[arkansas parent]

What do you do if you want more kids but feel your youngest should stay the youngest?
T sometimes can be a little rough during play. He will act out (nothing to bad) if he feels he is not getting the attention he wants. He loves his 2yo cousin but gets jelous(sp?) if I spend to much time with her. When someone asks the "baby" if she can jump,say a certain word, dance etc. T will jump up and do what ever we asked E to do. It is cute the way a 2yr old says zebra. Not so cute when a 5yr old does it .He has NEVER hurt a child younger than him.But I'm a little worried he may on accident, because he is very careless at times.
For these reasons we are thinking of maybe adopting a child a year of two older than T. Maybe a girl so she wont be in the same room as him.

[jbee]

we didn't adopt older ones but have fosters that are much older..our oldest dd is 5 and we have two 17yo boys. there is so much difference my bios don't even care they're around.

[chickymum]

I would never recommend adopting out of birth order but having said that our adopted daughter is a year older than our bio son. It works fine because our son has a very strong personality and the kids have been together since they were 3 and 2 ys old.
Try to remember your 5 yo will need to learn to grow up sometime. It is cute that he is the baby but he cannot be forever. He also needs to learn to be physically appropriate with smaller children. These are just regular things that all kids need to learn. Any child that becomes an older sibling has to give up the role of baby and learn to be big brother or sister.

[Joy2566]

With our first adoption, we had really intended to keep our youngest as the youngest. We felt that it was in his best interest to remain the youngest. He was four and I also really didn't think we would be offered a younger child. Well, we ended up with a 2yo. It was hard, hard, hard. He had a time adjusting, but also loved his new brother so much. In the long run, I don't think it was any harder than if we had had another biological child. Now adding his "twin", that is still hard. They are 11, and in the same class at school and so there is a lot of competition going on. Although, they also have a good relationship and have a lot of fun together, so that may not be worse than twins who grew up together.

[mrsred]

Is T adopted or bio? If adopted, how long has he been with you? It makes a difference.
Some children really do need to always be the youngest. We "got" E when J was 8 1/2 and E was 5. When we added our next child she was just 5 months younger than J and 3 years older than E. That actually worked out very well. It left J, our only biological child as the oldest, and E, with his special needs as the youngest.
Our foster daughter is almost 4 years younger than E, and having a child younger than him really does not work (which is one of the reasons why we will not be adopting her). When we first started looking for another girl to adopt we had wanted one somewhere in between T and E's ages. I wish we would have held out for that as I believe it would have saved our family a lot of grief.
So, while there is a general rule about adding childen in birth order, there are exceptions to every rule. The only thing I would be really, really careful about is that the next child cannot pose any sort of threat to your T.
May not be easy to find, but if it is meant to be you will find him/her. Follow your instincts, don't let anyone convince you that you are wrong.

[arkansas parent]

T is adopted. He has been with us for 18 months. He has some minor "special needs".He was diagnosed with Disruptive Behavior Disorder when he was 2 1/2 yrs. He craves attention (good or bad). He can be very emotional and can go from happy to anger pretty quick. His anger comes in the form of arguing, backtalking and angry faces. (so nothing major).
I think he would probably do fine with a younger sibling, but I think he would do better with an little older one.
We are going to be EXTRA careful if we do adopt a child older than him. The reason I turned down our last possible match (8yr old boy)was because I couldn't speak with the foster parents he had lived with for 2yrs before being sent to his current home. I just got the feeling someone wasn't telling the whole truth.

[mrsred]

It does sound like he should be the youngest.

[chickymum]

Oh that makes a difference. If he already has behavioural issues then that could be very difficult for a younger child. I see where you are coming from now.
Just remember though that it is not common to find an older child that has less issues than a child that has been in a forever home from a young age. But you are very good at taking your time, being ojective and looking at exactly what is the right situation. I hope you will find the right child soon.

[mrsred]

Sometimes it is a matter of what each child's issues are too. We had E for over a year, adoption finalized before we adopted T. T is 3 yrd, 3 months older than him. It also helped though that T was not the oldest. I think that "oldest" position is really something you don't mess with. J is still the oldest and the one the other two go to for help (even tho he is barely older than T).

[arkansas parent]

Well I was wrong again. T is a great big brother. He is very gentle with the new baby. He really is a good big brother. He is not acting out as much to get attention. (maybe the fish oil is working).I think the over 5yr age differance helps.

[waited2long]

Super! I'm glad the baby seems to have helped T grow more mature. Sounds like being a big brother fits him well!