[Jensboys]

Hi I just got back from taking my son, now 13, to meet and reunite with his birth family and former foster parents. He was adopted at age 4 and I know I am by no means the only one who as gone through this, or will go through this.

I started a journal, and then moved it to a blog while we were down there. Anyways, you might find it interesting. Start at the beginning.

Our visit included going to a prison, meeting relatives obviously high on crack and my son being asked by his first mother to move back in with them. Needless to say it had its ups and its downs.

But we are home, and doing well, and son and I are closer than ever and our relationship is stronger than ever. For those of us that have adopted older kids and struggled with special needs or attachment daily, I thought this part of story might be a bit different, and interesting.

A Nickel's Worth of Common Sense

[Tudu]

I read it this morning and loved the pictures and how you spelled every day out. I hope you continue to blog now that you have started one. It is a great beginning.

[linda512]

Wow. Thanks for sharing this. It is really interesting to hear about it from your standpoint and your son's. Good luck with processing all of this now that you are home.

[Kansas Girl]

to echo what Linda said, wow - thanks for sharing this. I hope R can meet his extended birth family some day, including the rest of his siblings. He's finally getting to the point where 1) he could handle it, 2) he could process the resulting grief, and 3) it would mean something to him. I need to get busy and write them!

Fran

[Jensboys]

Thanks guys -- I am going to write eventually about why and how I think this was the right time for this - and how come I think so. I want to get out what we did right, and what I would do differently next time. It needs to be noted that our other son, E, didnt go. Had no desire to go and simply wasn't ready.

Anyways, it was an adventure.

[crick]

I've been reading along daily and there were times my heart just broke for you both. I know you struggled with this decision for a long time as did G.

I've not reached the point yet where I think a visit will be good for the kids, but I know the time is coming - especially for dd. I really appreciate you allowing us into this and including us in your reunion.

[ajjhmf]

Jen, thank you so much for sharing your journey. I pray that someday I will have the strength you do and can do something like that for J.

Blessings,
Jenny

[lovemy6]

I cried my way through your journal. I understand the feelings so well. We have OA with the bmom and maternal side of my younger kids' bfamily and OA with the maternal bios of my older kids' family. I just met their gma, uncle, and cousins last year. I was having those same feelings then and they resurfaced reading your journal. It really is so hard! Yet so necessary for our kids.

I can't wait to read about your regrets.

[Jensboys]

Ah thanks. I dont know why ... but lots of people has said it made them cry.

Its such a quandry for us as adoptive parents - particularly of older adopted kids - bringing them back to the people that hurt them originally, while still understanding that our kids NEED this, but also respecting their boundaries.

I hope our journey helps someone else.

[ajjhmf]

I know it made me cry.

Partly because I am an emotional sap who cries at a good Hallmark commercial...LOL

But mostly because of the whole weight of emotions. both you and G experienced. I must say that you have raised an AMAZING young man to be able to do any of what he did. And what an awesome mom you are to support him through it. You are both truly blessed.

[lovemy6]

I guess I cried bc I can see the emotions from all sides.

As the a-mom you want the best for your son. You want this hole in his heart filled. You want his questions answered, the gaps filled. You don't want any pain to come to your child.

As the child, I wanted so badly to have a relationship with my biomom. I wanted her to WANT me. I had this fantasy that when she wasn't with me I was constantly on her mind and she was missing me every second of every day. When I read you journal and heard that bmom was so aloof, it just broke my heart, bc I'm sure G wanted the same thing from his bmom that I wanted from mine. She didn't fill that need, that hole.

As the biomom, I can only imagine seeing my child, the child I couldn't parent as he need to be parented, flourishing bc of the actions of another woman. The woman my son calls MOM. I can't imagine what birthmothers go through.

I know when we have visits with my kids bmom it's so hard on ME, to know they have another woman who is so intimately related to them. So much so that they were once ONE. How much more intimate can you be with another human being. I will never have that intimacy with my adopted kids. Yet, at the same time, I realize that I have something she will never have with the kids, and that's the day-to-day contact with them. I can't imagine not seeing my kids growing up. Having adult kids, I know how hard it is to not see my kids on a daily basis. It's so hard that my son lives 3000 miles away from me. I miss him terribly. I can only imagine that most biomoms miss their kids terribly. They have to live with the knowledge that they are the reason their kids aren't with them. How do you live with that realization?

Your story is so touching on so many levels. There isn't a member of the triad that can't be helped by your story. Thank you for opening yourself up and sharing your journal with us!

[Jensboys]

LOL G is AMAZING and I am a very, very lucky mom. But my sister has decided I am "underselling" the other kids lol I promised her I would show them off next.

E has come through this too with flying colors, but from the other side. He chose NOT to meet his birth family, while his brother, whom he idolizes and adores, did. He gave up privilege, attention, and excitement (all of which he LOVES) to stay home and go to "boring horse camp". I am SO thankful I respected his decision to not go with us. And thankful that we have been ok at processing our return, and experiences, since we have been home.

[Jensboys]

Originally Posted by lovemy6

I guess I cried bc I can see the emotions from all sides.

As the a-mom you want the best for your son. You want this hole in his heart filled. You want his questions answered, the gaps filled. You don't want any pain to come to your child.

As the child, I wanted so badly to have a relationship with my biomom. I wanted her to WANT me. I had this fantasy that when she wasn't with me I was constantly on her mind and she was missing me every second of every day. When I read you journal and heard that bmom was so aloof, it just broke my heart, bc I'm sure G wanted the same thing from his bmom that I wanted from mine. She didn't fill that need, that hole.

As the biomom, I can only imagine seeing my child, the child I couldn't parent as he need to be parented, flourishing bc of the actions of another woman. The woman my son calls MOM. I can't imagine what birthmothers go through.

I know when we have visits with my kids bmom it's so hard on ME, to know they have another woman who is so intimately related to them. So much so that they were once ONE. How much more intimate can you be with another human being. I will never have that intimacy with my adopted kids. Yet, at the same time, I realize that I have something she will never have with the kids, and that's the day-to-day contact with them. I can't imagine not seeing my kids growing up. Having adult kids, I know how hard it is to not see my kids on a daily basis. It's so hard that my son lives 3000 miles away from me. I miss him terribly. I can only imagine that most biomoms miss their kids terribly. They have to live with the knowledge that they are the reason their kids aren't with them. How do you live with that realization?

Your story is so touching on so many levels. There isn't a member of the triad that can't be helped by your story. Thank you for opening yourself up and sharing your journal with us!

Wow. Thanks. You are very eloquent yourself. You got a blog?

[lovemy6]

Also, while I was reading your post on the day that L was so aloof and wouldn't come into the room with G, I was thinking about the stages of grief that she had gone through over the years. She had come to the stage of acceptance, but at what cost? How does a bmom accept that her child is gone forever, that she will never parent him, possibly never see him again? If it was me, maybe I would have found acceptance in the bottom of a bottle. Do you know the Mandisa song "Voice of a Savior"?

I just imagined being L, looking at my oldest son's face, so much like his brother's, and know that I'm not in his life. What mistakes did I make that were so bad that I was forever stripped of my 2 kids? What walls can I put up that will protect the shattered pieces of my heart from falling so apart, so I can parent my other four kids?

The fear that I would have before a RU would be enough to knock me dead. I can only imagine the questions that I would be asked. The parts of my life that I would have to resurrect. Having the worse part of my life brought back to the surface after trying for years to keep it buried.

How many kids do I have was a question that my biomom feared from people. How does L answer that question? If she doesn't admit to having your 2 kids, she was now face to face with her secret. The dirty part of her life that she can never wash away.

When I would look at my fc's bios, I would wonder how differently their lives would be had they been born into another family. Most of them were repeating generations of mistakes. I know that was how it was in my family. There were so many generations of kids in fc. I was determined to be on the fostering side of it and not the losing side. I was blessed to have family members in my life that showed me how to be a good mom. I had a wonderful father and his family to raise me. So many kids don't. They repeat their parent's mistakes and their kids pay the price.

Last year when I met my kids' paternal grandmother, uncle and cousin for the first time (I had my kids for over six years), I was sadened that they were not able to be a resource for my kids. Their lifestyle is very different than mine. Their economic status is very different than mine. But they COULD have been a resource. They just didn't know the system. I wondered at the time if they would have been better off emotionally. If they wouldn't have a hole in their hearts. I just don't know.

I do know that you gave G the opportunity to have some of his questions answered. I bet this will bring you closer together! He may be hurting right now, but as he processes all of this, I bet he will be more healed than before the visit.

[Jensboys]

For me, right now (and I am going to blog about this) is AT THE MOMENT, I have so little sympathy for first mom at all. I have worked my tail off for 9 years to foster a sense of respect in the boys for her. And yet, when we met, it was all about HER. I have put her needs ahead of mine, ahead of the kids desire to hate her etc etc etc and yet, when push came to shove, what I saw on this trip was her inability to put herself in the place of her child and show some maturity.

I KNOW at the moment this is my own frustration from the visit, and I will come around and process, but the fact that she let her own pain hurt our son again gives me some pause.

Little things, like of all the hundreds of pictures I have sent, and the many albums - only one has been kept. From 2003.

And yes, I do understand how painful this was for her, but also, in many ways I got to see IN PERSON that areas that are lacking, and I am trying to not be happy my kids got OUT OF THERE. Of their siblings, THEY are the lucky ones. THEY have the chances.

And of course, at the same time I am so sad. You see the glipses of what "could have been". An aunt with 5 boys -- could she have parented two more? At the time she didnt want to. What does she think NOW?

These sorts of things are NOT easy. They are hard adn complicated and awful and amazing.

I need some time, some distance to process again. Get some perspective. Heal a bit, cope with my boys and their own issues.

G, at the moment anyways, seems FINE. THRILLED to be at home. At peace and content. I dont know if it will come out later or not.