[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by kay

Agreeing with Mike and Lucy, because of my experiences with my son. I'd offer to give him a "job" so he could earn some groceries, but anything that he'll "promise to pay back" just enables him. Maybe your son can be trusted more than mine . . .? (Once he gets what he wants, it becomes "but what have you done for me lately?!")

Actually, he definitely WOULD pay it back. I can see there are other reasons for not giving him cash, but at least that one isn't a problem. He's borrowed money in the past and never left me hanging - and the first time he did, I'd never loan again. (I tend to take the attitude that I never loan ANYONE money I'm not prepared to "lose", but thus far have mainly been pleasantly surprised.)

[RavenSong]

Does your son's caseworker know that he is allowing a 15-year-old boy to live in his apartment? I'm not sure what the laws are in your area, but I know that here in California your son could be charged with harboring a runaway (even if the 15-year-old was "kicked out" of his parental home) and also contributing to the delinquency of a minor. I'd hate to see your son get in legal trouble in case "Dusty's" parents decide to cause a ruckus....

[Boulderbabe]

You know, I think a loan is a bad idea. If he doesn't pay it back, you're upset and he's let you down. If he does pay you back, he's learned that mom will bail him out, so he doesn't have to be careful with his money.

If you want to give him a gift or take him to lunch, great. But if it were me, I wouldn't do it with any strings attached.

[JustPeachy]

That one drives me nuts. The room mate is BAD NEWS and shouldn't be there at all. He doesn't pay rent regularly, he doesn't pay back for food he eats...and A. just wants to be "liked" so much that he won't stand up to the kid. Makes excuses for him. Today it was all about how "Dusty" has fallen on hard times (he's there 'cause his parents kicked him out, and I can kind of see why. HE'S only 15!!). How Dusty didn't have a job, and now only works 2 hours every couple of days. I finally got fed up, and said "So eat Dusty then!" ;-)

Maybe if he gets hungry enough, he will stand up to him (not eat him!).

[aspenhall]

I was thinking the same thing.....if he's hungry enough he'll stand up to Dusty......Maybe go buy him a locking box to keep his food in?....or install locks on his cupboards with him...

I agree to give him chores to work off the $$$, but even if he buys food and nothing else, he still hasn't dealt with dusty eating it all....what happens the NEXT time Dusty eats his food? will you need to bail him out again?

I would put most my effort in to showing him and helping him guard his food somehow...then teach him inexpensive foods he can keep on hand.....and at that point have "extra" chores for "extra" cash.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Does your son's caseworker know that he is allowing a 15-year-old boy to live in his apartment? I'm not sure what the laws are in your area, but I know that here in California your son could be charged with harboring a runaway (even if the 15-year-old was "kicked out" of his parental home) and also contributing to the delinquency of a minor. I'd hate to see your son get in legal trouble in case "Dusty's" parents decide to cause a ruckus....

Yes, the cw knows. Apparently he "cleared" it with the kid's parents. (?!). The cw knows that the LAST room-mate had been kicked out of HIS step-mom's house until he could manage to pass a drug test.The cw knows underage drinking is taking place. The cw knows that the bio-uncle they TPR''d on visits the apartment frequently, shows up drunk, and stays over night, and sometimes provides liquor and drinks with A. and his suddenly BIG group of friends. The cw knows A. failed every subject in school the past semester. The cw knows A. got fired from his job for texting his friends all the time instead of working (and in fact bought him a new cell phone after he dropped the first into a hot tub) and then didn't bother to even look for another job for 4 months. The cw doesn't care. The cw's supervisor doesn't care. They tell me "he is doing so much better than MUST kids on SIL...what are you worried about?" Then they stop returning my calls and emails, presumably because it is none of my business since I"m just a former foster parent. They won't hardly talk to the therapist either. And yes, the cw WILL take care of him if he tells him he's hungry - ever time he does, the guy just gives him another $200 voucher, no questions asked. So I"m glad A. didn't just ask for more government money this time, he likes the money but can't stand the cw, so he tends to try to avoid talking to him. I know the cw's job is to teach this kid independence, but he CLEARLY isn't doing it, so me and the therapist are the only shot he has, at the moment. A just turned 17 in March, and this could go on till he's 21. The ages are so bizarre...our legal age of adulthood here is 18. I was told that as soon as he turned 16, A would be considered an "adult" in the eyes of children's services, and could do pretty much whatever he wants...but they're still willing to pay to watch him screw up until he is 21.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by aspenhall

I was thinking the same thing.....if he's hungry enough he'll stand up to Dusty......Maybe go buy him a locking box to keep his food in?....or install locks on his cupboards with him...

I agree to give him chores to work off the $$$, but even if he buys food and nothing else, he still hasn't dealt with dusty eating it all....what happens the NEXT time Dusty eats his food? will you need to bail him out again?

I would put most my effort in to showing him and helping him guard his food somehow...then teach him inexpensive foods he can keep on hand.....and at that point have "extra" chores for "extra" cash.

Good ideas. At the moment I"m putting any plans on hold. In the midst of all this business about being broke, he's announced that he's moving OUT of his apartment and INTO a townhouse with "a couple of roomies". The apartment is $800 a month. The town house will be about $1200-$1300. I don't know if this is actually a "plan" or another one of his fleeting fantasy ideas, but I told him that clearly if he has enough money to be contemplating a move, food can't truly be that big of an issue. I REALLY don't want to end up feeding him AND Dusty, AND whomever else comes by and eats whatever is in the cupboard. I did invite him over here for dinner, but he declined.

[EZ2Luv]

Wow I am not sure where you live but whoever set up this program and living situation failed terribly. It seems all they are doing is enabling him and financing a party house/crash pad. What is the name of the program Party Central?
I would be curious to see the statistics of and success rate of this program/free ride.

Also, I would think if your son was really that hungry he would have accepted your dinner invitation. I can only imagine what it is like parenting these type of kids. I read some of these posts and just shake my head. You parents are saints in my eyes.

I work with a manipulative segement of the population (substance abuse) and I can tell you at the end of they day I am am glad I don't have to live with them.
Of course someone like me on the outside looking in can easily promote the tough love approach. Though it must be so very difficult to draw the line when it is your child.
I would think this is where a program with cw come in and help draw that line and enforce rules , regulations and boundries while fostering responsibility.

Obvioulsy this is not happening here and this cw is counter productive in teaching long term living skills. What happens after he aages out of this program? Who is going to hand him cell phones and $200 vouchers? I don't know if this is how this program was set up or if the cw need a reality check himself, but I would be livid if someone was enableing my son in this way. Is there any way maybe a supervisor of the cw can intervene or maybe the therapist can talk to the supervisor. You shouldn't have to be put in this position if he is a program designed to prepare him for the real world and this happening.

God bless you.

EZ

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

Wow I am not sure where you live but whoever set up this program and living situation failed terribly. It seems all they are doing is enabling him and financing a party house/crash pad. What is the name of the program Party Central?
I would be curious to see the statistics of and success rate of this program/free ride.

EZ

You're preaching to the choir there ;-) Our therapist is pretty familiar with this program, and she says the success rate is really dismal. Apparently it is a case where the "numbers" look pretty good on paper, so the government keeps funding it. Expecially due to the myth that there is no where else for teens to go because foster parents don't want them. In our case we DID - and I have since heard from others willing adopt a teen or keep them long term who have then had the kid moved to SIL. The cw's justification is that he HAS to keep enabling the kid because the only other choice is a group home or out on the street. And if he comes down "to heavy" the boy will "turn off". I'll be snide at this point and mention that his OWN two children are high school dropouts and one has a drug problem. On a related note, but not directly related to me, a few years ago three teens vandalized the church across from the high school I teach at. It was caught on surveillance camera. The principal decided that restitution would be that they'd spend their Saturday scrubbing off the grafitti and sprucing up the church grounds. Two of them were in foster care...their CW (guess who!!) stepped in to say that wouldn't be allowed - that is demeaning and humiliating, and therefore child abuse...they'd be happy to pay a fine, but the two would NOT be doing the work of fixing the damage they caused.

[mrsred]

The extent to which the system is failing A and all the other kids is appalling and heart breaking. To know that there is underage drinking and do nothing, to sit and watch these kids head down the path of self destruction is bad enough, but from where I sit it looks to me that they are doing worse than just watching, they are actually enabling. This is the saddest thing I have seen in a long time.

[hydroxybutane]

Hi Stevens,

I hate to agree, but I wouldn't give any money. I live in an difficult area and many of the people that live around me could be your son. I feel bad for them and I always have people coming to the door asking for money, bus tickets, etc. We live on the church grounds. I will refer them to the church office and direct them to services when a priest may be around.

I also always keep "lunches" in the fridge. A sandwich (PB and J), a piece of fruit, cheese stick, granola bar and drink box.

For the safety of my family, I won't let people who come looking for money into the house, but I will offer them a lunch if they're hungry.

I also offer pamphlets on the local homeless shelters, food banks and other things.

I would offer a meal and perhaps directions to a food bank for your son...I don't think I would buy him groceries, especially since he complains his roomate eats his food...

I feel for you, it's definitely a difficult position

[arubagirl]

coupons.....

[RavenSong]

Stevenstwin, I have to say that this caseworker sounds like one of the worst ones I've ever heard about. I don't normally like bad-mouthing social workers...I've known too many darn good ones in my day. But this guy sounds like a real loser and enabler.

I am all for independent living programs for foster teens who are aging out of the system, but at the appropriate age. I don't think kids who are under 18 years old and still in high school have any business living in their own apartments on an unsupervised basis.

I know "A" lived with your family for several years. Was there a specific reason he was placed into this independent living program and is no longer living in your home? Would it be possible at all for him to come live with you again?

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

I know "A" lived with your family for several years. Was there a specific reason he was placed into this independent living program and is no longer living in your home? Would it be possible at all for him to come live with you again?

The caseworker pushed for SIL as soon as Austin turned 16. I'll admit that we'd had some struggles - including briefly having him removed and put in respite in August. His rages had escalated really bad at that point (and I know think that was due to the Strattera I made him try!). When he came back in September, everything was very, very good, and stayed that way without a single hiccup until January, when he left. For one thing, he agreed to try a new medicine, and it was a lifesaver (risperidone). But because of the thing in August (he was gone less than three weeks, and two of those were a pre-planned family visit, so only one in respite), the CW became very, very eager to find a "permanent" solution. So I feel like a lot of this is my fault, for having him moved that time. But on the other hand, we had him for two years and NEVER once asked for respite of any kind other than that time, and in fact had been very eager to adopt and they wouldn't let us! Anyway, that is the reason for the SIL...the cw didn't want to leave him here indefinitely and fear there would eventually be a disruption, so instead he did it this way. the therapist said that she thought we'd be able to keep it together until he graduated, but that even if it didn't go the whole distance, she thought he should stay here every last minute possible, especially with things going SO well and all the family (even my older daughter!) happy. The cw (and the supervisor) disagreed. Again, the view was "get him out on his own and make it feel like his choice so he won't have to experience a possible future rejection."So that is the whole painful "why" of it all. As for taking him back - I can't now. Not with the drinking, not with the contact with bio uncle. Talking to Austin now I can see that his uncle has managed to hit the "rewind" button, and the boy's thinking and attitudes sound a whole lot like when he was 14. I could start over again, but my family can't. I also think that after living on his own with no rules for six months, as much as he THINKS he could go back to being an obedient child, I don't think he really could.

[AmyAnne]

Stevenstwin,

My heart goes out to you. I know how much you love Austin and I know how much this must be killing you. Please PM me if you need to vent or if I can do anything for you.