[Daisydelite]

We are adopting an almost 4 year old girl with special needs. She has global developmental delays and will require speech therapy, O/T and sees a physiotherapy.

We are in the pre-placement stages and are currently doing visitations to help her through the transition. She will be home forever around the end of August.

She is amazing and already bonding to us, it's like she has known us forever. A perfect match!

She is babbling right now and says a few words.

Many of my friends and family keeping talking about play dates with their kids the same age.

I really don't think it's anyone's business about her delays and I'm worried about the questions. I'm sure I'll hear a lot of "why isn't she talking/why is she not yet potty trained/why isn't she eating on her own yet"

How do I explain that our daughter has special needs prior to people meeting her? I don't want people to "label" her in anyway. I want to protect her.

To us she is just a beautiful normal girl who has had a tough short life and I want to protect her from anyone saying anything hurtful.

Thanks.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Personally, I like the term "developmental delays" because it emphasizes the fact that the child WILL learn to do things, it will just take a little (or a lot) longer than for most people. If I were in your situation (which who knows, I might be someday), I wouldn't say much up-front and just wait and see how people react. When and if they do ask questions, answer them to the extent that you feel comfortable (i.e. it could be a simple "she has developmental delays"). If the cause of your daughter's delays is known, you my choose to disclose that as a way of educating others, but that is totally up to you. One thing that I think you should do is answer other children's questions -- they will be asking out of curiosity and genuine interest, not because they look down on your daughter, and you will likely find that they are very accepting. I remember when I was in kindergarten there was a 9 year old in our class who had developmental delays, and all the other kids LOVED her and no one ever made fun of her.

[Daisydelite]

Originally Posted by ProspectiveSingleMom

Personally, I like the term "developmental delays" because it emphasizes the fact that the child WILL learn to do things, it will just take a little (or a lot) longer than for most people. If I were in your situation (which who knows, I might be someday), I wouldn't say much up-front and just wait and see how people react. When and if they do ask questions, answer them to the extent that you feel comfortable (i.e. it could be a simple "she has developmental delays"). If the cause of your daughter's delays is known, you my choose to disclose that as a way of educating others, but that is totally up to you. One thing that I think you should do is answer other children's questions -- they will be asking out of curiosity and genuine interest, not because they look down on your daughter, and you will likely find that they are very accepting. I remember when I was in kindergarten there was a 9 year old in our class who had developmental delays, and all the other kids LOVED her and no one ever made fun of her.

Thanks so much for your advice. I like developmental delays better than special needs too.

[aMarylandfamily]

I would start at home with comments to her on a continuous basis of how impressed you are with how quickly and well she is learning to do things and that with more time with you she will learn even more - so if someone were to comment on say "how come she is not potty trained" it will be a natural thing for her to respond herself and or overhear - since joining our family she is learning lots of things she hadn't before and that is on our list ... keeps it positive from her thinking and hearing standpoint ... Every night at bedtime remind her of something she did well (whether old or newly learned that day) so she feels the positive in all she is accomplishing even if she has a day where she regresses - keeps the spirit (and self-esteem) high.

[Barksum]

We've found that, in general, people have been understanding of our kids' delays. They may think our kids are younger than they actually are, but they've not made many comments, even about the one who didn't speak until age 4, or the one who's just now been potty trained one month prior to age 4. There is such a wide range of abilities amongst children that often others aren't as aware as we were of these things. I mean, we were really noticing that our almost 4 year old wasn't potty trained and was just weaned off the bottle, but no one else really paid that much attention.

If there is a direct question, answer it in a positive way. 'Yes, Dd doesn't yet do that, but she's gaining ground every day! We're so pleased that she is learning so much.' Most people take the hint and can figure it out that there are delays, and if they don't they most likely aren't close friends, anyway, and don't need a detailed amount of info.

I rock with my kids and we talk about how much they are learning (even if it isn't a big deal in the child development books!) and what they are doing. Often it is something like not dropping their spoon on the floor for the whole meal, or remembering to say please one time out of the ten times they asked for something. You know, little things. (And often the please is in sign language, so they didn't have to be able to verbalize in order to communicate.)

[bubblebean]

My son 5 has autism. He is loud at times, isnt potty trained andis delayed as well. I used to feel the same way as you, i never wanted to take him anywhere or do anything with my family. BUT... They are our children and we LOVE them. Dont be embarrased, just tell people up front about her, if they react badly you know they are not for you and dont bother with them again. Be proud of your child no matter what others say. Good people will come into your live who will care about you and your child. The only opinion that counts is yours. It took me a while to feel this way. The people who treat you bad are the ones missing out, not you!!! My hubby and I havent had any friends for about 5 years because of this same thing. I took my son to summer school this summer and met a woman who has a son(6) with autism that she adopted through fostadopt and we are good friends now. Our children LOVE each other. She also has a son(3) and a daughter (1) that she got through fostadopt as well. It was worth the wait to find friends like that. God helps us through, just don't give up.

[Lylac]

With my kids I get the "Bless their hearts" kinda comments. And most people kinda baby my kids once they know what happened to them.

The comments that I hate though are the "your such a special person". "there's a place in Heaven for you" Your such a saint..I've got to the point now where I just start saying yeah yeah I've heard it a million times now. Then I tell them that I'm just selfish, I wanted to be a parent.

You'll get good and bad..try not to let it get you down.

[Daisydelite]

Thank you all for your replies.

Yesterday we were at the park working on her walking on different types of ground (gravel, grass, concrete, up and down hills and climbing up and down the play equipment).

I hated the sympathetic looks I was getting from the other parents. We chose to adopt this child and we are proud of her.