. Praying that you find all of the good that is in this situation. Remember, even though he's 16, he's still a kid and needs to know that you and he are still tight, regardless of where you are in the world.

So sorry that this caught you off guard!

[lucyjoy]

How horrible that no one told you this was going on! I hope mom lets you stay in his life. Wow-what a hard hit for you. I'm so sorry.

[chickymum]

That is so crazy.What was the reason that you were kept in the dark? Shouldn't the adults know more than the children? What on earth would make them think that it is OK to teach a child to be deceiving towards his own parent.
I am so sorry that you are hurting.

[mrsred]

Kerby, my heart is hurting for you, and you are in my prayers. Like Chickymum, I too am concerned with the message all the adults involved give this young man when they all work together to deceive you. Isn't teaching them NOT to lie one of the things we all work the hardest on with these kids? What about honesty and integrity?

[Kerbchek]

Thank you everyone for the kind words and allowing me to vent -

Originally Posted by chickymum

.What was the reason that you were kept in the dark?

As far as the reason I was kept in the dark, I think anyway, it was E's choice to not let me know... if his mother couldn't do the list of things set up to show she could parent him, why even tell me... but she's doing well... she's passed the test and now it's time to move forward...

I don't agree with that theory... but I think it had to do with E SEVERELY not wanting to hurt me... he is always afraid of making me upset and gets really worried if he think's he's made me mad. We do have a close relationship and I think he DOES NOT want to do anything to damage that relationship...

So what they did kind of makes sence, even though I'm still upset and wish they would have handled it different... and thanks for helping me at least feel justified for feeling weird in this "blindslide" even though I don't think it was indended at all to be a blindslide, it was more than likelty kept from me to keep from hurting me... E knew it would be hard for me.

However, I do think this will change our relationship... I think in E's "fantasy" world... he'll get to keep his room here, keep his cell phone and his dog in our back yard pen, keep all of his bikes and stuff in our garage, be able to bring friends over to stay the night/weekend and do whatever they usually do, call whenever they need rides or need to use my van to haul the band equipment to a show.... and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle those things and the many more items like that which will come up...

Do I let him keep the dog in the back yard? I've been on his case to take care of that dog because it's his... it's not my responsibilbity to take care of his dog... Do I let him keep several bikes in my garage? Should I still let him keep his room here? It's the largest room in the house... Should I still give rides and let him and friends stay the night... I don't want to be a jerk about it... but he really won't be my responsibiliby then... but yet J will love to have him around... I just did not prepare myself for this one and now it's 2 in the morning and I'm still not sleeping becuase of all this....

Thanks again........ you guys rock.

[waited2long]

Wow Kerby, I'm so sorry you weren't given any warnings that this might be coming.

I think as far as all the stuff, his stuff, his room, his rides, his dog... Try to deal with those things later as each thing needs to be dealt with. You'll drive yourself nuts if you try to plan it all out now. First things first, concentrate on the time you have left with him and on dealing with your loss.

Hugs to you, you sound hurt, which is very understandable...

[Tudu]

I don't think you can make those decisions until you talk to his mother about what her expectations are. Will she let him come over? How often? Can he take his dog with him? I think all three of you need to sit down and talk about what you are willing to do and what he wants before you worry too much about the details. I would take time to think about what can't do, don't let yourself be used but don't alienate him.

[Kerbchek]

Originally Posted by waited2long

I think as far as all the stuff, his stuff, his room, his rides, his dog... Try to deal with those things later as each thing needs to be dealt with. You'll drive yourself nuts if you try to plan it all out now. First things first, concentrate on the time you have left with him and on dealing with your loss.

You're absolutely right... I am driving myself nuts... I always over-analyze things - of course he's going to want to be with his mom if he has the choice..... she's his mom - and he can be such a space cadet he hasn't even thought of all those details yet I'm sure...

[athikers]

I will also add that in the life of a dysfunctional parent there is a lot of room between August and October to screw things up. So, though you should prepare, don't disengage from your son if you can help it, because he may not go anywhere.

[Original Mike]

Kerby:

This is really rotten, especially given the great relationship you have with E. If he did not tell you because he wanted to spare your feelings, I think that is actually a good thing.

If he does go home to mom, maybe you can still be a part of his life. Include him on some family outings, remember his birthday, and things like that.

I agree that this part of foster parenting is the hardest. Sometimes, we pour our hearts into these kids, only to have them broken. I know how you feel.

Mike

[lambeausam]

Do you have the opportunity to get to know his mother? Maybe the two of you can create a plan for E post-reunification that allows for visitation, etc that will benefit both families?

Sam

[Boulderbabe]

Dang, Kerby, I'm really sorry you got the news this way. Talk about the mushroom treatment. How could they pretend to consider you part of "E's Team" and then withhold news like this? That is so incredibly disrespectful.

This is so hard. I hope you and E and his mom can all get together to continue the support that you've given E. What you've done is a part of him now, and hopefully this will sustain him as he moves to his new environment.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by Kerbchek

You're absolutely right... I am driving myself nuts... I always over-analyze things - of course he's going to want to be with his mom if he has the choice..... she's his mom - and he can be such a space cadet he hasn't even thought of all those details yet I'm sure...

Well, here's a teaching moment! How about working with E to create a spreadsheet detailing plans for each thing? You guys have got a few months to work through all this, but you could help him learn to plan and take responsibility....