My Son, the Social Pariah [VENT]

ajjhmf · #1 07-22-2008, 02:07 PM

J (9) has some pretty serious social issues.

The kids his age actively avoid him. Kids don't call him back or invite him over. He annoys older and same-age kids and controls younger kids. The only kids who come over are here to play with H and M and only stay if I keep J otherwise occupied.

We've been working on this for 5 years now, but it doesn't seem that we are making much head way. He's in therapy, but it's slow starting as we are also working on his neuropsych as well. No/stop/leave-me-alone don't seem to mean anything to him. I've been trying to coach him for what feels like years now and am making no headway. The only time he has ANY positive social interactions in when another adult is involved and organizing/supervising it.

This week he's supposed to be going to baseball camp from 1-4. This wasn't a cheap camp and since I have to take H and M home everyday to nap, I can't stay and supervise him. I get back to pick him up in time to see the last drill of the day. Yesterday, he was trying to wrestle with the kid in front of him in line despite the kid shoving him angrily away. Today, he was physically tackling an older kid who looks remarkably like his bio-brother and happens to share the same name as D. He wasn't listening to the coaches and I had to get involved to get him to stop.

I'm just so tired of this. It doesn't seem to matter what we do, nothing changes with him. It's a total nightmare.

Thanks for listening.

Jenny

***crick*** · #2 07-22-2008, 02:17 PM

I'm so sorry this continues to be such a struggle for you all!

No advice..just listening and hoping for different results with the therapy.

aspenhall · #3 07-23-2008, 09:15 AM

If you find anything that works let me know!
I'm having the same issues....

I wish there was a kids book on being respectful.....

kay · #4 07-23-2008, 09:29 AM

Jenny,
I'm so sorry that J (and you!) are still struggling with this. My heart is with you both.

lucyjoy · #5 07-23-2008, 09:55 AM

Is he a visual learner? Would it help to video tape it and have him watch his behavior and the reactions of the other kids? Maybe he could then role play correct behavior?

Other then that and him being in situations that force practice like this camp, I don't know what will work.

ajjhmf · #6 07-23-2008, 01:43 PM

Thanks for listening guys. Sometimes it's just so frustrating to just keep dealing with this same issue.

Taping him in social situations is an idea. I'll have to think about how to do it in a way that is unobtrusive.

He did better at camp today. Andy took him and did come more coaching on the way over there. When I picked him up, he social interactions seemed appropriate, but he's also chewed one of the leather straps of his glove. I'll have to remember to send gum with him tomorrow.

RobinKay · #7 07-23-2008, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ajjhmf

Thanks for listening guys. Sometimes it's just so frustrating to just keep dealing with this same issue.

Taping him in social situations is an idea. I'll have to think about how to do it in a way that is unobtrusive.

He did better at camp today. Andy took him and did come more coaching on the way over there. When I picked him up, he social interactions seemed appropriate, but he's also chewed one of the leather straps of his glove. I'll have to remember to send gum with him tomorrow.

What you describe sounds like he has no control over his impulses. He sounds like a kid with severe AD/HD. Has he been evaluated for that? If he was drug exposed in utero, there is a very real possibility for this kind of damage.

The good news is medication can work miracles.

Maybe ask about this?

ajjhmf · #8 07-23-2008, 02:11 PM

Yes, he's been dx'd with ADHD, but now we're not so sure. He responds to stimulants like they are speed and after 6mo of drug trials I had enough when the wellbutrin we tried sent him into bi-polar like cycles.

We're med free for the summer until his neuropsych in Sept.

We changed his diet and much of his hyperactivity had disappeared. He's very, very sensitive to processed sugars and such.

J's prenatal exposure is a big unknown. B-mom wouldn't admit to anything and he was born in a county where she was unknown so they didn't test for anything. We've always suspected, but can't be sure.

He's LD, PTSD, attachment disorder (healing/healed), SPD, language disordered and delayed. We're testing in August for APD as well.

Every doctor and therapist that has every worked with J has called him a conundrum. He just has so much going on that it's hard to fix.

mrsred · #9 07-23-2008, 02:41 PM

When you see the neuropsych be sure to suggest he be tested for any type of PDD

ajjhmf · #10 07-23-2008, 06:07 PM

PDD is one of the things we are looking at this fall as well. Like I said, he's a real conundrum.

On a positive note, over half the kids on the street were playing at our house tonight. INCLUDING one of the kids J's age. We had kids ranging in age from 2 to 9. J and the other 9yo organized a wiffle ball game with all the younger kids.

People were happy and getting along. J was working very hard at being appropriate and asked for help on how to handle things on a couple of situations. It was really an ideal evening all around.

I just need to remember on the bad days that I sometimes get days like today.

***momraine*** · #11 07-23-2008, 07:27 PM

If you figure it out let me know. M has the same issues. Last year we had problems with him stealing money and small items from everyone in the house, he was giving it to kids at school, trying to buy friends. He would play with his younger cousins when they lived here, but he liked to be the boss all the time. He and P and only 9 months apart, but it seems like so much more. Part of it is he has no experience with normal kids his age. Until right after his 6th birthday he was in a group in an orphanage where he was one of the oldest kids and one of the few kids cognatively normal. So he pretty much ran the place. He bossed the kids and did mean things to anyone who stood up to him. (once he snuck out of bed and cut a girls hair all off with scissors he had stolen and he brags about to this day) He slept in a crib and he played in only one room where a TV played preschool shows non-stop. All the other kids were cognativly younger.
He has no friends. Adults are all crazy about him, but he has never been invited on a play date or a birthday party. Very few kids came to his parties, one year only one showed up and when we invited the entire first grade to a party for him and his cousin only six people showed up. I have been trying to coach him, but it's hard and he doesn't seem to listen. He seems to be socially much, much younger, he is already in school with kids a year younger than him, cause I held him back to learn English and he keeps up academically, but not socially.

marythemom · #12 07-23-2008, 08:35 PM

Except our daughter, H, starts off as super friendly, she's VERY easy-going and extroverted, but has symptoms of borderline personality disorder and attachment issues so the friendships don't last long. She "loves" the friend, then she "HATES" the "former" friend.

Last year many kids came to her birthday party, but she got angry with them for playing with her siblings (she's been known to throw her sister, K - who's younger but in the same grade - under the bus. She tells girls that K doesn't like them, or bands together against K. K is a little introverted so this is super hard for K.) H ended up hiding in her closet with 1 or 2 of the younger girls most of the night.

We deal with all the normal cliques and drama of tweens and teens girls, but much more intense. Last year at camp it came to blows a couple of times. There was no way she could have survived mainstreaming in middle school this last year so we pulled her and put her in a very small private school. Her teacher is one of my best friends and we were able to keep her world very small and safe. This helped a lot.

Good luck and my prayers are with you.

Tudu · #13 07-23-2008, 10:22 PM

I have only 1 socially appropriate child. It makes me incredibly sad for them and even for me sometimes. I want then to have friends but they just don't. You would think we would have kids here all the time but the kids try us out a time or two and never come back. They can't figure out how to get others to play with them or how to interact. It's not like they are mean anymore to anyone, they just can't read social clues.

My 9 yr old learned our phone number and wrote it down 50 times and cut it up like little business cards and gave them out to everyone she saw. No one ever called. I had no idea she had done it until after.

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