[shy_bear]

We have 3 kids. My oldest is pretty low maintance. Our middle child has ADHD; I feel she is managed well with meds and yes she has her moments but overall she is a good kid. My youngest has a lot going on; he was drug/alcohol exposed and we are at this time uncertain of his future. He is seen by a speech therapist, a physical therapist is going to be seeing him again, and he usually has mulitiple doc appts. We are in the process of trying to determine if we want to do foster/adopt again or do another domestic infant adoption. Our family keeps telling us we need to take care of the 2 special needs kids we have and not worry about having another one. I feel my kids are WELL taken care of!! Yes sometimes it is pure chaos here, but I enjoy that; it is a good kind of chaos! How do I make them understand this is our choice and no matter how many kids we have they will all be loved and their needs will be met? Has anyone else had problems with their family?

[lucyjoy]

My family told me that several times. I just adopted anyway.

[chickymum]

Right now I am waiting to hear if the agency is going to tell me the same thing. I have been planning to do this for years and because of a dissruption that we had years ago and an fas/rad that also can cause some 'moments' then I am scared they are going to say no. Your family can't say no to you. It is your decision. Hopefully your agency will be great though. Woooo hooo.
If you didn't think you could do it then you would not be wanting to.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

I agree that you should follow your heart and ignore your family's criticism. There are plenty of large families where ALL of the kids have special needs, so it's not like you're going into uncharted territory. I have family members who don't understand my desire to adopt a 12-y.o. instead of a baby, but I don't plan on letting that influence my decision. I even chose my new 2-bdrm apt. based on what I thought would be good for a preteen!

[missw005]

Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl - I have SO been in your shoes!
I'll tell you what I told them:
1. If one of my sibs was pregnant, you would NEVER say that to them. It's the same dang thing.
2. When you are living my life and raising my kids for me, you can have more say in what I do.
3. Every woman/couple KNOWS when their family is complete. I KNOW my family is not complete.
4. This is what I'm doing, and if you can't be supportive, that is your choice. But if you can't accept all of us (since you already have kids), you can't be in our lives. That's a choice you have to make.
5. Sorry, was I asking your opinion? Because if we're sharing opinions here, let me tell you a few things about your life and priorities.

Ok.................those last few are a bit snarky, but...............frankly I AM a bit snarky.

Seriously, though, if you've read any of my posts for the last year, this has been a HUGE issue for me. In the end, I chose MY life and MY children and reiterated that my choices are just that - MY choices. They couldn't live with that, and currently are not involved with our life. I don't know if they'll come around eventually or not, but I realize that that is THEIR issue, not mine.
(thank you, SNPTF therapy group!)

Just my .02!

Sandy

[kburch]

When we first went into the adoption world about 4.5 years ago (i.e. told our families we were planning to adopt), my family was adamant that we should NOT adopt -- we "weren't ready" and wouldn't be able to handle it.

Now, 3.5 years after placement of our boys (9 and 10 at placement, 12 and 14 now), I just had my mom tell me that adopting more older kids in the future would be O.K., but I should NOT even THINK about getting pregnant and having a baby. I mean, I wasn't planning to try any time in the near future (if ever) anyway, but huh?

So, don't feel bad. Families are nuts, even when they have good intentions. Just do what you know you need to do, and let them worry about themselves.

[Tudu]

We hear it all the time from every body except my sister. She is the one that would get them if we died so she is all I worry about. People always have an opinion about what others should do, ignore them if that is what you really want.

[waited2long]

Do what you feel is right for your family, meaning you, your spouse, your current children and your future children. And whatever you do, do NOT use any of those opinionated relatives as references!!! Believe me, I know how that can turn out!!

[Lorraine123]

I too have been there. My parents said that I should be happy with the two I have and not rock the boat. My mom went so far as to say that she would never love my adopted child. But, I did it anyway. Not their decision.

[Kelly Rae]

I was 38 yrs and had two bio's before we adopted our first son. My family said I would ruin my kids, I was to old, and those drug babies who knows how they will turn out. I heard the same things the 2nd adoption. Funny thing after that they stopped their negativity and started to say I was called to do this. Here I am 47 yrs old and just about licensed in our new state of Montana, and strangely enough everyone is for it. Go figure. Its nice to have family behind you, but when they weren't I didn't let that stop me.

[aspenhall]

I would reply with a snarky comment about their pregnacies...in the line of..."yeah, after XYZ was born, I could see I was right to think you shoulda stopped at ABC"

[trixila]

Only you know your limits. In my case, we were raising a 5 yr old with adhd and sensory issues. He needed lots of therapy (speech, OT, PT, etc) and still is high maintainance. When we were offered a newborn with prenatal drug exposure, it was scary. When I called my mom for advice on this placement (we were 1000 miles from home and the drug exposure was a huge surprise) she gave me really good advice: You can handle this. And you know what, she was right! I already knew the drill. Doctors? Therapy? Insurance battles? Doing all I can do to ensure this innocent child has a good life? Check! My daughter's life is already so much more optimal b/c she has a sibling that can understand her in a way that I certainly cannot. If there is a child out there that needs to be a member of your family, they will find their way to you.

[Barksum]

When we were adopting, we really felt that our family was not complete. I don't know why we felt that we wanted another child, we just did. We kept pursuing our third adoption, even in the face of some very hesitant friends and family. You all know the reasons everyone has for not having another child, particularly an adopted child. (My biggest pet peeve! Adoption is really not all that different than the biological process whereby children arrive in the family. At least emotionally, etc.) Anyway, we just went ahead and did what we were sure in our hearts we should do.

After our fourth adoption we both felt we were done. This is what we could (usually and mostly) handle and the desire to have more children just was no longer there. I can't really tell you the why for that, either, since not all that much changed between adoption #3 and adoption #4, but we really knew we were done after #4.

The bottom line is that you will know what to do. It isn't as if you are running irresponsibly through the tulips, not paying attention to the ground you walk on. You are informed and know what you are doing...as much as anyone can really know what they are doing! LOL

[Lylac]

With us, we have had "almost" 100% support from our families. I have 1 BIL that will toss out a smart remark every now and then. And the thing is he has 2 adopted kids of his own (his wifes 2 teen daughters). And since HE has had tons of problems, he assumes that all adopted kids are problems.

Then we get "I just don't see how ya'll do it" from other family members. Thats only because they can't or wouldn't even try themselves...and these are the ones that have awful relationships with their own kids.

I always said that I wanted 4 kids..2 boys and 2 girls..and thats exactly what we have..and all 4 severely special needs Everyone here is betting that we'll get more, but NO our family will be complete..unless one or 3 drops from the heavens.

Only you know when your family is complete. Only you know what you can handle. I say go with your heart and be happy.